If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

Yes I would. Nothing else in my life has brought me anywhere near as much joy even though I have had plenty of lovely experiences and other people in it.
There have, of course, been many moments when it has been challenging and stressful, and they are the moments I might have verbalised the most. But the joy overrides them in every way.

The honest answer is I just don’t know. My view is coloured by how much I love my children and how happy they have made me. But it has been hard thus far, with DS1 having ASD and ADHD and DS2 with severe OCD and IBD (only sticking his toe in the water of going back to school now after two years at home.) I am DS2’s carer as well as his mum. It’s hard to imagine life without them. Unlike people who perhaps remember the freedom of their pre child years and miss the fun and autonomy, I can’t say my life was particularly wonderful before children. Just ticking along. I had mine at 41 and 45 and have to say these last few years of raising preteens into teenagers have been brutal. And I looked after my mum with dementia for almost a decade. That would have been ten times easier with no children to be fair. So a mixed review of my parenting years🤣

Yes. The only thing I’d change is I’d have started a family earlier (I was 39), and I would have had more than one. It’s incredibly difficult at times but is the single best thing I have ever done. I used to be consumed by work and career and getting stuff, and now I’m far more content and relaxed and “settled”. That’s just me, obviously, others experience will be different and, crucially, had I not had DD, I’m sure I would have had a perfectly happy life too.

But so much easier than trying to raise a happy joyful child, with a useless father trailing along behind.

Yes I would, but I would parent differently knowing what I know now about being ND (they are in their 20s and we have a fantastic relationship but I just didn’t understand some of their behaviours as young children and could've dealt with them better knowing what I do now).

Plus you worry as soon as the are born for the rest of your life! That’s a hard one to deal with and not good if you have anxiety as well!

They are def the negatives (obviously being ‘tied’ to them is another, but I don’t feel we put our lives on hold - it was just another type of life - I made friends I’d never have met without them).

They give you joy and heartache in equal measure!

I had my son mid-40s. Best of both worlds.

No. I love mine to bits and wouldn't be without them now. But if I knew then what I know now I wouldnt.

It's the emotional pain I struggle with. When they hurt you hurt but there's nothing you can. Do to ease their pain. They have to go through it.

And dint be fooled that they just add on to your life. They completely take it over. I was an older mother too and I think its harder as yiu are more set in your ways.

Yes, very much so. I'd have made a lot of different choices, mostly around finances, career and relationships but my son is the one thing I don't regret one bit. I am very proud of the young man he has become. I'd even go through the pain of marrying and divorcing his father again if I had to 🤣.
That said, he's been an easy child who has grown into a lovely young man. I've been very fortunate.

I’m a mum via adoption and it’s very different to having a birth child. We’re 2 years in and I wouldn’t change it. The process is slow though so if you’re considering it I would look at the local agency and see if there are any information days for you to go along to asap, they can answer a lot of questions for you.
What is your work life like? Adoption process requires a lot of time, when we were in stage 2 we met our social worker almost every week for 2 hours, sometimes more, for months.
Financially, could you manage adoption leave (pay will generally mirror whatever the maternity provision is) and potentially working part time? You may not need to but chances are you will for a period of time and SW will expect you to have a plan for this.

What I would say to you OP is that I don’t think I’d consider it if I didn’t have a trusted support network. It doesn’t have to be big but you will need people who can have your child for you for a few hours, who can listen while you talk things through and ideally who can also help on a practical level (like bringing shopping to you when you and dc are sick).
I have a hands on DH and there were still times on my adoption leave where I was on my knees and genuinely questioning our choice. The only thing that helped was having my ILs take LO off my hands for an hour or so then having DH pick him up and take over. I needed the time to shower, sleep, have a break from the monotony and noise.

I dont think the partner or lack of would put me off - I know lots of parents in relationships where one of them (usually the dad) might as well not be there. But adoption is a totally different thing. There will be some form of trauma no matter the circumstances and along with that the rate of FASD, attachment issues and SEND is very high.

