Deeply ashamed of my son

Absolutely. Your not under any obligation even it's a son to keep someone in your life. You've got your own mental health to deal with. Nobody has the right to drag you down and cause you stress not even sons.

I could not disagree more with this: its a profoundly ignorant and judgmental rant. You clearly know nothing about addiction and you should educate yourself before laying into someone who is struggling in this way.

Incidentally, why are you encouraging his girlfriend to leave him?! She’s probably the only person keeping him alive and she wouldn’t stick with him unless she thought something was there

@Nicewoman did you somewho miss this?

Girlfriend then tells me that he is back buying bitcoin in order to get weed vapes from America. He is broke and now owes her money. He has also been on Tinder and has been messaging women, looking at porn and talking to his ex girlfriends trying to get sympathy. I have urged girlfriend to leave him (together for three years) because he doesn't love her. He is addicted to weed, alcohol, porn and lying. He can barely hold down a job

Please explain why any woman, let alone a girlfriend of 3 years, owes someone who behaves like this and clearly cares nothing for her support? OP did exactly right in trying to convince her to leave.

My bad with last post, accidentally reposted Bt Con.

Short version- @Nicewoman attitudes like yours are part of the reason women feel compelled to stay in terrible, abusive relationships and OP was quite right to try to get the girlfriend to see that she deserves better. I hope she realises

I remember listening to a fascinating radio interview of a woman who cut ties with her addict son (moved away and everything). Years later when he was clean and they were back in touch, he admitted that it was only when that final source of kindness (meals, an occasional bed, not reporting thefts from the house) was cut that he had to make the choice between spending any money he had on living or on drugs and he finally chose living and got clean. Every case is different, but her story really stuck with me.

For every case like this, there must be many more of addicts never beating their addiction, being on the streets and eventually dying.

Couldn't agree more.

It's really not very hard to understand that the childhood of having an abusive dad and a mother putting him first (because that's how it feel to a child when you don't leave).... leads to deep trauma.

I mean it doesn't take Einstein to figure this one out, no matter how you project and blame his demons on him. He's such a problem isn't he?

I wonder how many of the posters agreeing that OP shouldn’t encourage the girlfriend to leave have daughters themselves and would be happy for them to remain in a relationship like that. If they would feel differently if it were their daughter then they’re hypocrites. If they would be content to let their daughters continue to be this lad’s emotional support human that’s a pretty damning indictment on their parenting. Either way it’s a wild take.

No, I wouldn't want my daughter to be in such a relationship but that's because I'm her mum and concerned about her best interests. The OP is her SON's mum and should act in his best interests, not want to make his life even worse.

And many more addicts never beating their addiction, still being in their own home or that of their parents, and eventually dying there.

I think a lot of people would really struggle to stand by and watch their addict son ruin a woman’s life out of some (albeit misguided) belief that it’s ‘in his best interests’. I hope so, anyway. I know people are supposed to love their children unconditionally, but encouraging them in their belief that their ‘best interests’ sit at a centre around which everyone and everything else orbits doesn’t seem much like love to me. It sounds more like taking the easy way out.

What's making his life worse is his alcohol and drug use. That is not the fault of his girlfriend or something she can control. If she decides to leave him then what he chooses to do as a consequence is up to him. For all you know it might make him take stock of his life choices and decide to get sober. Whatever he chooses will be his responsibility, not hers.

Being in a relationship with an addict is less a boyfriend/girlfriend thing and more of a hostage situation. I've been in a relationship with a volatile alcoholic. I ever had to face the heartbreaking realisation that my own DS was an addict then I'd be advising his girlfriend to leave, too.

An addict´s firs love is their addiction and anyone believing otherwise is in lalaland.

I can only imagine how conflicted you feel. Its ok to take a step back from him for a while. It sounds like he has an enabler, his girlfriend, who is letting him walk all over her and sticking around so there are no consequences. I think you need to encourage her to end it and hopefully when she does you may need to step in and support his recovery. While she is by his side passively accepting whatever he wants to do he isn't going to change because he isn't going to hit rock bottom. You are his mother and can't help but love him to some extent even when you hate him, that's a natural thing. But this woman has free will and is choosing to be with him. It's unbelievable to me that she does this.

