If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

I love my children. They were planned. If I had known how hard things would be though I am not so sure I would have gone ahead. I still remember being told my 16 year old son had cancer. (He had an excellent prognosis and made it.) My children had challenges galore in their early years. I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop for a while. They were not minnie mes at all. I look at my children and I can see some faint echoes of me but they are very different in looks and temperament. I had a husband to share things with so I imagine it must be hard on your own.

The thing is you don’t know how much you will hate it till you become a parent then it’s too late.

I would definitely have kids again - but I have my own biological kids and I had them with my DH and we are still together (kids are now 18 and 15). It was still hard and we've sacrificed a huge amount of enjoyable adult life and experiences in order to do it, but I don't regret it and would do it again if I had my life all over again.

But would I have kids in your situation, if it meant adoption and parenting as a single person? Probably not. It would just be too hard.

DD yes in a heartbeat. DS honestly no. I love him but he’s made life so incredibly difficult.

Yes. My kids are utterly brilliant and I love spending time with them - they are 14 and 11. When they were little it was hard work, and I did question my decision a couple of times when I had had no sleep at all.
I feel lucky that my DCs are such great company, and do things without me having to nag, and love school. I don’t take credit for it.

Probably not if I was honest. I love them more than I could have ever imagined, but they are both ND which has made their teen years so hard for them (and me), and they are both unhappy and struggle with life. It really is unbearable seeing them suffer and not be able to do anything to help. Hopefully things will improve, but at the moment the anxiety is overwhelming, at a time when I would have assumed the stress of parenting was receding.

This. But, if the OP is looking at adoption, she wouldn't get through the process without being asked all of these questions repeatedly, and only a resilient and determined person would get through the (understandably) time-consuming and intrusive approval and matching processes, anyway.

I would absolutely have my DS again, OP, but that's completely irrelevant to your decision. I'd start spending some time on the Mn adoption board looking through posts -- lots of experienced, knowledgeable single adopters there.

No just look at all the problems and stresses on here. Stay single. Be careful what you wish for.

Yes, 100%. I went through a lot to have them - fertility problems, a miscarriage, an ectopic, IUI, IVF, ICSI - and it’s like that was all nothing now.

I haven’t gone a single day without being filled with love for them and thinking I am so so lucky to have them. They fill my life with joy. Yes, there are tough times, there’s worry, there’s mood, there’s arguments. But the good times have far far outweighed those. We’ve still travelled, just a bit differently from what we would have done, we’ve had a full life.

They're young adults now, one of them has his first serious relationship, so we’re looking forward to what the next chapter will bring.

Childless not by choice here but you might be interested because I am seeing it from the other end. We wanted children but investigation and treatment was much harder to get in the 70's and the treatment was nastier and less successful so we decided to leave it to fate. Once we had worked through the feelings and the social expectations (thankfully not from our parents) we had a very happy and fulfilling marriage until my husband died 15 years ago.

I think that all of us go through life "not experiencing" stuff.
Kindly I would say be sure its something that you actively want and not hormone driven or FOMO.
I wish you a choice that is a good and happy one for you.

Absolutely not. I adore my children, but the world is changing in a way that I don't think I would choose now to bring children into it.

Is it ethical to have children? Sometimes I blame myself for choosing to bring them into the world.

What kind of world are we bringing them into? I worry about where it is heading—with war, conflict, disease, and artificial intelligence making life feel more uncertain and extreme by the day.

I think everybody's experience of parenthood is different largely depending on their circumstances. Physical health, mental health, your overall wellbeing and how you manage it, career and job opportunities, stable relationship, supportive partner/family and friendships, being able to drive/access to a car/public transport, your housing, your finances, childcare etc etc. All these things contribute to the experience you have of being a parent and people will base their experience off of these circumstances. Then there's things like your childrens childhood experiences such as impact of their parents experiences as well as bulling, ill health etc. There's so many different factors that contribute to each individuals experience of being a parent.

I have three friends who have adopted. One as a single mum. All say that whilst they will always fight for their children, they would never have done it had they known the many long effects of trauma on a child and the utterly woeful access to support. I one case there is child to parent violence.

Il not saying that all adoptions end up like this. Many posters will come along and tell me that this is not their experience and adoption has been very positive.

But you need to go into it with eyes wide open and with no romance of parenthood.

I wouldn’t have had them so close together and I would have picked a better father. But they are the loves of my life.

I understand the question though. I’ve been a single parent for years and it is HARD and I’ve been burnt out and strung out. But I still look at their grumpy stinky spotty teenage faces and think how lucky I am to have them in my life.

Yes but I wish I had known that DH was ADHD, I’m autistic and therefore kids likely to be ND.

Instead we’re figuring it all out 5 years down the line and wondering why we found it so much harder than everyone else.

Totally agree with you

No, if I’d realised I was signing up for a lifetime of worry, I wouldn’t have had them.

You think it will be easier when they grow up. But when they are adults you are helpless to do anything when they have normal difficulties and struggles - things like exam disappointments, heart break and health worries.

Then worrying when they go out at night or get into a car. I’m not even a particularly anxious person and my DS is a good kid!

Absolutely, in my circumstances. It’s the best thing I’ve done and even on the hard days I do not regret it at all. I could have been happy without a child, but I don’t think my previous life was as fulfilling as my life is now.

I would not have done it as a single parent, though. And adoption has many additional challenges to consider, which I don’t think I would have been able to handle as the child deserves.

I think this is one of those questions where at the end of the day only you know your own answer. Your circumstances, wants, goals, etc will be unique to you, so it makes zero odds that Mary from Colchester thinks it’s the best thing ever whilst Jane from Chester dreams of a life of holidays.

I know people who’ve adopted or IVF as lone parent and they adore it. I know people who wish they could pack it all in. I know people who longed for a child then realise the reality is hard. Others were indifferent but fell pregnant and it’s transformed their lives for the better… none of these should have any bearing on how you feel and what you choose to do.

Yes I absolutely would. There is nothing like it.

Mine is still little at the moment though so I haven't experienced the whole journey. Hopefully I will still say the same in 15 years.

It's harder than I expected, and the change to your life is absolutely momentous. Like - you will never be the same person again as you were before you had children.

It's difficult to understand how huge the life change is before you have them. I felt like no one had told me, but I realised they had - I just hadn't really been able to understand.

I knew it would be hard and a big change... but however big you imagine it will be... times that by ten.

Personally, I don't think I could have done it for an adopted child and in my 40's. In your position, I don't know if I'd go ahead.

But I had 5 years of fertility treatment to get my son, and I always knew I would not be able to adopt if it didn't work. I would have just had a happy childfree life.

Everyone is different though, and adoption is an absolutely incredible thing to do.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

Yes, I have two. They are very close. I wish I had had another, but I was mid and late 30s so then was considered a late started. I am fortunate though as they are both very kind, and easy going. They have grown into wonderful young adults whom I love spending time with. I would go back to any stage of childhood and do it all again. I was absolutely at my happiest when my DC were primary school age and both children and our parents were well.

Yes 100%. I’d have one again. My dd is a mid teen now and I’ve loved being her mum.

Definitely. I was on the fence about children when I was younger but my time with my child is the best of my life. I took DC on holiday by myself last summer and it was one of the best holidays of my life.

However, my child is lovely and generally easy to parent, no special needs, my DH is supportive and we are financially stable.

Having said that, I know a single Mum of two who isn't well off and she'd also say having her kids was the best thing ever. I think she actually finds it easier without her ex and likes not having to compromise on anything or run things past anyone before making decisions!

It's luck really based on your personality and circumstances and what your child is like.

What do you hate so much about it?