MIL ignoring DS allergies

Your DH and his mother are not taking this seriously and being selfish as hell.

Your MIL is literally putting her preference for snacks over the life of her grandchild and your husband is allowing it.

Your house. Your child. The MIL should be told exactly how selfish she is and as for your DH, he needs to decide if he has what it takes to be a father at all.

I agree completely.

I knew someone whose mother took several medications, she would leave them on the countertop in the kitchen when visiting, just strewn around. My friend had young kids at the time and kept moving them out of their reach, and her mother would shout at her, saying she was wrapping them in cotton wool and stop being such a drama queen. Her meds could have killed a child - her own grandchildren mind you.

Some people are simply bonkers, and there is no reasoning with them, or fixing them, or understanding them. I think OP is just now realising this applies to the father and grandmother of her child.

You did nothing wrong.

There is something seriously wrong with your moron of a husband.

You need to get your head round that and proceed on that basis. Get everything documented now because if/when you do split you cannot trust him not to put your child in danger.

I would message/email him so you have a record telling him what he did wrong and what must change right now.

Tell them the nuts go or she does. Ask your 'D'H if he is hard of undertsanding. And if he is he goes too.

You need to take the nuts off her and tell her either the nuts go or she goes - NOW.

And your husband is a fucking waste of space.

Unbelievable!

Write down in detail everything that your husband says. You will need to have a record of it when you leave him. He can't have custody. The risk is too high. He could kill your son.

Like mother, like son. Get your child out of there as fast as you can, neither of them can be trusted with his safety.

Would your MIL usually have this many nuts? And love nuts so much she couldn't wait a week? This sounds like a power move to me, from DH and MIL. You need to get out, you know that I'm sure. But I'm not sure that it isn't a stretch to assume this is a deliberate move to get you to leave the house to them? Get solicitors advice as unless they completely reverse their current position and they don't understand how the particles could move through the house, the house will never be safe for your son to live in.

Yes. They are treating you with contempt.

They’ll probably still advise you to avoid all nuts in general (except when advised to have some to build up tolerance).

DD has several nut allergies but not all and she’s advised to steer clear of all due to risk of cross contamination when packing. And mistakenly I bought some bread when she was in her teens and very used to check labels, only for her to eat it during the night - we ended up in the hospital.

I would honestly advise 0 tolerance on this, especially with a child so young. My ex-MIL was similar, it was awful.

I would speak to women’s aid for support with coming up with a plan to leave. They will help you with any financial help you would be entitled to etc.
and to discuss and advise on the verbal abuse and bullying you are enduring, as well as their endangering your sons life and disregarding paediatricians advice.

This!!

It was so stressful to read that your DH and his mother are so stubbornly ignorant and stupid that they don't care about the risk to your little boy, despite witnessing his hospitalisation with their own eyes and being warned by medical professionals. I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you are in and its come out of the blue too.

And then to hear the way they treated you when you tried to protect your son from their pointless stupid nuts, this morning.This shows that not only your MIL but crucially your DH simply cannot be trusted to be with your son without supervision. Also indicates that they do not listen to a word you say and have no respect for your opinion despite medical evidence.

I agree with PPs that you should report this to your GP, safeguarding at the school, and a health visitor.. and ask them to send a confirmation that you have reported this. It might be useful if you have to take further steps to protect him. Would would a health visitor talking to them at your home help drum the message in? They would also note down any refusal attitudes? Also consult women's aid or similar about how to deal with their refusal to co -operate on this and what it means for your son's on going safety. Wishing you and your DS all the best x

Yes, definitely. Either the nuts go and they both take it as a life or death situation. Or you and your son go.

I'm only 10 years younger than your MiL and I'm quite aware of the risk. She's taking the piss. And your husband needs a fucking rocket up his backside.

It sounds incredibly difficult.

How are you going to keep calm for your son who has had a scary medical experience, while also making absolutely sure that he does not get exposed to nuts at home..

It seems absolutely reasonable too, that you are asking yourself whether your marriage and relationship with your mother in law can survive.

I suppose the first thing is to concentrate on making the house safe in the short term.

The second is to think about the longer term implications of this.

For what it's worth AI suggests

Involve Medical Professionals: Report caregiver non-compliance or intentional exposure to pediatricians, social services, or child protection authorities if a child's physical safety is actively endangered at home.

The safeguarding lead at school might be a good person to advise on next steps.

Yeah you will need evidence if you go for full custody because your DH can’t be trusted. He was with her in the store!! It’s not like she sneaked them back in the house.

Doesn’t he realise your son could be allergic to the nut vapour in the air (which is why some planes make an announcement to be nut free). And is your MIL going to stay in her room permanently or will she be touching things your DS will touch? Of course she will!

What a pair of utter fuckwits.

Also you need a paper trail for child custody later. You need it in writing with a professional that DH ignored medical advice for DS.

Sorry its turned out like this. Be clever OP and a step ahead of that fuckhead.

I say to my husband what is going on and he doesn’t see an issue with it, saying she’ll keep them in her room in a sealed box and won’t eat them around him

This is divorce material OP. Your husband is either stupid, arrogant, neglectful to the point of cruelty, or panders to his mother to the point he's willing to endanger his son.

Her behaviour is totally unacceptable if she knows he has a severe nut allergy, and he's enabling it.

I’d go into school now and raise a safeguarding concern with the DSL. Not joking, this latest episode with the verbal abuse also qualifies as child abuse; coupled with the wilful behaviour around nuts i think it needs raising. Put it this way, if one of the kids I work with told me this story it would be an immediate safeguarding report, not a “I’ll speak to them later” niggle, a full-on concern for the child’s immediate welfare.

Your husband is a fucking melt! I don’t blame you for wanting to divorce him.

It's really important if you are planning to leave you get it recorded what has happened and how unsafe a parent DH is 😔 how could you share custody with someone this risky?

I was writing about the opposite - about DiL having an interest in MIL's house, sorry. Chicken before egg in this situation.

If your MIL eats or handles nuts and your DS hugs,touches or kisses her you are risking his life.
You need to protect your son from your MIL and your DH.

Why isn't your DH following the medical advice regarding removing all nuts from your home ?
If your MIL is eating nuts or handling nuts and kisses or touches your son she is risking another anaphylactic reaction for your son.
Why was anyone risk that?
Explain to your DH and MIL having a nut free home is non negotiable .