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Deeply ashamed of my son

103 replies

Iluvgenehunt · 13/09/2026 02:04

My family, daughter, son in law, granddaughter, son and son's girlfriend attended a family wedding today. My 32 year old son has a history of drug addiction and alcohol abuse. I thought that the habitual weed smoking was finally behind him but it seems not. He got so drunk that even before the meal had been served, he was extremely drunk. He and his girlfriend left the table. I later discover his beautiful girlfriend crying outside and son was meandering all over the grounds outside the hotel arguing with anyone who would listen about politics. Girlfriend then tells me that he is back buying bitcoin in order to get weed vapes from America. He is broke and now owes her money. He has also been on Tinder and has been messaging women, looking at porn and talking to his ex girlfriends trying to get sympathy. I have urged girlfriend to leave him (together for three years) because he doesn't love her. He is addicted to weed, alcohol, porn and lying. He can barely hold down a job. My ex husband has washed his hands of him even though he is also an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive to me for years and had been having an affair with someone he works with for quite some time before we divorced. I suspected this but didn't know it for sure until today.
I am humiliated and furious and sick to my stomach about my son. I need to detach myself from him. He will threaten suicide and try to get money out of me. I have to tolerate him in my house tonight but would it be unreasonable if me to cut all contact.....at least temporarily and maybe for good?
My mother became an alcoholic in her 70s so I have been surrounded by addicts for over half my life.

OP posts:
5128gap · 17/09/2026 06:48

XelaM · 14/09/2026 21:18

I think it's quite mean to try to convince his girlfriend to leave your son "because he doesn't love her". How do you know he doesn't? It's not going to make your son's life any better if his long-term girlfriend dumps him.

He may well love her. But being loved by an addict is often tantamount to a lifetime of pain and misery, as appear to be the case here, given this young woman is being exploited, stolen from, manipulated, and can't even enjoy a wedding without it being destroyed for her.
Unfortunately feeling you are loved can be the chain that keeps people in these situations and turns them into co dependents and enablers.
If the OP can help free this woman she will have done a good job for them both. Because while her son has his girlfriend tolerating him he has less motive for change.

HowardTJMoon · 17/09/2026 08:21

CrazyMidget · 17/09/2026 05:19

You speak as if it's a choice. Addiction is an illness, and it's extremely hard to beat for many people. Look at poor Matthew Perry. All the money and resources in the world and he still couldn't do it. George Best drank himself to death, and so did Amy Winehouse. They had everything to live for, and they just couldn't beat it.

Fundamentally it is a choice. It's not an easy choice and it's one that can often feel near impossible. It can be a choice you have to make every day, every hour, or even every minute. But it's a choice. If it wasn't then nobody would ever recover from their addiction.

Iluvgenehunt · 17/09/2026 11:32

Thanks again all. I feel very guilty about what he saw growing up. I have repeatedly apologised to both him and his sister and I should have had the courage to leave. I did suggest it once to my son and he was adamant that he didn't want to move away from a nice part of West London to somewhere less safe and pleasant. I had to stay within a reasonable commute to my very demanding job in a big US corporation. I could have forced the issue but I didn't have the emotional strength.

His addiction is primarily drugs but if he can't indulge himself in those he will use alcohol. I'm so tired of my life. I'm on max dose of anti-depressants and some anxiety relief and have had DBT, EMDR and counselling so I guess this is as good as it gets. I'd be at Dignitas now if I could.

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