AIBU to want to leave my husband after 14 years together

Barney16 · 17/09/2026 09:13

It sounds a bit like an unequal house share, given that you do more domestic stuff. As pp have said go do the stuff you want to do and see what happens. He may get a wake up call and begin to change or not. If not then you need to decide whether leaving him is the next step.

hopefulcandidate · 17/09/2026 09:08

This sounds similar to my own marriage. Together 22 years, married 17. No sex for over 3 years but refuses to talk about it. He just stopped wanting to. His ideal evening is to watch a bit of tv together in evening then he goes to bed (seperate rooms) about 8:30pm. Doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I tried to go out and do things on my own but that didn’t stop my marriage being lonely and the feeling of being constantly rejected by someone I love. We are now getting divorced. Life is too short to be that unhappy.

TunnelLight · 17/09/2026 01:25

He sounds older than his years. It’s easy to get into a rut of not doing anything and hard to get out of it. But it doesn’t sound as though he wants out of it. If he’s perfectly happy doing what he’s doing then you shouldn’t really try changing that. You should however change things in your own life if you’re not happy.

It does seem that life is passing you by and with no kids to dictate what you do everyday for 18 years, this shouldn’t be the case. Start doing your own ‘fun’ things and see where it leads you.

JemimaPuddleduck53 · 17/09/2026 01:06

are you still in love with him?
maybe you should book yourself a holiday leaving him at home and take the time to figure out what you want to do. the time apart may give you some clarity

3luckystars · 16/09/2026 01:49

Oh I can sympathise with you. Truly. In my case there was a diagnosis (actually several)

Would he visit the GP for antidepressants? Would he attempt marriage counselling?

if he knew you were going to leave, would he act?

You can’t do it all yourself, it takes 2 people pulling together to keep a marriage going. Think of it like 2 horses pulling a cart together. You can’t do it all.

Tuesdayschild50 · 15/09/2026 23:54

Yes put yourself first its your life who cares what others think.
Go live life have fun see new places be you.. youve outgrown each other and thats ok but dont stay wasting away.
I mean going to bed at 8pm to read great yeah if everything else is good in other departments but come on he sounds like he is going through the motions too if he'd rather read a book than get cosy with you or go out and have a nice e night somewhere sounds like youve both checked out.

MaddestGranny · 15/09/2026 19:36

PermanentTemporary · 14/09/2026 23:15

I think I’d check out the legal position and plan to leave. For me a relationship where you’ve stopped having sex or any physical closeness and don’t have kids is over anyway. Also I don’t hang about if someone threatens my financial security. I’d want to know if he was gambling online and what the equity in your house actually looks like.

Totally this.

MaddestGranny · 15/09/2026 19:34

MMUmum · 15/09/2026 18:34

Up to you, if you want to leave then leave, he is not wanting to have any kind of life beyond the house, you want to be out there having life experiences, you are not compatible.

Show quote history

He's nine years older than you, he's nearly 50. He's not going to change, except to continue on the downhill trajectory he's on. To me, it sounds like he's stolen some of your best years. But you are still young. You need to get away as soon as you can and start your life again. There's so much fun to be had out there - whether with another partner or by yourself. Don't be scared. It takes a while to start again & rebuild a better life. But the sooner the better. There's nothing left for you in this "marriage". Good luck. And courage.💐

Yolo12345 · 15/09/2026 18:51

Believe me, people will understand. Life is too short and you deserve happiness. The world is such an interesting place, get out there and discover it x

MMUmum · 15/09/2026 18:34

ThisTurquoiseCritic · 14/09/2026 10:37

DH and I have been married 12 years and together for 14. I'm 39 and he's 48. No kids. From the outside perspective we have a great life, he's a very high earner, and I want for nothing, however I feel like I've just been going through the motions for years now.

He works from home the majority of the time and I'm office based, yes he earns almost 4 times than me but every evening it's me who cooks, tidies up after him from the day whilst he lays on the sofa. I clean down the kitchen and finally sit down by 7, he will then go up to bed by 8 as he's tired and wants to read. Most evenings are spent by myself. He doesn't want to watch any TV with me, go for a dog walk (I do all the dog walks), or grab a drink at the pub or go out for dinner. He has suffered with anxiety for years and I know home is his comfort place. He's become incredibly insular whereas I want to go out and experience life. We haven't had a holiday abroad for 9 years, or even a holiday in this country for nearly 7 as he just doesn't seem fussed and when I do bring this up he will worry about the dog or work or they'll be some excuse as to why we can't go. The last holiday he was on his phone the entire time working anyway. There's so much I want to do and experience, go to London to the sights, see a show, go on city breaks, try new restaurants, just live life! I just feel as the years have gone by we have drifted apart massively and want different things now.

