AIBU to expect people to respect a shy dog’s boundaries?

We have a nervous dog who can be reactive if strangers try to touch her. Thankfully she’s a barker not a biter but it’s not fair on her to be stressed out. She wears a bright yellow jacket that says ‘Nervous dog, give me space’ but there’s always some idiot that sees it as a personal challenge.

Why would people try and pet a dog that had a red lead/nervous on it? I also think there is some cultural differences in this too. I work with a lot of chinese students and their families and they dont seem to understand that its not safe to pet a dog unasked.

we had a lovely dog who we managed in the end to train to be so soft and lovely, but at first he could bite if he was scared. it was all a result of his awful abuse including never having been outside so he was a bit overwhelmed by trees sky etc until he got used to it. we had a caution red lead and collar that said do not touch but silly sods would ignore it and try to pet it. thank goodness he never snapped but i would get fed up saying please give him space we are training him.
i always obey peoples instructions they know the animal better than i do

I always ask if I can pet someone's dog as the owners should know the dogs temperament. I don't often do this tbf and I am pretty good at reading dog's body language but I would never just dive in there. I usually let them sniff me first anyway.

With cats, I try to pet them all if I could 🥺 cats let you know with their own autonomy 🤣🤣🤣 I usually slow blink them then approach slowly or let them come to me. Love to think am a cat lady, love them all. completely misses point of thread

Those leads with 'nervous, 'deaf' etc are SUCH a good idea.

I am good with dogs, dogs like me. I have had a guarding bred before and a daft lab. I always always stand away from the dog and owner and dont make eye contact with the dog. I cannot help but admire a handsome dog though but wouldnt dream of reaching out or worse coming from behind and trying to pat a dog. What do people think is going to happen??

I also see people reaching to dogs that are working and I saw a woman last year telling off a women and her 5 year old for trying to stroke and mess around with a service dog. The Mother went mad with the women and told her to stop telling her child off because he was a child and was getting upset.

What is wrong with some people. Or maybe they all have one brain cell that they share with each other on a daily basis?

Agree with others that you don’t need to ‘work on’ her being friendly to random people. As long as she isn’t growling or barking etc it’s fine for her not to want random strangers touching her. Just like it’s fine for you to not want a random stranger touching you. And yes, if you and your dog find these interactions stressful just leave her in the car or split up differently.

OP, why did you take her into the shop with you? If you were just popping in for one thing and you know your dog is shy, why take her somewhere that not only will there be people, but the sort of people who like animals and will therefore be more rather than less likely to want to pet your dog? After a big walk, I would have thought DDog would have been fine left in the car for a few minutes.

Agree with this. Life is certainly more diffucult with fussy dogs

Stop saying 'she's shy' that is ambiguous. Say 'sorry, she doesn't like strangers '

People will understand better.

Whilst Yanbu to say please don’t approach or whatever in the park, as soon as you take your dog to a shop, cafe or pub you are basically saying that they are friendly. If your dog finds encounters with others difficult don’t take them inside

You're going a bit precious here OP.

A simple
'She doesnt like being touched'

You need to advocate for your dog properly.

However in the situation you describe you should have just left the dog in the car with DH and gone in to the pet shop on your own. Don’t put your dog in a situation where they’re expected to be social if they’re not.

I don’t even think you have anything to ‘work on’. Dogs aren’t performing monkeys, they don’t have to be gushy and friendly to strangers. It’s fine for her to be aloof and not interested in strange people. In many ways that’s easier than an overly friendly dog.

Sometimes you do have to be uncomfortably blunt and say ‘Sorry she doesn’t really like interacting with strangers’ and work on blocking access to her with your body so people can’t reach her. I had a deaf older dog who I had to sometimes get quite physical about protecting when people’s dogs would race over because she couldn’t hear them coming and then got a fright when they bounced onto her. So I would block them with my body and keep saying ‘My dog is elderly and deaf, please recall your dog’ until it was done.

You have to be clearer. Coming out with long fluffy explanations about how tired she is, how shy she is, what a long day she’s had is too much . Just say No, please don’t pet her! No explanation is needed. I was at a crossing once with a nervous dog I know would have reacted badly if a stranger tried to stroke him. I pressed the button, looked back round and some woman had appeared from nowhere and was trying to stroke his head. I said No! Please don’t touch him! She completely ignored me and tried to stroke him again. I had to pull him away from her before the stupid cow got herself bitten then she made some snotty comment about how she likes to give them a chance (like it’s her business to approach dogs she doesn’t know) and how he can’t be a very nice dog anyway as she walked off. I told her twice to stop. Nobody asked her to touch him in the first place. Some people are just thick. Be firmer and just say No!

My dog is quite shy and wary of strangers (apart from when we go to the vets, where he marches in with a wagging tail, wanting to greet everyone in the room )

Sometimes he will be up for greeting strangers elsewhere, but he’s usually nervous about them. If I get any sense that he’s not comfortable, I just say he isn’t friendly and people generally back off.

He’s always frightened of tall men and anyone wearing a hat, so I always tell anyone who fits that description that he isn’t friendly.

I agree with PPs in that you're being too vague and you need to be clearer.
I used to have a collie that was frightened of his own bloody shadow but he looked like a teddy bear. I would walk him on lead and harness that was bright yellow and said "nervous dog" on it. On the rare occasion that people asked to touch him I would say no because I can't guarantee he won't bite you.
I now have a very friendly whippet. She is literally the friendliest dog ever to both people and other dogs. But I recently had an experience where a child asked if he could stroke her, to which I said yes, but he then proceeded to drag her around by her collar. I told him very quickly to let go of her collar because he was being too rough with her and she didn't like it but I then showed him how he should stroke her.

Can you get her one of those little jackets that says I’m shy don’t stroke? I’ve seen peoples dogs in those

YANBU about boundaries but I agree with others that you need to advocate for your dog more firmly. I don't think I have ever heard a dog described as 'shy' and I think I know what you mean but it's a very soft description. I say 'she doesn't like strangers, sorry' about mine and that works but people rarely want to approach her anyway because she's not a recognisable friendly breed like a lab.

Have you considered getting one of those yellow things for her lead that says I need space? It's been suggested to me before but tbh people so rarely approach mine I haven't bothered.

Worth bearing in mind that you're lucky your dog seems able to stay calm in these situations but the more times you allow her to be made to feel uncomfortable, the more likely she is to react/become reactive at some point. And it won't build her confidence either. That's why it's so important that we advocate for our dogs, they need to be able to trust that we will protect them and that they don't need to take anything into their own hands (paws >.<)

I do wonder about how old your dog is? Their behaviour can change quite a lot around 18 months/2 years as they become an adult so you could be setting yourself up for more of a problem when that happens.

I have a somewhat self-contained lab bitch who is generally not interested in meeting random people, but I receive similar comments from those that know better.
Over the years she’s grown confident enough to just walk past them, ignoring them, but still they try to grab her.

Luckily she’s steady and non reactive, but one day they will meet one who isn’t.🤷🏻‍♀️

Not everyone knows about 'dog boundaries'.

As others have said you need to stop with the “probably won’t say hi” nonsense. What does that even mean anyway? Just say no she doesn’t like being petted.

Totally agree with this, particularly difficult if you have a breed which people always want to say Hello to, like a spaniel or a Labrador. My biggest best tip is to get one of those sleeves for the Lead, you can get ones that say give me space, or ask to Pet, or an anxious dog, nervous Dog, there is probably one for shy Dog. We keep one in the car, and then I just slipped on the lead when I feel like he might need a bit of space!