Imagine how shit your son's behaviour would have to be to try to convince his girlfriend she'd be better off without him. This isn't mean. This is one woman showing concern for another, not centering the man and his appalling behaviour because he "deserves" a girlfriend regardless.

You and your son's girlfriend are in a terrible position, OP. I'm so sorry. Please get yourself some help, support and advice from Al Anon,. Don't try to deal with this on your own. It really will drag you down.

You don’t have to tolerate the behaviour. Absolutely not. He needs to know that his behaviour isn’t ok. You do whatever you need to do to protect your own mental health.

AND (not or)

You need to let him know that what he witnessed and experienced growing up wasn’t ok and that he deserved better. His childhood explains a lot about his current behavioural patterns.

So I think you put boundaries in, firmly, and you stick to them. But make sure he knows it is his behaviour you are rejecting and don’t tolerate and not him, that you understand the impact of the choices you and his dad made and he deserved better and that when he has found better ways of managing difficult emotions and can behave respectfully then you love him and will be there for him. But it’s not your responsibility to heal him. He needs to get himself help.

And I want to be clear that this isn’t about him blaming his childhood to relinquish responsibility- he’s an adult and in charge of his own choices. But the more he understands why he behaves in the way the more likely he is to get the right kind of help. You and your husband did your best, but it wasn’t ok to raise a child in those circumstances. I say this as someone who had been raised in similar circumstances and tried really hard not repeat them but had messed up in similar ways to my parents without realising. I’m not blaming you at all. It’s the nature of trans generational abuse.

You’re not going to prevent that happening by sacrificing your own health/money/sanity. If an addict is going to die, they’ll do it whether you help them or not but going down with them won’t stop it happening.

I kicked DB out (alcohol and cocaine addict) after I’d taken him in after our DM had kicked him out. I thought that with support and love, that I could help him. In reality his addiction spiralled while I propped him up. He stole from me, and I ended up in thousands of pounds worth of debt. He brought cocaine into my house and left it where my then two year old could find it. I’d come in from work to a house full of piss heads who had eaten all our food and made loads of mess. I was literally on the verge of losing my home and having a breakdown.

Eventually I kicked him out and only then did he go into rehab. He has been dry/sober for over 20 years.

You have done what you can. You did your best.

”I love you. I won’t tolerate this behaviour. You need to XYZ or I can’t be around you. I can’t stand by and watch you XYZ. I’m here for you if you XYZ.”

And forgive yourself too. We all mess up our kids in one way or another. Those lucky enough to have had decent childhoods themselves and with non abusive partners will find it a lot easier to parent than those of us who didn’t. Accountability for mistakes (and we all make them) is good but self blame isn’t. You have taken accountability (I bet his dad hasn’t and he was the biggest issue) and that’s all you can do. You did your best. He’s a man now and needs to take responsibility and accountability for his own actions. You need to be kind to yourself.

Poor you. I can’t imagine what this must be like as a mum. I have had a whole lifetime of addicts including a parent, so I understand it from some aspects but it must be hard when it’s your son.
girlfriend has to work it out for herself. Someone’s parents told me many years ago to walk away from their addiction son. I didn’t and it was a horror show .
i wish you well and some peace

You speak as if it's a choice. Addiction is an illness, and it's extremely hard to beat for many people. Look at poor Matthew Perry. All the money and resources in the world and he still couldn't do it. George Best drank himself to death, and so did Amy Winehouse. They had everything to live for, and they just couldn't beat it.

This.He is a product of the environment he grew up in sadly OP, his father has modelled alcoholism and domestic abuse.As you allowed him to grow up around that too, I do think it would be unreasonable to wash your hands of him completely, as alot of the damage likely is from his difficult upbringing and think you need to accept some responsibility for that.

However, he is now an adult, who also needs to take responsibility for himself and his behaviours- he does not deserve the girlfriend he has and you should definitely continue to encourage her to leave him.Also, stop lending him money and if abusive stop letting him into your home.Don't allow him to speak disrespectfully to you.
But maintain a low level of contact however possible.

He certainly doesn't sound like
a very nice individual, but hopefully it is the alcoholism causing alot of it and if he can get clean maybe he can mend his ways.

Sure he might love her but that's not enough sounds like she'd be better if without him in her life