AIBU to think this is the beginning of the end for my mum?

Grief takes time to process, more time than you ever imagine. Your mum is early on in a brutal bereavement. Grief is chaos, nothing in your mum’s life is the same as it was.

I am a few years on from you. My parents also together for the same time as yours, did everything together, then dad died. We are three years on from it and only now are my mum’s feet are starting to touch the ground again.

The biggest mistake I made was trying to force too much change on her when she’d just gone through the most traumatic change possible. I also suggested she moved home. I heavily encouraged her to sign up to all sorts of social groups to widen her circle. I tried to get her to learn how to do things that my dad had always done. Tried to keep her busy, take her mind off things. Tried to get her to do xyz. She simply couldn’t cope and now looking back I’m consumed with guilt about how I was during that time. I was trying to get her to live what I thought was a better single life, and all she wanted to do was just be sad, overwhelmingly sad. She had lost the person who was her whole life.

Now, three years on, she has shown interest in joining some social groups and it’s going better this time because the idea was hers and she has some enthusiasm for it. I’m sure other life adjustments will follow. But I’ve learned to offer practical help when I see a need, suggest ideas in a balanced way, let her ask for help when she is ready, let her have agency in her own life.

When I was having some grief counselling myself, the counsellor said to me, ‘be a guiding light not a forceful hand’.

I think some of your points you are being unreasonable

converting a 80 year old to online shopping is never going to happen but going out shopping
could you do online shopping once a month for things like tinned stuff , frozen and cleaning products then she just needs to get dress stuff

has she got a bus pass?

in all honesty would you want to start driving again at 80
but whilst she on a bus or a train it’s killing time and filling the day
get her to batch cook and freeze individual portions again this will kill time

That's a lovely post

They were both 78 when dad died, and mum now 81.

I don't think it's been very long at all particularly as it was a shock so no time to mentally prepare and probably quite traumatic. It must have been just over a year. People say not to make any big decisions in the first year after a major stressful life event, and I think it will maybe take a bit longer in her case. I think it's normal to still be crying etc after 14 or so months. Maybe see if she would do some sort of telephone bereavement counselling?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your mother is 80, has never lived independently as an adult, didn't drive, and is grieving the loss of her husband of over half a century.

Gently, I think your expectations are a bit unreasonable. She's not likely going to be learning to drive at 80 and a move from a home she's lived in for decades is going to be tough. It's fine to try, but might not be doable now. Ask her if you can do the online shopping, if you have funds get a cleaning lady in every so often. She could probably use some grief counseling. I get you're busy with your family, but if you can bring up the idea of lightening the house load by having less stuff, she might be open to it and it would make daily living and a potential move easier. A couple days there to help her with that might help. I'm in the moving process and my eldest came up to help. I sent her back with the things she wanted and it's just less stuff to deal with and maybe talk to her about that.

As others have said deep grief is a brutal thing. In grief for 99% of people, more change is the last thing you need so my advice is

-assume that she will be in a bad way bereavement wise for at least 2 - 3 years post the death. Don't EVER hassle her or say things like "you should be over it now" or behave in any way that leaks or conveys that sense whether by a sigh or a huff because all grief is different and it takes as long as it takes. Anything like that (direct or behavioural indirect suggestion of irritation with the length of grief) implies there is something wrong with the person who is raw and can't deal with criticism from a loved one.

-spend as much time with her as you can.

-remember that all grief is different because everyone is different, cope differently and their relationship with the deceased was different. you have the distraction of caring for young children. she does not have that. she is alone and carrying a heavy weight. Can she stay with you at all from time to time? Company with a daughter and gc she loves may help her a little bit.

-accept she wont' "help herself" in your words because she is deep in grief, probably doesn't even want to be alive tomorrow let alone next week, so will be exhausted whilst in that state and just will have no interest or energy to 'help herself'. don't pressurize her to do anything that involves work, energy or change.

-something that may help when she is ready is going to a bereavement group. I would really recommend https://www.thebereavementjourney.org/ run by https://www.ataloss.org/

It is an 8 week in person course where you see a short film each week and then have a discussion group. Part of the benefit is that it puts you in contact with people in exactly the same situation as you are, who feel just as bleak about life and the future and there is a great comfort in that. It is a supportive environment. You may also find local support groups for widows but I'd start with the bereavement journey because it is excellent and really well structured.

