If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

If I knew what I know now then no chance whatsoever. I’m emotionally exhausted every minute of every day and my husbands mental health is destroyed, I can see how much he struggles if he misses even one day of medication. 3 children one (at least, not sure about other 2 atm) with SEN and just feel we fail in every respect, everything is a struggle even getting them to eat not with hands, pick up anything they’ve just put on the floor, lift the toilet seat for a wee, brush teeth, stay in their beds, walk not crawl round the house, every single interaction is a battle. But the biological urge to have them was so strong I know I would never have stopped until I got one. It breaks my heart when I think of the life I thought I’d be getting vs the one I actually have

I would still definitely want them, but I do feel that I've brought them into a miserable world. I suppose every generation has thought the same and with social media it all feels a bit more bleak, but I can't help feeling like I've set the most important people in my life up to fail.

yes and I honestly don't believe all the people saying no

you're more likely to regret not having them than habit them IMO but I also think you'd know if you wanted children

This is a lovely post. Well done to you 👏 and Im so glad you enjoyed your motherhood journey despite it not been how you ever imagined it.

This post sums up life really! ❣️

It’s the one thing I would do again in a heartbeat. Probably for selfish reasons , it’s absolutely fascinating watching them try to work out the world and they have brought me so much more joy than anything else

No

I love all my children and while I wouldn’t change them, it’s a huge regret that my first children weren’t with my second husband. My ex-husband is a despicable person and targeted me. Huge history of violence/abuse etc, then parental alienation and legal abuse to punish me for divorcing him. It’s a sad thing i must accept happened in my life. It matters who you have them with and knowing you’ll always be connected to them can be vile.

He has additional needs and is vulnerable.

Maybe not a fair comparison to those who don't and are not, but the phrase you're only as happy as your unhappiest child (whether over 18 or not) rings true for me.

Why are you worrying about your adult son?

If I had my time over again, with the knowledge I have now, I would definitely do things differently. I wouldn't have failed my A levels first time, for a start, so I wouldn't have met my first husband. I would have been much more prepared about contraception so I wouldn't have got pregnant at 18.

I would have got my degree at 21 instead of 36, so by the time I was ready to have children (if ever) I would have been in a much better financial position. And I would have realised I was autistic earlier so that would have made things much easier.

Having said all that - I adore my children and I would never have met my current, very much loved, husband, if my life had been different.

I think you must investigate very carefully what you are suggesting. In addition to being a single parent, which must be so so incredibly hard, you are likely taking on a child with extreme trauma and it will affect them for the rest of their lives in ways you can't even begin to imagine at this point.

Even a baby will have had dreadful experiences in utero (drugs etc) to have been removed at a young age.

I have found parenting the most terrifying thing I have ever done and the responsibility weighs heavily on me even now my son is an adult. I am never not worried about something to do with him and I have had to accept this will be the case for the rest of my life. I guess it depends how you handle that kind of thing. Along with severe sleep deprivation and relentless need.

Generally the studies have shown better attainment and healthier children with older parents. However that’s statistically, and I think there are benefits to both, and it comes down to personal preference. And you’re completely right, some young parents are very financially stable. And some young parents are more mature.

I know for me, living in house shares in London, dating inappropriate men, partying too much etc I’d have been an awful parent in my 20s despite a professional well paid job. But I see people who are great parents in their 20s, including some of my family, and living in houses they’ve bought etc in their 20s.

Wow that is quite eye opening

I haven't read the full thread but no I wouldn't.

I had kids coz thats what women did. I didn't question it.
It is so stressful. I do love them and they are good bants now but its not been easy. You are only as happy as your unhappiest child and one of mine has been very unhappy at times.

I think our culture is slowly recognising that its ok not to have kids, it doesnt mean you are a lesbian or frigid. Life is actually pretty amazing and fulfiling without kids.

I would defo not have kids nowadays as the world is fucked. They could just about hold their own now if an apocalypse happened but that no world to bring a child into...

I’d have them all again 100%.
I had my third son the week after I turned 44. I had all my partying & fun in my 20s and 30s prior to becoming a mother.
sure it’s hard and total chaos but it’s my life now 🤣

I don't know. Not because I'd want a different life, but just because the world is such a shit show atm. But then the urge to have a baby is hard to ignore.

It’s basically the best thing you can do and also the worst. So hard to explain!

Yes the earlier message is incorrect. Studies repeatedly show that parents are less happy than non- paretns….www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/think-having-children-will-make-you-happy

Yes , though I wish i hadn’t got married to their father . I absolutely loved having my children when they were babies and every stage afterwards . They are adults now and I’m still very close to them .
I would have loved to have had children with my current husband but we met very late on so it wasn’t possible but i have a wonderful step daughter who considers me to be her mum as she lost her own at a very young age , I’ve had her since she was 7 , she’s 23 now and feel very much like she’s my own child .
I have also been very involved in my granddaughter’s life and have had a lot of time with her since she was a baby .

Well my now adults have a perfectly good life thanks. They also had a mother who had far more energy, more likely to do random stuff than being so routine bound etc

Apart from the financial thing ( which isn't necessarily age dependent) on what way do the kids have a " better" life?

Yes, but it’s not all about you, is it? A parent who has their children later is generally more financially comfortable, mature, has done more with their life etc and can give their children a better life than a younger parent.

Absolutely!! I never wanted kids never imagined having them wasn’t maternal and I got accidentally pregnant at 24 and she’s 9 soon! Best thing I ever did. And her brother who’s 5 next month. It’s relentless but it’s not hard forever and it’s so worth it. You would literally die for them.

No

The world feels a massively different place than it did 10 years ago when we first started trying. Their life with global warming, AI threats and COL will be so different to what DH and I had when we first met. I don't regret my children and love the bones of them. However had we been looking at having children now I'd seriously be thinking more critically.

Yes- 100% I genuinely love them and their funny little personalities.
picking an amazing dad for them has made motherhood easy and not everyone has that so choose wisely.

I had 2in my early 20s and another at 32. Now 55 and I appreciate the freedom far far more than all the youngsters I see ( especially when traveling) who just take it for granted

If I had to have the kids id have had the 3rd one closer in age then been free earlier ( like in mid 40s)