If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

If it cheers you up my dc are both teenagers and push me to do more exploring, going to places and trying activities I would probably not do otherwise.

Not on my own though, if that’s what you mean!

I do relate to what pp say about the worry. I think you just aim to give them the best experience you can and have to accept that the rest is outside your control.

I think there will be a lot who say they don’t regret it if it’s a stark ‘regret / don’t regret’ but still find it very hard and not totally enjoyable.

I totally love my kids but I definitely have moments when I miss my old life or where the reality of having kids falls very short of what I had hoped for.

Sorry I missed a word, I meant tiny minority! The PP was saying 1 in 20, I meant not as vanishingly small as that

I really feel for you. If you are academically fairly bright and show no “obvious” symptoms, all it takes is something overwhelming to realise you are neurodivergent. It happened to me too when I tried teaching.

Yes

I am a 28 year old fence sitter, so not exactly the main audience of the thread, but still. On the one hand, I would find raising a child very rewarding. Seeing them discover things, making friends etc.

On the other, me and my partner both have ASD/ADHD. I have historically worked in a school as a TA and know how exhausting it was supporting the higher needs SEN children. Not their fault of course, but I struggled to look after them in the time slots I had them in. I would really struggle to have kids like that. As both me and my partner are neurodivergent, there is a higher chance that could happen to us. This and the likely outcomes of climate change are making me lean towards no.

Bloody hell, you are living the dream! I have literally had escape fantasies about having a life like this .

Not being funny, but 14% is very clearly a minority.

Do you think minority means a tiny, inconsequential number? It doesn’t. It just means less than most.

49% is technically a minority.

14% is very clearly a minority.

For it not to be a minority it would have to be 51% who regret having children ( if you are dealing in whole numbers).

No.

I would think very carefully about adoption. Almost every single person I know who has adopted has children with attachment issues that have resulted in lifelong emotional-behavioral challenges. I know I am not cut out for that. I love my biological son to bits but it has been very difficult dealing with issues that arose from his ND. Fortunately, he's on medication now that has totally transformed his ability to manage life with severe ADHD and I am so relieved. It was really affecting my mental health at one point and the thought of living with that anxiety long term doesn't bear thinking about. I know lots of childless older women and they have such good quality lives. I don't say this flippantly because I know it is not the same at all but a pouring your love into a dog or cat might help you whilst these biological urges are still strong. They will pass eventually.

@Chefpig if you do decide you want to adopt, I wonder how feasible foster to adopt would be. I’d maybe post on the adoption boards and find out further information there.

We had fertility problems (on both sides) that we didn’t find out about until a year after we got married at 32. Our son was finally born when I was 34 and our daughter at 37 after a string of miscarriages. It might not have gone that way had we been able to start trying earlier.

But then, I guess I wouldn’t have the same kids and the two I have are brilliant (most of the time) 🥰

I feel this in my soul. I would miss THEM and after knowledge of them existing I feel I would spend hundred lives trying to find them. But the reality of raising children with additional needs has absolutely desolated my life. I just survive. Someone mentioned the golden years of primary school. I've never known any golden years. Just hell and more hell to come with secondary school. I don't ever switch off. My eldest is 11 and still gets up in the night. My middle one I have no idea what their life will look like if they will live with me and need support. Then what happens when I die.

Yes. I would want to have had my child with a different man... but I wouldn't change my child in anyway, so suppose I wouldn't change even that (very begrudgingly)! I say this as a lone parent. Absolutely love motherhood.

Your experience of having kids entirely depends on your circumstances.

I’m lucky that I have a supportive husband, four active and relatively local grandparents, a brother with kids of his own who lives round the corner, and sufficiently comfortable financially to afford luxuries like a cleaner and the occasional trip to the laundrette for a service wash when the laundry starts to pile up. I also have a healthy child with no additional needs and who is generally easy to manage.