They are run all round the country and you should be able to find one near your mother. You do need to be long enough post-death to be able to discuss it. A year should be ok but 3 months or less may be not long enough.

If she can get through the first 2- 3 years, it will get better and she will get better but it is a slow process. Not to freak you out, but it is very common for a surviving partner of a life marriage to die within 18 months of the loss - you know all that stuff about 'dying of a broken heart' - so focus on just a day at a time and getting her through that initial period.

there all the same lol
my mum will use taxis now it’s taken 3 years and I’m sure the turning point for this was her friends do
if driving is a definite no get rid of the car work out the running costs and then divide it by 12 and tell her that’s how much she can spend on taxis without being any worse off

hopefully she’ll get there my mum took a good while the thing was her entire day /life and purpose was framed round looking after and caring for my dad when he died she lost all that purpose and structure in her life

Bring her to see her own GP, she sounds depressed. Anti-depressants and counselling may help.
my elderly parents live 2hr drive from me, when they come to visit, it’s too much for them to drive 2hrs again the same day -so they always spend a night or two in my house. I converted a ground floor room into an accessible bedroom for them so they can visit me in comfort.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your mum no doubt feels completely lost without him. Being so emeshed with your dad will no doubt make things so much harder for her. I wonder if meeting her half way on things might be empowering for her but not overwhelming. So next time you are there "mum I know you said no to an Internet food shop but what about if I order a large food shop such as tins, washing powder etc when I'm at yours. I'll do it with you and then when you go on the bus you only need to bring the light things back with you?". You aren't forcing her into a decision but are offering practical help. Likewise with having to drop her home, suggest she stays a night so you can drop her back at a more convenient time the next day.

My mum died about 18 months ago. My dad was her carer for probably the last 5 years of her life, although it wasn't round the clock care or anything. Since she died I don't recognise him. He's so quiet, doesn't eat much, doesn't sleep much, although he is much better when the grandchildren are around.
My parents were much like yours. They knew people locally but they were always together. It's a massive shock when they die and it can take years to get over it. It's still very new for your mum and tbh if she's 80 I can understand why she doesn't want to drive or change her shopping habits. It's probably also partly to do with holding on to the life she had with your dad.
Your mum might come through it. If there's nothing physically wrong she might live for several more years. There's no way of telling. I didn't think my dad would still be going but he is.
I know you are worrying about your mum but don't forget to look after yourself too.

My mum is a bit similar, but it's a slow decline. My DM is 90 and my dad died in 2017. They were just short of their 60th anniversary.

My DM will take taxis and is well known by her local company. However, her only trips are a weekly one to the supermarket and a fortnightly one to the hairdresser. Other than that she whiles her time away indoors, complains of loneliness, but has not kept contact with friends they had before my dad's death. Her world is getting much smaller and she seems smaller and thinner every time I see her, which is at least once per week. Sometimes more. Although she was quite independent when dad was alive, she seems to have lost her purpose now he's gone.

I do understand OP - you want to help and so you are full of solutions on how things could be better for your Mum and then feel frustrated when these are rejected or turned aside.

as others have said, it is brutal to lose a life partner of so many years. My Dad has not been the same after my Mum died 18 years ago, he was devastated as it was unexpected and they had been together since they were 16.

try just reflecting back to your Mum when you listen to her rather than trying to solution - I know it’s hard when you just want things to be better for them - let her lean on you for comfort as she moves through her grief - sometimes people just want their feelings to be heard.

It's only been a year. My father survived my mother by eleven years, he never got over it. They'd known each other since they were teenagers and mother died in her 80th year.

Your poor mother. She won't want to do anything new. She won't want to leave all those memories behind. Have some compassion for her, please.

@Attheendofthestormisagoldensky

She was with your Dad for 60 years, her whole adult life and identity was anchored by their relationship, then she lost him so suddenly.

She's just had the first anniversary of his death recently too.

