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Original poster

AIBU to want to leave my husband after 14 years together

38 replies

ThisTurquoiseCritic · 14/09/2026 10:37

DH and I have been married 12 years and together for 14. I'm 39 and he's 48. No kids. From the outside perspective we have a great life, he's a very high earner, and I want for nothing, however I feel like I've just been going through the motions for years now.

He works from home the majority of the time and I'm office based, yes he earns almost 4 times than me but every evening it's me who cooks, tidies up after him from the day whilst he lays on the sofa. I clean down the kitchen and finally sit down by 7, he will then go up to bed by 8 as he's tired and wants to read. Most evenings are spent by myself. He doesn't want to watch any TV with me, go for a dog walk (I do all the dog walks), or grab a drink at the pub or go out for dinner. He has suffered with anxiety for years and I know home is his comfort place. He's become incredibly insular whereas I want to go out and experience life. We haven't had a holiday abroad for 9 years, or even a holiday in this country for nearly 7 as he just doesn't seem fussed and when I do bring this up he will worry about the dog or work or they'll be some excuse as to why we can't go. The last holiday he was on his phone the entire time working anyway. There's so much I want to do and experience, go to London to the sights, see a show, go on city breaks, try new restaurants, just live life! I just feel as the years have gone by we have drifted apart massively and want different things now.

I tried speaking to him about this last Summer...things changed for a month or so and then went back to normal....he agreed to go on a holiday because it's important to me this year, but I know he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't see the issue in this because he's making the effort to go. Maybe that's unkind of me and maybe I've just clocked out of the marriage now. He still is incredibly lazy at home, doesn't suggest doing anything and goes up to bed early. He has never really cooked me a meal, ever. If he does it will be a ready meal. Also, intimacy is another bone of contention, we haven't had sex for nearly 4 years. He says he's shy?

I think I know my answer but I'm scared. I could afford a one bed flat in my area due to equity in the house but I know all our friends and family are going to be so shocked and not understand. He also has a long standing history of racking up debt which I have helped him pay off on a number of occasions, but he still spends like it's going out of fashion. This gives me such bad anxiety, every day something will turn up at the house and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

I need to leave him don't I?

OP posts:
NChannnnge · 14/09/2026 10:39

You do, or just leave the house and go and live your life and stop waiting for him!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2026 10:39

Yes. Go live a full and happy life.

OriginalSkang · 14/09/2026 10:41

I'm not sure how he can say he's shy... presumably you have done it together before?

MeridaBrave · 14/09/2026 10:41

I mean get a cleaner if you don’t want to clean.

I’d set out some non negotiables

cleaner
annual holidays
sex - agree how often

otherwise leave him…

cheezncrackers · 14/09/2026 10:42

Yes, you either need to leave or just build a life for yourself away from him. How would he feel, do you think, if you started to do things without him, including going on holiday with friends? Would he be okay with that? Would you be okay with that or do you want a partner who you can do stuff with? If the latter, yes you need to leave.

Debbi62 · 14/09/2026 10:45

You're young to be living this life, if you're not happy. I left my first marriage around your age. I stayed single for a while until i met my second husband . He's not perfect , but i am happier

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/09/2026 10:45

Maybe you could do a 'soft separation'? One where you gradually pull back further and do more and more things on your own, so that when you finally tell him that you don't really consider you have a marriage any more it isn't a total surprise to him and he's already entrenched in his 'I'll just sit here and she can go out' position.

Mmhmmn · 14/09/2026 10:49

You are his domestic servant basically. It’s not at all unreasonable that you want out of that.

JustMeSimply · 14/09/2026 10:54

Living with bad anxiety is not fun and I totally get the not leaving home much, I rarely ever go out because it's so overwhelming. However my dh is more than happy to go away on his own or with friends etc or days out when not working and I have no problems with that either. However the not helping at home can't you chat about it that bit isn't fair

Pinkflamingo10 · 14/09/2026 11:11

Get a cleaner.
start going on nights out and holidays with your friends and family. Stop waiting for him.
perhaps when he sees you out enjoying life he’ll want to get involved?
Are you wanting children ? If so then the no sex is a big problem, and may drive you to find someone else to start a family with. If you don’t want children then you have more time to decide what you want with your life. If you can live with a lack of intimacy or is it a deal-breaker.

whippersnapper55 · 14/09/2026 11:16

It sounds like you're incompatible and want different things in life. Of course you should leave if you're unhappy! Don't worry about what family or friends think - it's not their life, it's yours and you only get one!

