AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

Good grief that attitude is very outdated. Surely most people take it in turns to pay. When we go on holiday or something like that, we use Splitwise for expenses/tickets etc but when there take it turns to pay for things, but we both keep a sort of mental rough tab to make sure someone doesn't have lots of cheap days where you have a croissant from the bakery for breakfast, don't eat lunch, spend the day doing free activities and then the next person's day involves 3 meals out, ice creams and entrance tickets to tourist attractions, else that would be very unfair.

I don't think anyone is being 'spoiled'. You are both enjoying the activity and making sure costs are split evenly. I don't see why anyone should freeload of the other, regardless of gender

Also, these days women very often earn more than their partners. That's certainly the case in my immediate circle.

I went out my DH the other day and the bill came to £80ish. I put my card down, but when the waitress came over she looked at DH expectantly so he picked up my card and tapped it on the reader 😆

But before we were in the one-pot lifestyle, we'd just take it in turns to pay, or if one of us felt more flush than the other we'd treat each other.

Even decades ago I would go expecting to pay for myself, though the guys would insist on paying! This was even meeting up for drinks, they would stand up and go to the bar so next round I would say no it's my turn.

When going out with friends I've observed it's often the husbands who go to the bar or pay for the meal. DH and I take it in turns.

Neither does going 50/50 as this thread proves

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5564724-my-husband-wants-me-to-pay-more-towards-the-bills?page=4

We're married and we still take it in turns. I don't expect him to pay because a) I'm an adult b) it's 2026 and c) we both work. I have a very low opinion of women who expect the man to pay.

When i have been in a relationship, apart from first dare, when the man paid we then paid alternately. I think thst is fair. Why should one person always pay?

Yes and its funny other people are accused of being tight when it is there money expected to be paid

I am a grown woman i dont need to be taken care of like I am a princess

One of the many reasons I am atill with my husbamd for over 30 years is he treats me like an equal always has and I respect him for that

DH paid for the drinks on our first date and I paid for the bowling, he booked and paid for a ghost walk for the following weekend the day after our first date but we split the drinks. I remember people on the ghost walk asking us how long we had been dating and the shocked looks we got when we told them it was only our second date. We continued splitting every thing during the first six months of dating. After six months we had a week away together and then we met the parents (for different reasons we were both still living with our parents at the time). We talked about marriage and building a real life together six months after we met and continued to split everything. We also started flat hunting together. Even now we both pay an equal share of the bills based on our own income. We have been together around 10 and a half years, living together just over 9 years and married 7 years

Lol not all of us on dates are planning to have kids with the guys.I knew my current partner as a friend before we started dating. There was never any chance of us having kids, not least as I was in my. 40s and he'd had the snip 20 odd years previously.

Although he did pay for the first meal date.

But if we go out for drinks for example we buy rounds etc

Couldn’t disagree more. A man who is comfortable taking turns and behaving as equals with me is more likely to behave as equals throughout a relationship than someone who thinks they can buy their way out of any relationship issue, or treats me in a patriarchal “I will take my woman out” way. Sure treat me on my birthday, little occasions etc, but I don’t want someone who will feel emasculated if I do the same back, or if I’m the one to pay the bill in the restaurant.

If you want a partner who is going to pay for everything in the future and will “take care of you”, maybe suggest you give up your job to look after your children / his parents / him then sure, find the “gentlemanly” man who pays for everything. I went for the one who was totally comfortable doing 50 50 and we’ve been a brilliant team, he takes on probably more mental load than I do and we both work slightly part time to have more time with the kids. My well paid job supported me through my maternity leave.

Think you’re mistaking being equals with “being tight”.

Same here :-)

Wow - very surprised to read that a guy would be keeping such tight track of who pays and thinking of women as 'freeloaders'. I sure hope you do 50% of every last bit of labour at home, with that mindset!

I'd think it's simply gentlemanly to pay. The woman is usually the one who ends up taking a career break to have a baby, so if a man is this tight to begin with, I wouldn't really trust him with my future. Sorry - I'm sure you're a nice guy and all that....

Why on earth should a man pay more? Are women not capable mature independent adults?

Where did I say I wouldn't pay for dates?

The gender pay gap is a ridiculous reason not to pay for dates if you're not one of the women being paid less. It depends what industry you're in, what role you have and what your company's culture is. If you personally feel you're being screwed over by the gender pay gap and you're dating a man who earns more, by all means argue he should pay. If you're a woman earning more than the man sat across the restaurant table... why on earth would the gender pay gap be relevant?

In my social circle women are perfectly capable of being higher earners than their male partners. Of course we have a very long way to go but it seems completely outdated to use that as an across-the-board dating rule.

I also disagree that anyone's behaviour on a first date has anything to do with their behaviour when they become a parent (and not all women are even looking to have children).

When dating we used to take it in turns to pay, we weren’t particularly strict at alternating though.

DP clearly isn’t bothered by how things look as nowadays I’m the one that physically makes the payment (using the joint account saved on my Apple Watch wallet!)

My DP always pays, but he works and I don't. I do make meals for him at my home though, so it kind of balances out.

Long term partner, separate finances. He earns more and treats me probably 4 out of 5 times. We're very equal in every other way but this is just part of our romance and it makes me feel special.

Can't stand the "I want equality but only of he's paying brigade".

So entitled.

Responding to a deleted quote: Do you have something against a man effort on a first date which lets be honest the easiest way is to plan a date whether its going for a drink or something free and then paying? You are also purposely ignoring where I said I would pay after the first date and that a first date can be free its about effort. If a man asks me out on a first date and they've chosen somewhere doing 2-4-1 i guarantee you they've done it on purpose because they expect you to pay. Even if they ask you to split , it doesn't automatically disregard an amazing date. The man paying is just a factor to testing compatibility. If I went on a great date where I had no doubts I liked him and he asked me to split it , I would and it wouldn't stop me from seeing him again whereas a date where I wasn't sure and then was asked to split would not get a second one. The man paying is a factor not the deciding concept.

Why would you feel awkward paying? Treating someone is a pleasure.id hope it was a bit of both.

In my. most recent relationship, we split the bill 50:50 or took it in turns. If life got complicated … eg someone’s card didn’t work on holiday… we tracked costs on the Splid app. As far as I could tell, we had similar le els disposable income.

I’d still expect the man to pay on the first date, unless it was clear to me that there wasn’t going to be a second. I’d insist on paying my share then.

I don't think a man should always pay but if he doesn't offer to pay for the first date I think that is a bad sign in my opinion. Yes we are aiming for equality, but the reality is different. The world of earning money still favours men and pays them more to do the sane job as a woman.

I think it's a very good test to see how a man may behave when you give birth to his children if he is insistent that everything be evenly split whilst dating. You want someone who has some generosity of spirit if you're going to have their baby.

First date is the man and if they don’t, I’d lose interest. Then you take it turns thereafter. Old fashioned maybe but I don’t care.