Of course she is trying to re-capture all the things she did with him, with her friends, it brings her comfort, can you see?

Give her all the time she needs and let her grieve, to her timescale @Attheendofthestormisagoldensky.

I know he was your Dad and you're grieving too but you have a young family and your partner for distraction.

You may find this site useful.

I think it is hard to imagine spending 60 years with one person. The last 15 years or so, since retirement, they probably spent 24/7 together. For that person to no longer be there is unimaginable. I have a friend who was widowed after 50 years a couple of years ago. She always did things separately and is active and independent, but she misses him so much.

Re the driving, I really do not think it is a good idea to encourage an 80 year old to start driving. Your reflexes are slower and eye sight and hearing not so good. Taxis and buses are much better.

Is she good at tech? If so, show her how to do a supermarket order for dried goods, cleaning products and toiletries. She can then buy fresh stuff in person. Otherwise, ask her for a list and you order for her.

Bereavement counselling can be helpful. Cruse offers it, as well as many hospices. There are often local drop in bereavement groups and some widows make friends there.

She's lost her person, it's still early days and she's still grieving. Stop trying to 'fix' how she feels and just offer her empathy, it is sad, she is lonely, it is hard to adjust to life without your significant other.

Bring her to see her own GP, she sounds depressed. Anti-depressants

She is not clinically depressed. She is GRIEVING. If you see a GP, anti-depressants are the first thing they reach for because they have no idea what else to do and are scared they may have a suicide to account for.

For most bereaved people this is really unhelpful and actively damaging because anti-depressants won't help. The problem is her husband is dead and is not returning. She knows there is no solution. Tablets won't solve that.

In many cases anti-depressants will make the problem worse for lots of reasons including unwanted side effects, potential addiction, emotional numbing and not actually dealing with the grief which involves (horribly and sadly) facing up the grief, crying when you want to (it releases chemicals) and just getting through it a day at a time.

This is a huge social problem to try to sweep grief under the 'you are depressed' rug because it uncomfortable to be faced with a grieving person where you know the only real solution is time (and it isn't a cure but about moving to a point of coping and having the odd moment of joy gradually increasing to more moments of joy).

Anti-depressants should be an absolute last resort for most grieving people IMO.

I heard someone bereaved after a long marriage say 'you become like one person. it is like half of me is actually missing'. This is pain that anyone who has not experienced it cannot understand anymore than you can ever really understand anyone else's grief at all.

@Attheendofthestormisagoldensky I am sorry for your loss too because you have lost your father which is one of the most significant life bereavements. Watch out that you are not looking after yourself properly and processing your own grief whether because you are focused on supporting your mother or looking after your children.You are grieving too so don't forget yourself.

One more thing - if you have that sort of relationship with her and she would be receptive, do be free with hugs and physical contact whenever you see her because that is one of the hardest things I think in this sort of loss situation. Give her a long bear hug and don't pull away until she does may be very welcome.

Not everyone is a hugger of course and not everyone would like this; not everyone has a tactile personality and this would not work in every child/mother relationship - very much depends on individuals. For people who are missing a life partner and who like a hug, it can be a warm and supportive action.

It has crossed my mind but given what I’ve just said it makes me wonder if (for me) it’s appropriate

Why wouldn't grief counseling be appropriate for you? Everyone is different but I found grief counseling very helpful and I am cynic who starting off thinking every kind of talking therapy was a load of rubbish. It's possible I was just lucky and found a good counselor but I think one of the benefits is having someone just listening to you when you are worried you are boring all your friends or bringing them down with your own grief, who will tell you that whatever crazy thing you do in your sadness is a sign you are losing it is normal and has a reason behind it, and a time to just centred and concentrate on your own pain and loss.

When you are dealing with elderly parents with decades of life together, it is known that there is a real risk that the second one may die shortly after (broken heart loss I mentioned above) as well as the normal risk of death anyway as one ages. If you have two deaths one after each other, the second will be harder to cope with if you haven't properly processed the first. That is not intended to be a voice of doom and gloom or to upset you but to persuade you that grief counseling and some dedicated help for you to deal with your father's death now and your own grief may not be a bad thing. In fact it is something your future self may thank you for.