AIBU to think this is the beginning of the end for my mum?

Your comment isn't very helpful to the OP. They are asking for advice about their elderly mother. Grief isn't a competition! Also, life is progressively difficult when you are elderly. Losing your life partner and suddenly being alone in your house, possibly frightened and not able to look after yourself (on top of the grief) should not be underestimated.

Well yes, we know that, but it doesn't mean the OP isn't allowed to have grief counselling, which is what my hierarchy of grief comment referred to.

Sorry for your loss

I would suggest looking at local groups that your DM can join where she lives. There are several where I live, with people in their late 90s. Groups such as

WI
Gardening
Exercise
Nature
Walking
Art & craft
Fund raising
Volunteering
Dog, cat sitting
Church
Singing
Reading to children at schools
Music
Litter pick
Library
Lots of opportunities

Completely agree. For me, I feel truly lucky that I had my dad for 48 years of my life. He got to see me happily married for 22 years, got to see his grandkids become young men, got a long and fun retirement and then die before he became properly elderly (which he always hated the idea of!). I am sad about losing him but im not devastated like I would be if i lost my child or husband.

My dad died this summer. He had cancer for two years but was really only properly ill at the end. They were even in the Caribbean in March. Mum and dad are/were also 80.
Mum did have time to prepare and she has cultivated friends in their village - luckily they have lived there for 40 years and there are also quite a few widows there too.
She has had to do a lot of stuff that dad did before but she says she gets a kick out of figuring stuff out like taking garden stuff to the tip or taking her car to be serviced. She says it would be easy to give up but she’s healthy and might have many good years left and wants to make the most of them.
She was saying yesterday she wants to go to Ireland next year as dad never fancied it (he always liked a sunny holiday!)!

So it is definitely possible to learn and do new things but she has also said it would have been a lot harder if it had been sudden.

I think there will still be tough times ahead but she chats away to “him” and reminds herself that he was very ill at the end, how hard that was for both of them and how he wouldn’t have wanted to be about like that. But she said the end is beginning to fade and although that’s good, in some ways it’s harder as you miss the person they always were.

Basically, it’s utterly shit to lose your life partner, especially at an age where you might feel like the modern world is not set up for you.

Sorry to de-rail, but when you have lost a teenage child, you know there is really is a hierarchy of grief!

Sad as this thread is, it’s completely natural and expected to lose your elderly parents.

Losing a child with their whole life ahead of them and the lifelong grief this leaves their family with is definitely not natural.

@Attheendofthestormisagoldensky re driving, my Dad definitely lost his confidence after mum died, she used to navigate, he drove, and he cannot for the life of him learn how to use sat nav - it's just one step too far. So, he drives routes he's familiar with, but anything new and we tend to drive with him/for him.

He avoids driving at night, he gets a bit disoriented with the bright lights (though he has just had cataracts ops on both eyes) so in the darker months we have a monthly Sunday roast with whoever's around (my sibling and partner, grown up kids and partners etc) at his house so he can enjoy getting together but not be worried about driving. Things have changed now mum's not here, but new routines, new habits can be quite empowering and comforting.

My experience is that the first couple of years were about treading water, then things shifted a little...

My nan is the exact same, grandad died just over 2 years ago and behaves like your mum. We thought she would of gone within the year... but nope she's fine. Got her into some church groups and convinced her to drive round just the local area. Still a nightmare though rings up saying shes not seen anyone but she's out every day!

My dad died very unexpectedly when he and mum were both 62. It was a horrible shock to everyone, and I think mum sat and looked at her life, and decided she still had a lot of life left in her. It's now very nearly 9 years since he died, and it's been the making of her. She has a better social life than anyone I know. But I do worry about her. She's 71 now, and after a hospital stay earlier in the summer, is definitely looking "old" now. She just last week announced to me that she's thinking of moving somewhere smaller next year. I'm glad about that.

But all that being said, they went the right way round. Dad would not have coped if mum had gone first. He'd have really, really struggled. I think he'd have followed her not very long after.

I think this is wise advice

Best not to push your Mum to make changes that she doesn't wish to make

A few things then… re the internet shopping, yes I could do it for her, no problem, the issue is getting her to agree to the concept (even for basics/ heavy things). She is also (no criticism just being fair) very disorganised (always has been) so she will say on a Monday if I am there that she needs absolutely nothing then tells me what she has struggled to carry on the bus on a Tuesday because she realised Tuesday morning she actually needed x, y and z…

Would a shared shopping list work? Where she or you could add do it if she runs low on something?

Maybe on WhatsApp or Alexa?

The thread won’t vanish, it will remain her forever unless you ask for it to be deleted as a special request.