Saying all that, I’ve met a lot of adoptive parents and only one regrets the choice, and that’s because they adopted siblings (which come with a particular type of trauma) and her DH left so she’s suddenly a single mum to 2 small children.
All the others have varying levels of stress but all love that we are parents now so I would do it all again.

Absolutely the best thing I've ever done. Ds is a fantastic young man and we are great friends who love spending time with each other.

Yes. I had my only dc at 45, having focussed on my career before that. His df proved to be a lazy, selfish, uninvolved parent and we split when ds was two and a half.

After that, it was hard work as I continued to work full time, but the last 18 years have been filled with love & joy, humour & interest. I've done things I would never have done without him, and made a lot of friends.

I've spent weeks teaching him to swim & cycle, days skiing slowly backwards, teaching him to ski. We've learned karate together. The time spent making a WWI battle trench out of chocolate cake at 9pm on a Sunday night after he forgot to tell me.

Whether I would have felt the same about a child I had not birthed, I don't know. But don't worry about your age, as long as you are basically healthy. I'm 63 and dropped mine at halls of residence this week.

If it is something you really want, go for it.

I would absolutely have my children again. In every single lifetime I would have them again. I went through hell to have them and it was completely worth it. I have genuinely never regretted having them, not even for a millisecond. They enhance my life in ways I couldn't possibly have imagined.

That said - adoption is a COMPLETELY different kettle of fish. Even from birth, adoptive children come with trauma and we are only just scratching the surface of that. Adoptive children who are now adults are best placed to speak of the challenges and benefits of adoption so I highly recommend doing a lot of research into their views. But adoption is not a cure for infertility - it is a completely different skillset and way to spend your life.

For me it's a bit like saying, oh do you like painting? Yes, yes, I've done some sip and paint classes on occasion, they're great I'd definitely go again. Oh that's great, could you come and help paint the Sistene Chapel for me then? ....err, no. I don't know how to paint lying down, I don't have any of the equipment I'd need, I don't have the patience to be painting day in day out, I've not got any contacts at the Vatican to know who to speak to....... and so on. They're sort of very broadly in the same category of 'activity' but one does not replace or imitate the other.

Yes agree with the age thing entirely. Age is a controversial thing on here, but I’d tell anyone despite the prejudices the best decision I ever made was to become a parent in my 20s.

Yes, but probably only one. My children's father was an abusive and useless POS and I could have escaped a lot sooner had I only had one child.

Having said that, I do love all my children and I wouldn't be without them now.

Absolutely not.
I had an unwanted pregnancy before legal abortion was available in my country.

I loved my child, could not give him up for adoption, but life was incredibly hard for an unmarried mother.

Yes but only in the exact same circumstances, I’d have never gone for it without a DH who I knew was going to be at least a 50/50 parent

Yes, it means I don’t have a career so I’m poor as hell; but I would give everything for my children and Im grateful everyday for them. They are the best thing about me and absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done is bring them up, such a huge privilege (even though I know as a feminist it’s not an approved answer lol!)

Yes, absolutely 💯. I only have one and have raised her entirely as a single parent - her father chose not to be involved and hasn’t seen her or paid maintenance. Zero family support. My career was established before I had her. However - there are many things I would change if I did it again.

Yes but I would not have made some of the choices I made with regard to being a SAHM.

If I could have foreseen where we are now I would say absolutely not

Personally I would yes. However I would not do it if I knew it meant doing it alone and starting at 40 honestly.

From a purely selfish viewpoint absolutely I would do it again and again and again. I utterly adore my children and grandchildren. I have been unbelievably lucky with them and get so much back from them. Only reason I would think twice now are fears for the future of the planet and therefore the future my descendants will be facing. That keeps me awake sometimes, the thought of bad things happening to them.

We looked into adoption but soon realised it was not for us. Very sad, but children who need adopting have many challenges in their lives and I knew I wasn't mentally strong enough to deal with them.

Yes I absolutely would. But I wouldn’t do it alone. I always remember saying when I was young if I hadn’t met DH I’d have gone it alone, I realise now how naive I was. To the challenge of it all, but also what the child loses in that situatuon. Different for adoption though I think, you’d be giving a child that already exists a home. I think it would be very hard though. Harder than having a baby.

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