I tried speaking to him about this last Summer...things changed for a month or so and then went back to normal....he agreed to go on a holiday because it's important to me this year, but I know he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't see the issue in this because he's making the effort to go. Maybe that's unkind of me and maybe I've just clocked out of the marriage now. He still is incredibly lazy at home, doesn't suggest doing anything and goes up to bed early. He has never really cooked me a meal, ever. If he does it will be a ready meal. Also, intimacy is another bone of contention, we haven't had sex for nearly 4 years. He says he's shy?

I think I know my answer but I'm scared. I could afford a one bed flat in my area due to equity in the house but I know all our friends and family are going to be so shocked and not understand. He also has a long standing history of racking up debt which I have helped him pay off on a number of occasions, but he still spends like it's going out of fashion. This gives me such bad anxiety, every day something will turn up at the house and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

I need to leave him don't I?

Up to you, if you want to leave then leave, he is not wanting to have any kind of life beyond the house, you want to be out there having life experiences, you are not compatible.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2026 07:32

Op go and get a life. Join a running or dog walking group or a sport with a social aspect. Suggest a city break with a friend or family because right now you are living his life and not yours. Once you start taking control I’m sure you will feel in a good position to pull the trigger on the marriage with less doubt in your mind.

scoobysnaxx · 15/09/2026 00:03

Omg I sorry you’re in this situation but you need to leave!!

you are wasting away with this man!

39 and no sex for 4 years, no travel and no social/outside life?!

for goodness sake leave and go and life your life and do what makes you happy!! He’s clearly doing what makes him ‘happy’.

you’re too young to miss out. And I’m younger than you!

PermanentTemporary · 14/09/2026 23:15

I think I’d check out the legal position and plan to leave. For me a relationship where you’ve stopped having sex or any physical closeness and don’t have kids is over anyway. Also I don’t hang about if someone threatens my financial security. I’d want to know if he was gambling online and what the equity in your house actually looks like.

MaybeItWasMe · 14/09/2026 23:06

This sounds miserable but I think I’d give him another chance before leaving. Tell him exactly what has to change and how you feel - even though he’s not treating you well, you made vows to each other and owe him the chance to put things right. I think he also needs to see his GP as this sounds like depression.
As others have said, get a cleaner - money doesn’t seem to be an issue for you and this would be some practical help at least.

EvieBB · 14/09/2026 22:27

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/09/2026 21:09

You could try the 'soft separation' route. Stop cooking, washing etc for him and live your life, go out with friends etc. See how he reacts to that. Sounds like you're nothing but a housekeeper to him.
You say he's a high earner but runs up huge debts. What on earth is he spending it on if you don't go out or on holidays? You're far too young to put up with this shit.

Sorry, I haven't rtft but just asked exactly the same question lol

EvieBB · 14/09/2026 22:26

ThisTurquoiseCritic · 14/09/2026 10:37

DH and I have been married 12 years and together for 14. I'm 39 and he's 48. No kids. From the outside perspective we have a great life, he's a very high earner, and I want for nothing, however I feel like I've just been going through the motions for years now.

He works from home the majority of the time and I'm office based, yes he earns almost 4 times than me but every evening it's me who cooks, tidies up after him from the day whilst he lays on the sofa. I clean down the kitchen and finally sit down by 7, he will then go up to bed by 8 as he's tired and wants to read. Most evenings are spent by myself. He doesn't want to watch any TV with me, go for a dog walk (I do all the dog walks), or grab a drink at the pub or go out for dinner. He has suffered with anxiety for years and I know home is his comfort place. He's become incredibly insular whereas I want to go out and experience life. We haven't had a holiday abroad for 9 years, or even a holiday in this country for nearly 7 as he just doesn't seem fussed and when I do bring this up he will worry about the dog or work or they'll be some excuse as to why we can't go. The last holiday he was on his phone the entire time working anyway. There's so much I want to do and experience, go to London to the sights, see a show, go on city breaks, try new restaurants, just live life! I just feel as the years have gone by we have drifted apart massively and want different things now.

I tried speaking to him about this last Summer...things changed for a month or so and then went back to normal....he agreed to go on a holiday because it's important to me this year, but I know he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't see the issue in this because he's making the effort to go. Maybe that's unkind of me and maybe I've just clocked out of the marriage now. He still is incredibly lazy at home, doesn't suggest doing anything and goes up to bed early. He has never really cooked me a meal, ever. If he does it will be a ready meal. Also, intimacy is another bone of contention, we haven't had sex for nearly 4 years. He says he's shy?

I think I know my answer but I'm scared. I could afford a one bed flat in my area due to equity in the house but I know all our friends and family are going to be so shocked and not understand. He also has a long standing history of racking up debt which I have helped him pay off on a number of occasions, but he still spends like it's going out of fashion. This gives me such bad anxiety, every day something will turn up at the house and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

I need to leave him don't I?

Sorry OP, I'm not surprised you're feeling miserable if he won't go out places with you or on holiday, or even for a walk/watch TV. It's like you're two housemates instead of a couple :(
I'm wondering if you've no kids and don't go places and he's a high earner, how on earth does he rack up debts? What does he spend his money on??