@Attheendofthestormisagoldensky I'm sorry for your loss, hope you're looking after yourself, it's a very tricky time after a parent dies.

My situation's similar, but it's mum who died and dad who's struggling. Mum died unexpectedly two years ago - a brain tumour out of the blue, 6 weeks after diagnosis, she'd gone. They'd been married nearly 60 years, mum was the energy in their relationship, they were equals in many ways but she did the finances, the planning, the social calendar, house admin etc. It's taken Dad, 82, two years to even begin thinking about how life looks without his love.

My insights, after much soul-searching, grief counselling and support from friends and family? I can't 'fix' Dad's intense grief. I can't make him go to groups or join in if he doesn't want to. I can't be mum's replacement. But I can listen, check in, gently encourage him to go out more, help him with practical tasks, keep talking to him, let him know he's loved and safe and he can lean on us.

Just recently - after 2 years - he's started attending a small social group in his village, and a board games afternoon in the library. I also need to remember he's doing better than I think he is, if that makes sense? He's still driving, he's shopping for food and keeping on top of the housework - these are big wins really, for his age and the grief he's experiencing.

I guess what I'm saying is, give it time. I try not to push Dad now, I support where I can, I try not to confuse my own needs (because we're grieving too!) with my Dad's. I try to meet him where he is, rather than where I think he should be.

Take care, hope things feel easier soon.

@AttheendofthestormisagoldenskyThe reality is she will grieve forever. It's her husband. The man she spent 80% of her life with. The man she chose.

I was widowed at 56. I struggled to move forward. If anything as a warning, the second year is harder than the first. It becomes so real after the first year.

My late husband been gone 8 years now. I still grieve. Obviously it's not like the first few years. I've learnt to wear the coat of grief like a limp. It's part of me.

For your mom at her age it will be much harder to move forward. There are days when I still struggle.

Be gentle with her, give her time, ensuring you don't foresake your own life too..

It's a tricky balance. I wish you all well

'Elderly people' are not a homogeneous bunch though. It's wonderful to see an old person learning new skills but many get ill and reach a point when even familiar skills are lost.

She is much too old to return safely to driving, BTW.

Your mum has quite recently had a catastrophic bereavement and may take years to recover. And she is old so emotionally more fragile. Don't expect too much from her by way of change, but stay in touch and see her as much as you can manage in your own difficult circumstances. You can explain kindly what works for you and avoid anything too pressurising.

I’m sure you’re trying to help but you need to take a step back and realise she’s grieving. Not many 80 year olds fancy relocating and taking refresher driving lessons. She’s just lost her soul mate.

I'm amazed that you want an 80 year old to take refresher driving lessons. At that age, many people are giving up driving, not restarting. I think you're expecting far too much from your Mum. We often don't see the age of our parents like other people as it's hard to accept that they are aging.

Unfortunately your Mum is likely to lose the skills and mobility that she currently has rather than acquiring new skills.

I'm a full-time carer for my mother who is her mid 80s. She was fantastic for her age up until a couple of years when she became ill. She was the last person I expected to need care and was actually doing lots of things to make my life easier. At this age, you never know what's round the corner.

I think online shopping is a good idea as she shouldn't be carrying heavy bags of shopping on the bus. Could you not do a weekly online shop together over the phone? I have ordered my Mum's shopping for years. She would tell me what she wanted and I would put the order through for her.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s understandable that your mum doesn’t feel confident to drive or shop online. Helping her with online shopping would be a relatively easy way to support her from a distance. Would she eat at the expensive restaurants alone, say at lunchtime? Could she stay in a hotel near you and travel home the following day?

No I think gets harder the older you get. And it's not just any change, it's being alone after not being alone for 60 years.

My dad died 3 years ago and it took 2 years for my mum to turn a corner with her grief. She improved a little but the last few months she's been quite depressed. She knows it and says it's just living alone and not having someone right there with her.

I live close and see her a couple of times a week. But it's not the same. She's not interested in anti depressants, she's had such a lot of health problems she can't bear any more doctors or tablets.

There's nothing else I can do to make her feel better.

Your poor mum and poor you. It must hard to know how to help. You said it is difficult getting her home on the train. Could she maybe stay for a night with you now and then? It would be company for her and solve the problem of getting her home.
Also wondering if there are any bereavement groups near to where she lives? She might find them helpful … I have a friend who says her bereavement group has made a huge difference to her.

Your poor mum. My Dad died aged 70, my mum was 65 at the time so still relatively young but it took her a couple of years to get over it and establish a new life as my dad had been her world.

She spent a lot of time with her DGCs, did some voluntary work and involved herself with gardening.

But your mum is older than my mum was and probably feels herself too old to
start afresh. Can she not come and spend some weekends with you so she’s not alone?