If he's happy with his boring little life then leave him to it. He doesn't seem to want to spend time with you, if he's taking himself off to bed at 8pm. You're basically his domestic servant at this point! And what on earth is he spending on excessively if he never goes anywhere or does anything?!

Start planning your exit and adventures in the future!

Catza · 14/09/2026 14:08

Your friends and family are not the ones who live with him, so them being shocked is neither here nor there. They will get over it. What else are you scared of?

RefundOrNot · 14/09/2026 14:14

Do the things! Go on holiday with your friends or alone. Go out in the evenings, join clubs, have a pint in the pub. Leave him to look after the dog.

If you’re out then he will have to cook for himself and tidy up afterwards.

Leaving him will take time and effort and expense and ultimately you probably need to if you’ve grown apart but the short term solution is just do what makes you happy.

FloofyKat · 14/09/2026 14:59

Please don’t see a potential split through the prism of what family and friends might think. That’s neither here nor there. They aren’t married to this man. They have literally no idea what you are experiencing.

The key focus for you should be things like are you happy? Is there any realistic likelihood of him changing? Do you want to carve out a life for yourself while still being under the same roof? What could life look like for you if you separated?

In the short term I think you need to communicate with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, what you have told us. Tell him this isn’t sustainable for you. Remind him that you’ve spoken about this before, but that nothing has changed. For me, this would be make or break time.

I would also underline the equalities of your living arrangements / house management. Tell him you won’t be cleaning, cooking, washing etc for him any more. Tell him it’s time he made the effort to be a proper partner. That if he doesn’t want to then the relationship will end.

Work out an idea of finances, what you might get in a split (don’t forget pensions, any personal savings he might have, shares and so on), if there are any benefits etc hou might be entitled to. If you do decide it’s time to forge your own path (and who would blame you) then take that step with your eyes open so you’re ready!

dreamingofgoodhair · 14/09/2026 15:01

MeridaBrave · 14/09/2026 10:41

I mean get a cleaner if you don’t want to clean.

I’d set out some non negotiables

cleaner
annual holidays
sex - agree how often

otherwise leave him…

I agree leave him. However if a man said to a woman ‘sex is non negotiable’ he’d be accused of abuse.

Newyearawaits · 14/09/2026 19:39

A very open frank conversation with your husband is required OP.
You have been together a long time.
In the meantime, book a weekend away with a friend ot a trip to the theatre.
That may dilute the enormity of what you are feeling right now.

Ifeelold48 · 14/09/2026 19:48

You are done. Your life sounds bloody miserable, boring and lonely. You need to leave and make a life you want to live. He's not going to suddenly become more dynamic.

Dumbledore167 · 14/09/2026 19:53

Yeah, rip the plaster off - life is too short.

You have a flatmate who doesn’t want to spend time with you (sorry).

As an aside… he sounds like he’s on £150k plus a year? No kids, no holidays, normal
house. How the hell is he getting into debt?!

Capillaryaction · 14/09/2026 19:57

On the other hand, you could accept he is a homebody and develop other friends you can go out with?
A spouse is not the be all and the end all of social relationships. Maybe you need to join a group of women who also want to travel and do stuff.

user1464187087 · 14/09/2026 20:04

ThisTurquoiseCritic · 14/09/2026 10:37

DH and I have been married 12 years and together for 14. I'm 39 and he's 48. No kids. From the outside perspective we have a great life, he's a very high earner, and I want for nothing, however I feel like I've just been going through the motions for years now.

He works from home the majority of the time and I'm office based, yes he earns almost 4 times than me but every evening it's me who cooks, tidies up after him from the day whilst he lays on the sofa. I clean down the kitchen and finally sit down by 7, he will then go up to bed by 8 as he's tired and wants to read. Most evenings are spent by myself. He doesn't want to watch any TV with me, go for a dog walk (I do all the dog walks), or grab a drink at the pub or go out for dinner. He has suffered with anxiety for years and I know home is his comfort place. He's become incredibly insular whereas I want to go out and experience life. We haven't had a holiday abroad for 9 years, or even a holiday in this country for nearly 7 as he just doesn't seem fussed and when I do bring this up he will worry about the dog or work or they'll be some excuse as to why we can't go. The last holiday he was on his phone the entire time working anyway. There's so much I want to do and experience, go to London to the sights, see a show, go on city breaks, try new restaurants, just live life! I just feel as the years have gone by we have drifted apart massively and want different things now.