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/09/2026 21:09

You could try the 'soft separation' route. Stop cooking, washing etc for him and live your life, go out with friends etc. See how he reacts to that. Sounds like you're nothing but a housekeeper to him.
You say he's a high earner but runs up huge debts. What on earth is he spending it on if you don't go out or on holidays? You're far too young to put up with this shit.

SuePerblybuilt · 14/09/2026 20:13

No kids, no sex, no question: I’d be off like a scalded rat.

user1464187087 · 14/09/2026 20:04

ThisTurquoiseCritic · 14/09/2026 10:37

DH and I have been married 12 years and together for 14. I'm 39 and he's 48. No kids. From the outside perspective we have a great life, he's a very high earner, and I want for nothing, however I feel like I've just been going through the motions for years now.

He works from home the majority of the time and I'm office based, yes he earns almost 4 times than me but every evening it's me who cooks, tidies up after him from the day whilst he lays on the sofa. I clean down the kitchen and finally sit down by 7, he will then go up to bed by 8 as he's tired and wants to read. Most evenings are spent by myself. He doesn't want to watch any TV with me, go for a dog walk (I do all the dog walks), or grab a drink at the pub or go out for dinner. He has suffered with anxiety for years and I know home is his comfort place. He's become incredibly insular whereas I want to go out and experience life. We haven't had a holiday abroad for 9 years, or even a holiday in this country for nearly 7 as he just doesn't seem fussed and when I do bring this up he will worry about the dog or work or they'll be some excuse as to why we can't go. The last holiday he was on his phone the entire time working anyway. There's so much I want to do and experience, go to London to the sights, see a show, go on city breaks, try new restaurants, just live life! I just feel as the years have gone by we have drifted apart massively and want different things now.

I tried speaking to him about this last Summer...things changed for a month or so and then went back to normal....he agreed to go on a holiday because it's important to me this year, but I know he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't see the issue in this because he's making the effort to go. Maybe that's unkind of me and maybe I've just clocked out of the marriage now. He still is incredibly lazy at home, doesn't suggest doing anything and goes up to bed early. He has never really cooked me a meal, ever. If he does it will be a ready meal. Also, intimacy is another bone of contention, we haven't had sex for nearly 4 years. He says he's shy?

I think I know my answer but I'm scared. I could afford a one bed flat in my area due to equity in the house but I know all our friends and family are going to be so shocked and not understand. He also has a long standing history of racking up debt which I have helped him pay off on a number of occasions, but he still spends like it's going out of fashion. This gives me such bad anxiety, every day something will turn up at the house and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

I need to leave him don't I?

How does he rack up debt? All he does is work in a well paid job.

Capillaryaction · 14/09/2026 19:57

On the other hand, you could accept he is a homebody and develop other friends you can go out with?
A spouse is not the be all and the end all of social relationships. Maybe you need to join a group of women who also want to travel and do stuff.

Dumbledore167 · 14/09/2026 19:53

Yeah, rip the plaster off - life is too short.

You have a flatmate who doesn’t want to spend time with you (sorry).

As an aside… he sounds like he’s on £150k plus a year? No kids, no holidays, normal
house. How the hell is he getting into debt?!

Ifeelold48 · 14/09/2026 19:48

You are done. Your life sounds bloody miserable, boring and lonely. You need to leave and make a life you want to live. He's not going to suddenly become more dynamic.

Newyearawaits · 14/09/2026 19:39

A very open frank conversation with your husband is required OP.
You have been together a long time.
In the meantime, book a weekend away with a friend ot a trip to the theatre.
That may dilute the enormity of what you are feeling right now.

dreamingofgoodhair · 14/09/2026 15:01

MeridaBrave · 14/09/2026 10:41

I mean get a cleaner if you don’t want to clean.

I’d set out some non negotiables

cleaner
annual holidays
sex - agree how often

otherwise leave him…

I agree leave him. However if a man said to a woman ‘sex is non negotiable’ he’d be accused of abuse.

FloofyKat · 14/09/2026 14:59

Please don’t see a potential split through the prism of what family and friends might think. That’s neither here nor there. They aren’t married to this man. They have literally no idea what you are experiencing.

The key focus for you should be things like are you happy? Is there any realistic likelihood of him changing? Do you want to carve out a life for yourself while still being under the same roof? What could life look like for you if you separated?

In the short term I think you need to communicate with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, what you have told us. Tell him this isn’t sustainable for you. Remind him that you’ve spoken about this before, but that nothing has changed. For me, this would be make or break time.

I would also underline the equalities of your living arrangements / house management. Tell him you won’t be cleaning, cooking, washing etc for him any more. Tell him it’s time he made the effort to be a proper partner. That if he doesn’t want to then the relationship will end.

Work out an idea of finances, what you might get in a split (don’t forget pensions, any personal savings he might have, shares and so on), if there are any benefits etc hou might be entitled to. If you do decide it’s time to forge your own path (and who would blame you) then take that step with your eyes open so you’re ready!