If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

Yes, but just the one, after earning loads and never ever ever getting married.

No, never would I do it again.

@Chefpig "As a single person with no ties, I enjoy lots of holidays, meals out and doing what I want, when I want"

You can kiss goodbye to all of that with a child.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s helpful for people like me - I was unable to have children for fertility reasons - to know that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

Yes, I'm pregnant with number 3 at present. They are the absolute best thing in life I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Might start earlier so I could have 4!

Absolutely, but we only had the one when I was 36 after being married for 14 years. He was a dream baby so we decided to leave it at that, which is a decision we've never regretted. He's in his 30s now. It did change our lives but in a very positive way.

I was really surprised by how much I didn't/ don't enjoy motherhood. I always wanted to be a mum, organzied all my decision making around this and making sure it happened on time, and assumed it would be hard but incredibly fulfilling and meaningful/ magical. All my friends who had kids before me talked about how wonderful it was. I didn't really hear any other narrative, and certainly never heard anyone talking about how they regretted it/ wouldn't have done it if they had had their time over etc. I have three ND kids (very mild, always in mainstream but lots of challenges along the way) and honestly it has really wrecked my mental health being a mum and my ability to enjoy life/ find fulfillment and meaning. I love them dearly, but joyful and fulfilling? Nope. there are some moments of sweetness and pride, but they are pretty few and far between and a lot of it is pain and drudgery. I never really talk about this in real life, but I wish someone had given me this perspective before I had them. I know this is not the case for most people, but I wanted to be honest.

I would, though. And I'd do it sooner.

The love does outweigh the hardship etc, for me anyway. I'm definitely not the patriarchy's idea of a "good woman" and all that, not that I care. This isn't about me bigging myself up as some paragon of female martyrdom. I just love them so much, they are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've been very lucky with things like health and my husband, which undoubtedly makes a massive difference. But it's nothing to do with my ego or womanly self image. They're the best things ever and I love them beyond words and I would absolutely do it again. That's all.

When posters say they love their children so so much that it outweighs the hardship and burden of being a mother, it makes me think about something I read recently.

It was a feminist blog. It is along the lines of how the 'patriarcy' have instilled in the minds of women and girls that giving up their very selves, desires, ambitions, potential for personal growth and free time to devote to children for decades is how you mark yourself out as a 'good' woman and mother.

Personally, I love my children as much as the next woman, but it has been so incredibly difficult that I would not do it again. The loss of personal freedom is the worst thing about it for me.

I only had one, and it absolutely broke me for about three years; I had a physically, but not mentally healthy pregnancy, a straightforward but traumatising birth, and two years of horrendous PND. Was it worth it? Yes, my DS is an absolute joy and delight. Would I do it again? For him, yes, however I wish I’d known then what I know now so I could advocate for myself better. I’m one of those women who has a very difficult relationship with progesterone as it makes me go mental. I stayed one and done.

Yes. But my DC have been healthy and easy and my DH has pulled his weight. I couldn’t have done it alone. They’re now 23 and 21. The best part though, has been seeing them grow and interact and have experiences together. As a pair.

Yes, but I wish it was with someone else.

I also took that to be an accusation of lying.

I would definitely do it again, but not as a single woman in my forties.

Adopting can be wonderful for you and the child, but sadly adopted children often have significant attachment and behavioural issues, understandably. Don’t underestimate how hard this could be.

And I hope nobody suggests pregnancy with donor eggs - it’s highly unethical and awful for the young woman who undergoes egg retrieval.

Overall though, life is tough. There's this weird perception that child free women live carefree lives of riches and that's not necessarily the case.

I think there an assumption the time and money kids take up would end up somewhere noticeable.

I think we'd have eaten out more bought a house later so more expensive and it would have been smaller but more expensive spent bit more of food and clothes and wondered how anyone afforded kids.

I'm not surprised the been one poster insisting people who loved having kids are lying - seen that a lot before. Parental happiness levels are lower when kids are young and most demanding - it depends on country research is done as well a lot done in USA with a very low rate of parental happiness - but I did see reasearch suggesting overall parents are happier than none parents across a entire lifetime - generally they get really happy and stay it when adult kids leave home and are fully independent which is in our socitey is happening later and later - but that will be a trend not every parental situation.

It really does depend on so much out of parents control - levels of resources and luck basically and it's not for everyone.

Well there is an element of luck involved but most people will have some control over this. I'm happy that people are happy with their decisions. We are all different though and I think most people would agree that's what right for them might not be right for others.

It's very much the implication of "I don't know who they're trying to convince". Do you say that about people you believe?

I didn't say they were lying. Where did you get THAT nonsense from?

For me, it's adoring my children that has made parenthood hard. The sleepless nights, the endless school runs, having to go straight home from work when you'd rather go out for drinks with mates, the boring playgrounds - that all passes. But adoring your children brings stress and worry, and that never ends.

If I could be sure of having my daughter again, then yes I would do it. There have been many lows but they are definitely outweighed by the highs, she brings me a lot of joy and I love seeing her grow.

Saying that, while I love being her mum I don't always love being a parent. I don't think I prepared myself for how relentless the early years can be, and while she is worth it, some days I find it really hard. I miss being able to get up when I want in the morning, and the freedom to do what I want, when I want to do it. Holidays are not relaxing at the moment, and juggling work alongside childcare is also hard even with a supportive and involved partner. We try to take turns for lie ins and facilitate each other having time away, which does help.

If I had known what I know now about parenting before I had children, then I might have made a different choice. I couldn't wish my little girl away though, it's cheesy but she is the light of my life.

No

How much support would you have?

I don't regret my children, I absolutely adore them but it's been a hard journey so far as both have SEN. They are both doing really well at the minute so we are happy and grateful, however, if you had asked me this 8 years ago I may have had a different answer.

I am in my 40s and my youngest is 10, I have a husband but other than that, no support. I worry about what would happen to the kids if something happened to us.

I hope my children can be fully independent adults but I couldn't bet on it. I worry about the world as it is. It is a huge responsibility.

If I were this age and single, there is no way I would sign up for this.

Sure. That was becoming a Christian.

Definitely. But, I'd do it with a different man. Or, on my own. Best of luck 💐

Thank you so much, that means a lot to me ♥️