If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

I honestly don't know. Two children with SEN. I love them so much but it's really hard and has massively affected mine and my DH's mental health.

If I knew for sure they could be happy and independent adults I'd probably say yes, but I know my DH would say no.

I think that's a bit unfair. I don't think it's smugness, just happiness.
Of course it's not all down to the parents – there are lots of factors at play – but the parents do have a big influence on how a child turns out, and it's really gratifying to see them become amazing people you love spending time with, and who love spending time with you.

If it's an 'in hindsight' post then no, but that would need to include never entertaining my ex husband at any level and not marrying. I have come to the conclusion that I should have just travelled and travelled some more....I would have had a happier life and been far more true to myself. As it is, I succumbed to social pressures and thought I was missing out not having a significant other. So I found one. And then it all went wrong!

Yes if I knew 100% it would be my daughter again, no if it was any other children.

I’ve never wanted to be a parent and it’s not something I feel strongly about.

Over and over and over again. I miss my old life, the freedom, the money - sometimes desperately.

But having children has been the privilege of my life. I have been so lucky.

I have 3 amazing children. I would do it again ina heartbeat. With a different man. I did not pick a good husband.

With adoption, just go into it with your eyes open. I’ve seen a few sad tales. You have to make sure that you’re ready to raise a child who might have deep-rooted issues, and be prepared for them to decide that you are not their family and cut ties completely as an adult. Yes, I have seen this. I was so amazed that I Googled it and apparently it’s a thing. I found many people who said they did not feel at home in their adopted family and that they were too different from them. None of this is to say that you should not adopt, but just be aware of the pitfalls.

Maybe you could be a foster mum?

Yes! The only part of me that wouldn’t is the part that worries about the world they’re living in as it isn’t good enough for them and part of me feels guilt for bringing them into this world.

It’s quite scary how much I love my children. People say there is no love like it and they’re right. Having them has been the best thing we’ve done by far. They have brought us so much happiness and genuine fulfilment that we’ve never found elsewhere.

Honestly though, I wouldn’t have wanted to do it alone.

Yes but I wouldn't if it was as a single parent in my 40s. Having small children has made me realise how much I crave time to myself and with DH I do at least get a bit as well as all the other support needed.

I've raised them to be adults I genuinely enjoy spending time with
I hate this silent smugness that well turned out adults owe it all to their parents. Quietly insinuating that anyone who has an unproductive offspring is responsible due to poor parenting. Just a heads up, not always the case.

Anyho, would I do it again? No. Do I regret it? No. It’s much easier now they are older but throw in a life changing medical condition or some serious SEN and suddenly it’s not all rainbows and butterflies every day.

Yes, 100%, I love my children, and I've adored being a mum to them. But I had mine in my early twenties when I was young and overflowing with energy, and now coming into my forties they're independent teenagers.

If I was childfree going into my forties for some reason, but somehow knew what it was like to parent, I'd probably remain that way and make the most of the freedom, as I know I don't have the same energy I did then! I wouldn't have the energy to be as much of a patient, hands-on, fun mum as I was at twenty, and I love that my kids had that.

Yes but I always wanted them. Now they sre young adults/teens they are hard work and expensive but excellent people.
Adoption is another level, most adopted children in the UK in recent years have some level of additional needs through trauma/neglect/substance abuse in utero on top of the initial attachment taking longer can be hard. On your own it will be even harder.
I have huge respect for people that adopt.
Would you consider fostering? I have friends who do respite fostering and have wonderful long term relationships with some fabulous children without the daily pressure.

Yes I would. My girls are great and now they’re older we are close friends. I’d be lost without them. When kids are little it is hard work raising them,but when they grow up it’s rewarding.

Yes. But having my own kids and adopting are two different circumstances. I would not have adopted.
Two of my cousins were adopted as newborns. They were great kids and had loving parents. Another friend was adopted and though he loves his parents he decided against having biological children himself (or adopting) due to his health conditions and not knowing his genetic background. But I also know more recent adoptive situations, all adopted from abroad. It has been difficult- at least two have mental health issues.

100% they are the most amazing humans and I love being their mother. Would do it with dh too no change there.

Not saying it's not hard at times but its also a great joy and to me the joys have been better than the lows.

100% yes, but I have a very supportive husband, both sets of grandparents close by and a great friendship group. I just wish we bought a house 5 years earlier!

It is hard and relentless, yes. But its always better than parenting with a shit partner.

Yes 100% I would have liked to have more if life had worked out differently
Not sure I would be looking to adopt in my 40s though

Why?

For me it’s not a choice about the children themselves, they’re great. But would I choose to have all that comes with having children. Meeting their needs 24/7 is exhausting, it really never stops, and is financially crippling. But they’ve also kept me young and have been responsible for me having so much fun over the years too.

18 years is a long time though, it’s a job. One you can’t leave or take a sabbatical from.

I have one just turned 18 and the other will do so in 2.5 years and yes, I’m excited I’m nearly at the end of it and only now need to fund Uni.

So would I do it again if the clock went back? I still can’t answer this. Probably, maybe, oh I just don’t know.

Yes, but with a different man.

I am the opposite to you in that I never wanted kids, was happy I never wanted them, then had a massive broody hormonal surge in late 30s ( was already married) that I tried to ignore but eventually didn’t.

Very glad to have my kids ( now senior school and junior age). It’s been really hard and at times awful beyond endurance ( largely due to their dad) but I love them a love having them in my life.

As for adoption, I considered in case I could not conceive again but decided against. It’s a hard path and I certainly wouldn’t consider it as a single parent. You are taking on a child with complex needs. Maybe if you have strong and practical family support it could work. Also remember you are older. I had my last at 43. 10 years later and suddenly I am tired a lot, ache more, stiff more. Struggling to exercise as it wipes me out. Don’t underestimate the effect of ageing.

Finally, many of us don’t experience fundamental things we thought we would and crave. Whether it’s a living relationship to grow old in ( me!), a career we felt we made a difference in, children. Lots of people live with this, and it can be lived with if you put your focus somewhere else. It’s still there, but you have other things in your life to focus on.

So thats it really. Not much definite there for you, but some thoughts to consider.

Being a single mother is absolutely not something I would recommend to anyone. It is very hard and relentless.

Yes, I say this as someone with little support network.

I would say though having a good support network or even a single family member that helps you out with your children will obviously increase your experience of it being more positive.

Lack of partner for whatever number of reasons..... again will impact.

Number of children there is a BIG difference between having 1 child compared to 3 children...

@Chefpig if you want a child go for it now! Its not something anybody here can advise you to do because we will ALL have a different tale on how WE have found motherhood!

Nope, no way

I’ve adopted a child and had children naturally too and 100% yes. I would do it again. Yes it’s hard at times. Yes they push buttons you didn’t know you had but the love I feel for them is unparalleled. There is no food/holiday/experience that even comes close to the moments of pure joy I feel with them. Holding them and being their parent is the greatest thing I’ve ever done.