I tried speaking to him about this last Summer...things changed for a month or so and then went back to normal....he agreed to go on a holiday because it's important to me this year, but I know he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't see the issue in this because he's making the effort to go. Maybe that's unkind of me and maybe I've just clocked out of the marriage now. He still is incredibly lazy at home, doesn't suggest doing anything and goes up to bed early. He has never really cooked me a meal, ever. If he does it will be a ready meal. Also, intimacy is another bone of contention, we haven't had sex for nearly 4 years. He says he's shy?

I think I know my answer but I'm scared. I could afford a one bed flat in my area due to equity in the house but I know all our friends and family are going to be so shocked and not understand. He also has a long standing history of racking up debt which I have helped him pay off on a number of occasions, but he still spends like it's going out of fashion. This gives me such bad anxiety, every day something will turn up at the house and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

I need to leave him don't I?

How does he rack up debt? All he does is work in a well paid job.

SuePerblybuilt · 14/09/2026 20:13

No kids, no sex, no question: I’d be off like a scalded rat.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/09/2026 21:09

You could try the 'soft separation' route. Stop cooking, washing etc for him and live your life, go out with friends etc. See how he reacts to that. Sounds like you're nothing but a housekeeper to him.
You say he's a high earner but runs up huge debts. What on earth is he spending it on if you don't go out or on holidays? You're far too young to put up with this shit.

EvieBB · 14/09/2026 22:26

ThisTurquoiseCritic · 14/09/2026 10:37

DH and I have been married 12 years and together for 14. I'm 39 and he's 48. No kids. From the outside perspective we have a great life, he's a very high earner, and I want for nothing, however I feel like I've just been going through the motions for years now.

He works from home the majority of the time and I'm office based, yes he earns almost 4 times than me but every evening it's me who cooks, tidies up after him from the day whilst he lays on the sofa. I clean down the kitchen and finally sit down by 7, he will then go up to bed by 8 as he's tired and wants to read. Most evenings are spent by myself. He doesn't want to watch any TV with me, go for a dog walk (I do all the dog walks), or grab a drink at the pub or go out for dinner. He has suffered with anxiety for years and I know home is his comfort place. He's become incredibly insular whereas I want to go out and experience life. We haven't had a holiday abroad for 9 years, or even a holiday in this country for nearly 7 as he just doesn't seem fussed and when I do bring this up he will worry about the dog or work or they'll be some excuse as to why we can't go. The last holiday he was on his phone the entire time working anyway. There's so much I want to do and experience, go to London to the sights, see a show, go on city breaks, try new restaurants, just live life! I just feel as the years have gone by we have drifted apart massively and want different things now.

I tried speaking to him about this last Summer...things changed for a month or so and then went back to normal....he agreed to go on a holiday because it's important to me this year, but I know he doesn't really want to be there. He doesn't see the issue in this because he's making the effort to go. Maybe that's unkind of me and maybe I've just clocked out of the marriage now. He still is incredibly lazy at home, doesn't suggest doing anything and goes up to bed early. He has never really cooked me a meal, ever. If he does it will be a ready meal. Also, intimacy is another bone of contention, we haven't had sex for nearly 4 years. He says he's shy?

I think I know my answer but I'm scared. I could afford a one bed flat in my area due to equity in the house but I know all our friends and family are going to be so shocked and not understand. He also has a long standing history of racking up debt which I have helped him pay off on a number of occasions, but he still spends like it's going out of fashion. This gives me such bad anxiety, every day something will turn up at the house and I tell him to stop, but he doesn't.

I need to leave him don't I?

Sorry OP, I'm not surprised you're feeling miserable if he won't go out places with you or on holiday, or even for a walk/watch TV. It's like you're two housemates instead of a couple :(
I'm wondering if you've no kids and don't go places and he's a high earner, how on earth does he rack up debts? What does he spend his money on??

EvieBB · 14/09/2026 22:27

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/09/2026 21:09

You could try the 'soft separation' route. Stop cooking, washing etc for him and live your life, go out with friends etc. See how he reacts to that. Sounds like you're nothing but a housekeeper to him.
You say he's a high earner but runs up huge debts. What on earth is he spending it on if you don't go out or on holidays? You're far too young to put up with this shit.

Sorry, I haven't rtft but just asked exactly the same question lol

MaybeItWasMe · 14/09/2026 23:06

This sounds miserable but I think I’d give him another chance before leaving. Tell him exactly what has to change and how you feel - even though he’s not treating you well, you made vows to each other and owe him the chance to put things right. I think he also needs to see his GP as this sounds like depression.
As others have said, get a cleaner - money doesn’t seem to be an issue for you and this would be some practical help at least.

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