I used to feel this way and really regretted having a child because of it. Tne constant worry and I couldn’t understand how parents could enjoy a night out or even if my son went out with his friends I’d be so concerned that something would happen to him.
I used to have such bad anxiety. I considered myself an anxious person etc

but then he got older and my anxiety just like… went away? He looks after himself. I trust he makes the best choices for himself. I don’t worry about him all of the time. Now I live for myself and it’s so enjoyable!

so you will stop feeling this way. From someone who 100% relates to your post.

I miss exploring. I miss finding new places and going to them and wandering. I don’t know if I’ll really get to do it again tbh.

I 100% would have my children again, they're the best thing ever.
I would never ever choose to do it on my own.

I've read one book for pleasure in 11 years. I just don't have the capacity anymore I'm that exhausted. Im aware it's different for everyone but that's the thing you never know what your life will look like 😬 god I miss reading

Absolutely and probably more than the 3 we had. But we have been together 35 years so a very fonancially and emotionally stable environment for bringing up children, we both had careers that didn't involve commutes or high pressure and flexibility yo be involved day to day, but which also earned enough to live surrounded by animals in a house large enough for everyone to have their own space and in a community of great schools. So I can see how you could think completely differently if you weren't in our position and you had less space and resources. Even with all our luck in life we have had some significant challenges as a family, but would definitely do it all again.

Yes, but I would have either had him 5 years earlier or 5 years later. I’m about to finish a part time PhD while working full time and had DS right in the middle, which was the worst of everything. I’m so excited now to spend quality time with DS6.

We also considered adoption but wanted a bio child first. How bio child has ASD and is hard work. Also I don’t think would cope with us adopting. I am wondering if I want any more bio children, but reluctant for the same reasons. Having kids is hard work but also lovely.

No, I love mine to bits but I hate the vulnerability it brings, if anything happened to her I feel like I would simply die. I find her sadness unbearable, if someone upsets her I can’t sleep. The emotional toll of loving someone to this extent is brutal. I don’t think I will ever truly be at peace ever again.

To echo other posters as well my time is just not my own anymore. i used to be able to complete a good chunky book on a day off, now it takes weeks and half the time I’m so tired I can barely concentrate.

Aw, thank you - that is the kind of positive message we need to hear. My DC has so much potential and when younger was a joy (prickly, hyper-intelligent, oversensitive… but nonetheless also funny, loyal, caring and engaged in life) so it is really hard to see how they’ve spiralled.

I cannot express how much we adore both our children and would not hesitate in laying down our lives for them - but I think potential parents need to understand that it is often not easy and that when you have children they are their own unique human beings and not emotional and social props that comply with all those rich and colourful fantasies you have!

My admiration for single parents rocketed as we progressed on this journey - as did my formerly absent empathy for my own single-mum. If she were alive today I’d love to take her for a drink and tell her how sorry I am for the teenager I was and my lack of understanding how hard her life much have been with 3 of us!

I would say it’s not a minority. Latest studies have shown up to 14% regret having children. And it’s the trickiest thing, because you won’t actually know the reality of children until you have them.

I have two, and I’m still in the early stages of parenting, so not very experienced. It’s completely changed my life, but luckily I love it. I was in my mid late 30s when I had mine, and think it helped that I’d gotten to where I wanted to be career wise, and had done plenty of travelling and living etc before. Decent financial position, and an equal partner. Still it’s been very full on and with very little down time. I wouldn’t want to be doing it on my own. I don’t have a support network, but it’s been alright. We’ve travelled lots with the children all over the world- there are still adventures but they’re different

This is so true about the constant headspace it takes up! So even if you do get some time "off", your head doesn't actually switch off.
I'm also always weighing up if I'm balancing life right, between work and them and myself and I get frustrated that I can't even do the basic things for myself anymore whether that is getting a full night's sleep, a shower (in peace) or cook a decent meal. I have a baby though (alongside a primary school child) so I am probably in the depths of it right now.
Sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like if I took another path.