AIBU to ask who pays the bill when dating or in a relationship?

This is exactly what I was getting at. With my post. You really do want a partner who will accept that sometimes finances won't be evenly split. Over the life time of my relationship of 17 years there were times he paid my rent, times I paid his. We had a joint account as soon as we were married which both our incomes are paid into. You have to function as a team!

If someone would quibble over a bill for a date they had invited me on when we still didn't know each other very well what would they be like once they'd let their standards drop? I would most likely offer to go halves and probably pay the next date if we didn't split it. But I would be seriously put off if they hadn't offered to pay on the first date.

When I became pregnant I had only just started a new job so got no maternity pay and only qualified for maternity allowance. Imagine if my husband had been one of these Men who wanted everything equally split in terms of bills whilst I was in that situation? I've read about that sort of set up many times on here!

We do Thats one of the reasons why the birth rate has fallen because men still havent stepped up to do their full share of childcare and housework. Many more of them have said the same thing you have though. "i thought you women wanted equality" and accept "equality" when it comes to their credit card! Im so glad more younger women are waking up to the fact that parenthood is a shit deal for women and acting accordingly. Myself and the friend i met for coffee yesterday arent the outliers any more

When dating we either took turns or split the bill, unless it was for something specific ie part of a birthday present. When more serious, we created a ‘fun stuff’ pot that we put a small amount of cash in each month so that shared meals and holiday dinners/costs came out of this.

I think having the balance is important. When I dated someone with an income much lower than mine I paid for more stuff, otherwise we couldn’t do it together. That’s fair.

Why would a man feel embarrassed by this? You really should reflect on where that thought comes from and what you are saying about being a woman

50 50 or take it in turns for me. I am an equal partner, and don’t wish to be paid for like some little incapable woman.

Why? That's a pretty old fashioned way of thinking. Women are capable of earning more than men, many do. I thought most women wanted equality these days?

Ditto here, we've been together 39 years. We've always treated each other as "equals", right from our first "date". I've never been interested in any kind of power imbalance and was never the kind of girl who wanted an "alpha male" to look after me - I can look after myself and don't "need" a man. It's "nice" to have a man/partner/husband, but I've never "needed" one.

Why?

I also rolled my eyes at the high quality date thing. Like, what does that even mean. It sounds exactly like when men talk about how alpha they are.

First date, if the guy offered to pay then if I liked him I would accept but say that I would pay for the next date. If I wasn't into him I would insist on splitting the bill.

Once dating we tended to alternate most of the time .

I always wanted to be in a relationship of equals though.

No he's not. That is a legacy from the distant past when men were breadwinners and women were possessions

I would expect roughly 50/50. But probably with some skewing towards a higher earlier in a long term relationship. Not at first though, 50/50 first.

Agree, 50/50 usually.

Why?

Dating I think it should be 50/50

In a relationship we tend to pay for different things, but it evens out. He will more often pay for food, while I will book and pay for tickets to events etc.

When dating, split 50/50
I simply wouldn't (continue to) date anyone who expected me to pay just because we have different equipment downstairs 🤷

Dating, should be the man the majority of the time. Long term, probably a bit of both, depending on incomes, but more often the man

I agree but there are some men who will only take the bits of feminism that benefit them financially and unfortunately for that OP she is married to one of them.

Ah I see - I’m on the mumsnet app and the link doesn’t take me to page 4 of that thread, it just links the whole thread (no “pages” on the app).

Yes it’s a good point - 5050 from the start doesn’t mean he’s definitely a good one. But I just really personally dislike any whiff of a man wanting to do all the paying and the “looking after his princess” type thing - it’s an enormous turn off for me and really feels like he’d not see me as an equal partner and more of a thing to look after. And sure there could be men who that’s not the case for - but I don’t like that “old fashioned” assumption at all, I find it very disempowering.

So yeah, I am saying a man always insisting on paying while dating would be a red flag for me, but I agree that him being comfortable with 5050 isn’t a guaranteed sign of a perfect person either.

We met at uni and as soon as we graduated and moved in together we opened a joint account and paid 50:50 in to it. We used this when going out.

Prior to that we would both get cash out before we went out and paid cash 50:50. Or if we put it on one person's card the other would buy something later. We have been together 20 years and back then places were less willing or split the bill for card payments. We felt it was a bit ridiculous and trying to keep up with £10 here and £20 here and a joint account made much more sense. We have our own personal accounts too but over the years more and more spending has shifted to the joint account. Pre contactless payments going to £100 it was usually me that paid the bill as I'm better at remembering my pin. Quite often they automatically pass the card reader to my partner though

I think if I was starting out again I would split each bill 50:50 if we were in similar financial positions at the table.

The reason i linked that thread on page 4 and NOT from the start is because i asked the OP ON PAGE FOUR whether it had been 50/50 right from the start and right from dating and she replied also on page four that yes it had.

Is MN basically saying that a man always paying on dates is a red flag but a man always insisting on 50/50 isnt. Because gold diggers really seem to have lowered their standards since the 80s Now all thats required to get this label is to recieve a free carbonara

We took turns while dating and the person paying chose the restaurant (or cooked). Worked for us as DP is a bit of a foodie and had a good job, whereas I was struggling on minimum wage. So we both got to be the host, plan for and spoil the other but within our own budgets.

Pay half each, take it in turns to pay or pay for what you each have yourselves.

Its hardly onerous to keep track of whether or not someone's bought a round or not, or whether they've offered to go halves on dinner the first time you go. It's not just women who don't pay that I think of as freeloaders, I'm bisexual and I balked at men who didn't pay equally while dating just as much.

I'm not tight, I'm fairly generous with family and other people I love, I was just never particularly interested in being taken advantage of by someone I barely know.

Once actually in a relationship, I'm not keeping score any more. Everyone I've been with for more than a couple of months has been more of less even, up until DP, who's the only woman I've lived with. DD was born before we moved in together, so I've always been the higher earner. As I said in the last message, I cover most things, bills, holidays, pensions, shopping. Mostly DP's wage goes towards her own fun money.

And to answer your question with regards to 50% labour. No, I've mostly not done as much as her, but I'm in work 5 days a week compared to DP's 2 - 3 days, and I pull my weight when I'm home.

That thread isn’t about 5050 on dates - it’s about family finances where one is part time because of children and earning a lot less, but the DH wanting both that and 50 50 money. We’re not saying “all money contributions all the way through life have to always be exactly the same” - when you have a shared family and family finances it’s different. I earn a lot more so contribute a lot more, for instance.

This is about dating, attitudes and not expecting to be permanently “treated”.