MIL ignoring DS allergies

Even if you were actually overreacting (which you’re not, as per Dr’s advice and basic common sense), a normal person would indulge you, what with you having just had a horrible emergency involving your child being rushed to hospital in an ambulance. Your DH and his mum are awful, please make sure someone knows what they’re doing and is there to support you.

I would say LTB (my first!), but in this case it’s LTB&MIL - what an embarrassing shit show and my heart breaks for DS

It sounds like you already had issues in your marriage? But risking your son's life just can't be tolerated. So you need toake plans to separate. The longer your DS is in their company the risk to his life increases.

Oh OP. It sounds like you are in a horrible situation and I am so sorry you are not able to just up and leave. Is it just the one child you have? Is there anywhere you can go for a couple of nights to keep your son safe and get some space to think?

What are the financials around your living situation?

I am angry on your behalf.

Yikes, here's my first ever Mumsnet LTB. Is there anywhere you can go? Might sound dramatic but this would spell the end for me. Speaking to you like that in front of your son, disregarding medical advice that could literally put your child in mortal danger? He's done.

Your husband is emotionally abusing you, and it's not right.

I would not tolerate it.

I'd report them to bloody social services. Him for abuse and nuts and her for nuts.

your son having to see him behave like this to you is abuse to your son too

Agree - this feels deliberate and minimising on both their parts. Or a sign that they are both so fucking stupid and uneducated that they should never be allowed around OP’s DC unsupervised.

Your DH and MIL are mental. Did he not remotely listen when he was told that exposure to nuts could cause serious damage/kill his child! The nuts need to leave the house and never return. Serious discussions need to follow as to why they even considered this. So many bags sounds almost deliberate. I would consider if this set up is right for your DC. If DH cannot even consider your child's health needs. Worryingly though your DC would still be exposed when he had contact time.

JFC. Im with the “kick the door off the hinges” person. Why on earth your dh didn’t say to mil a firm no is beyond me.
My dd went on pack lunches this week and the school sent an email about nut allergies so I spent time looking at the ingredients of everything she took to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently put another child at risk. Then we had a chat about what things we could take and why we can’t take nutella spread or snacks with any nuts in so when we do the shopping we will need to look packets and ingredients . Even a flipping 10yo could understand why we needed to be extra safe.

You have a husband issue. Your husband took his Mum to the supermarket and stood by, whilst she purchased nuts! Did he say anything to his Mum?! He's then allowed his Mum to keep the nuts in her room, because somehow that makes it all OK. Does your husband not believe your son has a possible nut allergy?! Is his Mum such a priority in his life, that he's willing to put his own son's life at risk?! Does your husband not really understand the seriousness of your son's allergy? Does your MIL not believe in nut allergies, and is trying to prove a point?!

My mind boggles at your husband's behaviour. He should have stopped his Mum purchasing nuts, full stop, and laid the law down to her!!

Can't MIL stay in a retirement village?

You are not to blame at all OP. Many men don’t show their true colours until they’re married or even long after.

But what are you going to do about your marriage? It does sound like you should end it, but you need to ensure your DS is never around his grandmother at the times his dad has custody. They can’t be relied on to keep him safe. You need to document this incident fully for when you are sorting out custody.

For many people with a nut [or other] allergy, the allergens can be airborne and have only to be breathed in - and being kissed by a person who has eaten nuts in the preceding few hours can also kill you - so intimate partners have to avoid contact too. This is why nuts can be banned on flights if a passenger is declared to have that level of allergy (note - not all people have that severe a reaction, but until this DC has been tested, they cannot know).

Have a look at my comment 2/3 up from yours

I’m afraid in your shoes I would be leaving - but I’d also be getting a no contact order in place on the basis that they have shown they are willing to put your child’s life at risk.

My PiL are 85 and both my children are lactose intolerant - no risk of death, but milk products when they were younger could make either of them very ill - painful stomach aches and pretty violent diarrhoea, rashes etc. Despite being older that your MiL, they have never had an issue with grappling with this and regularly had my kids to stay for a week at a time - and they simply moved over to lactose free products wholesale, such that they have never had lactose/dairy containing items in the house since. My kids can turn up any time as young adults and know that everything in the house is fine for them.

I’d speak to the consultant at the allergy testing and get them to write you a letter that in no uncertain terms clarifies that nuts [or whatever he is found to be allergic to] cannot be in the house - OR eaten by people who have contact with your children as I understand just being kissed by someone who has eaten them in the last few hours can trigger an anaphylactic response.

I have an anaphylactic response to quinoa and the lengths my DH goes to to vet hotel and restaurant buffets and menus, not even allowing me to approach the buffet counter or enter the restaurant if he suspects any of the meals have it as an ingredient - and taking me elsewhere to eat despite an AI holiday package - is the level of caution and scrutiny your DS’s family should be demonstrating.

This marriage would be over as far as I am concerned.

Wishing you luck today. Nuts in the bin and the pair of them need the riot act.

I need educating on this. He won’t be in the same room and presumably the door will be shut?

I agree with the poster who has told you to ring the clinic to notify them that on hearing about the nut allergy your mother in law immediately went out and bought 3 packets of nuts and ask them to raise a safeguarding concern because this is also coercive control from your husband and his mother. You might struggle to explain it to the police but a clinic working in this field should be better positioned to do so. This is full on abuse of your child and you from your husband and his mother.

This absolutely needs to be flagged or when you leave this man these people will have access to your child.

Peanut allergy mum here 🙋🏼‍♀️

Even if she does eat them in her room and keeps them in a box, the oils can still transfer. I'll add a pic from chat gpt which explains in better than I can.

My MIL stayed at our house to watch the dogs whilst we were away and decided to eat a 4 pack of snickers so you can imagine my delight to come home and deep clean my house. Safe to say she won't be asked again!

I would tell her they are going straight in the bin today and if she pulls another stunt like that you will throw her out on the street.

Grandparents often will push boundaries regarding their DGC wellness and safety to make a point to their parent.
Myself and SiL had this with MiL, we are now both NC and LC with FiL. She genuinely could have killed my newborn baby the first time she was given 5 minutes alone with him. I went upstairs to change my pad and came downstairs and she was using fruit (grape!) like a dummy, saying he was hungry. He was 2 days old. With my SiL’s DD she did something as equally dangerous by ignoring her request and neighbours of SiL found her with newborn DD and had to help them get to safety. FiL is just a stubborn idiot, he’d do similar, bring in peanuts and say it was all crap and nobody had allergies in the 70s.

Like @ThatLilacTiger I’d be kicking doors down and throwing these fuckers out.

she’s in her 70s but has health issues so my husband doesn’t want to leave her on her own.

You may not want to say but what health issues does she have that she can't be left on her own? Aside from the health thing is there some co-dependency going on?