If you had your chance to start again, would you still have had kids?

Do it OP. Adoption can be super tough though. It’s often a lot more hard work than the kind of parenting experience most people who don’t adopt have. It’s an amazing thing to do though if you’re ready for the commitment, but that commitment is a pretty massive one. I’m a similar age to you, also single with a 7-year-old daughter. I’ve been a single parent since she was 2. I wouldn’t change a thing. Of course it’s been tough at times but the love you feel for them outweighs the difficult times. I’ve never experienced so much pure joy, love and a deep sense of purpose as I have since becoming a mother. She’s my best mate and we have a lot of fun together (and before anyone jumps on me, we each have plenty of friends our own age, I don’t rely on her for emotional support and she has plenty of boundaries!) There’s no other person you’ll ever love so unconditionally. It’s a very unique relationship. I’d just research the realities of adoption to death before making a decision. Good luck!

I'm sorry, this must be incredibly hard.

I just wanted to say that I had awful MH issues. I was a sweet child, but put my parents through hell as a teenager and for a fair chunk of my 20s.

Then I was a good daughter to them again (and happy generally in life). Each said that I was a joy and a comfort to them after that though, and especially so in how I cared for them through the horrible illnesses from which they died.

I know it sounds boastful, repeating that about myself. But I just wanted you to read an example of how even a child who's still a source of grief and trouble at 21 can completely change direction.

I hope your difficult child ends up bringing you huge joy, too.

I think that does make sense.

DH and I wanted children but we couldn’t have them due to fertility issues. I did wonder what my life was for, if not to have children. But when I went into my feelings properly I realised that a lot of it was FOMO, feeling left out and left behind because all my friends and family were having children, and feeling I couldn’t be really fulfilled without having children, because that’s what society had told me. DH and I have built a great life together (it’s our 36th wedding anniversary today as it happens), had some truly wonderful experiences and I wouldn’t change anything.

Yes definitely, my kids are lovely. If I was doing it all over again I would have the kids but then leave STBXH as soon as feasible, I think it would have been easier by myself and we would have been happier.

No, I would not.

I think I would be happier pursuing my own adventures. The sleep deprivation in the early years gave me depression, parenting pressures have eroded my romantic relationship with my partner, and the bits of my life I enjoy most are when I am doing things for myself.

I think I would have been better as a fun aunt, enjoying and enriching my friends/families kids lives, rather than a full on parent.

@kidsnetflixHe is. I love him with my whole heart but it’s been so hard and soul destroying. The worry is never ending especially about what will happen after I’m gone.

Absolutely! I adore my (now adult) children. My regret is that I only had two.

Yes, yes yes. Best thing that ever happened to me. And now I'm a grandmother which is just as good.

Yes, but I dont believe at all its the only route to a happy, fulfilled life.

I personally would not choose to have a child by myself, having the right partner has made my experience of motherhood enjoyable (i know it can all change before anyone says). But others do and thrive- not helpful I know but no answer will give you whats best for you.

I have no children and in my case that was my choice. No regrets and if I had to make that choice again it would be the same.
I do have several friends who have adopted children and in all these cases the children have significant intellectual and emotional problems due to neglect in babyhood, exposure to drugs in the womb etc. Not all these issues were apparent at the point when they adopted. I think anyone who adopts is admirable, but my friends have found family life extremely tough.
Have you considered fostering? It would give you a chance to experience family life with a child that needs to home.

No as you can’t cherry pick if you will have a disabled child or not. If you do life is very difficult and questionable whether it’s enjoyable at all.

Absolutely I know someone else that adopted 2 traumatised children. One was Ok the other was not.

Absolutely would do it all again. It has been incredibly emotionally and physically challenging, but I cannot imagine how my life would have turned out without them.

I know from work (school) that adoptive families face many additional challenges, but do also know from friends who have adopted that it can be wonderful.

Yes. Probably would have bitten the bullet and had them earlier, however.

Is he SEN? It’s so hard …

I'd probably have more to be fair.

One final point, if you have hopes of having a relationship, don’t have children. I was young looking and attractive in my mid-late forties snd got quite a bit of male attention. All of them rapidly disappeared when I said I had young kids, some of them openly looking horrified at the news.

I also agree thar if someone saying ‘fuck no’ on this post is enough to put you off, you don’t have what it takes for the hard route of being a middle aged single mum to an adopted child. That’s a lot of added challenging factors there.

I wonder if the problem for many women is giving it enough time to be sure they are with the right person, before having children.

Plus the toxicity of social media where we are shown the beautiful easy bits of parenting and not the real life struggles that we all have.

Yes I think I would but I’d hope I’d still only have 1 and would definitely only have a child in a stable relationship

I would start earlier and have many more. No way would I not have children.

Honestly, no.

I love my kids but one is disabled and goes to a specialist school and had the thought of a potentially disabled child crossed my mind I wouldn't have ever had children so no I think I wouldn't because I am going to be a carer and probably have no life of my own for the rest of my existence. 😞

sorry to sound depressing. it's an honest thought.

100%. I can't explain why exactly (well - the experience of that kind of love is magical), as kids can be so much work, at times frustration, and you tend to put yourself second and their needs first - but somehow that's the actual thing that gives your life purpose.

We spend a lot of time otherwise just focused on ourselves. Pleasure, freedom and having only yourself to please feels great on the surface, but a whole lifetime of just that can leave a person self absorbed and not really contributing anything to someone else's life (I'm obviously generalising here - many, many women without kids give their heart to other children such as nieces, nephews, friends' children etc. I'm just talking about a worst case scenario where the woman just focuses inwardly on her own needs and no one else).

Having kids can definitely make you a better person as there is someone else who you know is more important than you. You have to sacrifice and compromise and that's actually good for the soul, even if at times it feels difficult. Also, kids can be a lot of fun and fantastic company once they're teenagers.

Categorically, no. I love DS, but I find parenting itself incredibly hard work, and we only have the one. It’s not so much that we can’t/don’t still do the things we did before. For example, we still go to restaurants, have holidays, etc. It’s more that everything is obviously child-centred since having DS, so each of those experiences feels like a compromise compared to the version of it we’d be doing if we didn’t have him. DH and I also have a lot less time for each other now than we did pre-DS, and whilst we’re a happy family unit overall, I’d definitely say our relationship isn’t as close as it once was and I miss that.

Yes.

In an ideal world I'd have met my husband sooner, had at least double the number of children, and had my parents around for my their childhood.

I'm glad I had a good support network before having children. I wish I'd heavily decluttered the house beforehand and got myself organised! But I'm so glad I have my children.

I considered adopting when I was single (and still think it's much better than using IVF to bring a "fatherless" child into the world).

Friends who have adopted do seem have faced far greater challenges with their teenage and young adult children (on average) than those with biological children. We could never know for certain, but all suspect that FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) has been a bigger factor than the trauma of their early years.

Whilst none my closest friends in that position have ultimately regretted adopting (as opposed to sometimes feeling that way for a limited time), they have been Christians with a very deep faith, and have been loved and supported by close-knit churches. Not trying to prosthelytise or suggest that others can't get through problems or have support of course, but I know they'd be quick to point out that they didn't get through it by their own strength.

It's a wonderful thing you're considering doing. It might be good to try to meet plenty of adoptive parents (recent ones and ones whose children are adults), especially some single ones. Not all LAs are completely honest about the problems the children can face (such as FAS) or the availability of support years after adoption, and it's good to go in knowing the likely best and worst case scenarios.