AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

What your husband said to you was wrong and hurtful, but you went much too far in how you retaliated.

It's not acceptable to "discipline" someone else's 3 year old with time out- especially when it's the first time they've ever been in your care. YABU.

He makes you feel awful then plays the victim when u turn it back on him. Hello Mr narcissist!

There are so many separate issues here. Dh sounds jealous of his brothers lifestyle and would like you both to get on better. Yet he worded it badly. You seemed to hear he wanted her, which by his reaction was not the case. Putting someone else’s child on timeout wasn’t a great move but it’s done. I think you both need to consider relationship therapy.

She could nag him about;

• not being home enough to spend time with her or the kids
• not prioritising them at the weekend
• not being thoughful
• not enough sex / too high sex drive
• driving too fast / slow
• not showing an interest in the family
• not doing diy
• not seeing her family

The list could go on. And people are often not the same behind closed doors or on holiday. She or he may have mental health or physical health issues or relationship issues - you can’t judge them but one holiday.

As other posters have said. Stop focusing on them and start focusing on your marriage. Insulting each other isn’t helping.

Neither of you sound that great to each other really.

Have another talk. Admit that the last one got out of hand and talk to each other about what you need from this relationship. If he listened in the last conversation, then hopefully he’ll listen.
You could either support each other and have a better relationship, or not.

Children who grow up in abusive households often choose the same sort of life partners.

Seems like op's bil broke the cycle. And op's husband got a big dose of narcissistic rage for daring to compare op unfavourably to someone 'better' than her.

Viciously dismantling someone with verbal abuse is not the same as standing up for yourself at all.

No child should be put in time out . Just talk to them about the behaviour and explain why it was wrong .

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

I absolutely and categorically don’t think she should ignore emotional abuse like that. No way. And I’d label her reaction as just that ‘reactive abuse’. I think her reaction was understandable.

But two things are true here. He was out of order and emotionally abusive and she does need help figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. And she was verbally abusive in retaliation and that’s not ok either.

I totally understand why she reacted though! And a bit of me thinks ‘ha! He deserved that!’ But that doesn’t make it right.

OP you have a right to be annoyed at comparisons. To then take it to a nuclear level, taunting your DH and basically telling him he’s completely worthless is vicious and cruel. No wonder he said what he said. It’s unforgivable and hoping he has the sense to know that he doesn’t need to stay.

Yea, I don’t see it quite as black and white. I see it as a woman who has come a long way since her abusive childhood, but she’s not perfect so she has become overprotective of her child and will defend her in a strong way if she feels that she has been badly treated. It may not be proportionate always, but she clearly have a lot of trauma and is fiercely protective of her little family.

There are plenty of effective ways of raising a child that doesn’t include time-out. Many parents knew how ineffective and mean it was already 20 years ago when I had little children.

For me, I would absolutely have a go at my DH for being so blind and hurtful. I would absolutely defend myself to the hills and demand an apology before moving on.

Would I then become vindictive and suggest that being with my DH was slumming it, and making remarks on his looks and finances? Suggest calling the object to see if they want to be with crappy DH? Absolutely not.

This.

OP ignore everyone on here who moaned about the timeout or your husband nonbeing able to take what he dished out.

Yes, your comeback was firm and cruel but it was also deserved. He started it and upset you so who the fuck cares as bout him not being able to take it?

Lots of people on here have glossed over the fact that what he said had hurt you.

I really am surprised about the backlash your getting on here - probably from women that would take abuse of their partners and not stand up for themselves and give as good as you get, back.

The one thing I do agree with though is whether this relationship can be salvaged and if it's worth it.

All sounds like hard work. You guys just aren't nice to each other.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5577442-aibu-to-be-upset-my-husband-posted-an-unflattering-birthday-photo

It sounds eaksy peaksy now between you and DH - your adhd bil and your SIL with a history of abuse will probably not trundle through life easily - their problems will surface. But you need to stay away from them now. DH was totally in the wrong to compare you to her ? You were as bad back to him and I would say to agree to no more talk of sweet SIL and move on.
Shame about the niece getting told off but her crying was probably being away from her mother if she was only 3 and this had not ever happened before .
Time will fix this - the niece will grow up, you and DH will have other interests than his DB and you can make a point of talking more kindly to one another
to add I’ve been married 43 years and there have been the odd fierce row in that time but we are still tigether

What you said to him was unforgivable. Im not surprised he cried as that was probably the point he realised how little you think of him.
He shouldn’t compare you.
That is wrong but he’s saying to you to lighten up/laugh more. You respond with a character and visual assassination of him. Really horrible.

Can you explain to me, why the OP needs to tolerate it but not say anything back?
what do you think you should say to a man who compares like this?
What do you think a man who does this will listen to?
What was the OP meant to do? Please, please do not say ignore it. We do enough of that.

He absolutely deserved what he got from you. His behaviour was appalling.

SIL sounds crazy, trying to take a swing at you for putting her kid in a three minute timeout.

What are you going to do about your marriage? It sounds like you have so much contempt for each other.

I think sticking up for yourself is good. And her DH sounds toxic or even emotionally abusive. But she did take it too far and stepped into emotionally abusive language herself. Driven to it, for sure, but it’s still not ok.

I knew you would be torn apart @SassyNavyHam I would leave the thread.
Posters on Mumsnet despise women who stick up for themselves in any way.
I knew you would get the 'neither of you covered yourself in glory' and would you believe, second post in word for bloody word.
You aren't supposed to say anything back to the Man for goodness sake, did you miss the memo? You are supposed to meekly accept whatever they throw at you and be grateful he goes to work. Do keep up.

In the real world, you absolutely did the right thing. They love to compare don't they? Imagine being compared to someone who has a damn housekeeper and lives their best life 😂

Also, ignore the dickheads who will pop up and say you sound 'jealous of her'. Some fucked up posters on this site unfortunately.

Not unreasonable to snap. It was unwise to compare you to someone who is so awful to you both. Also not to recognise that she/BiL has significantly more help than both of you.

But you should not have said those things to your husband. It would never have gone down well and shoe on the other foot, you would probably have cried or stormed out (even temporarily).

It is possible to be hurt without hurting others. That might be the biggest lesson for you both going forward.

1. The things he was saying were not ok. Really hurtful. It’s fine to ask you to do things differently but it’s not ok to say ‘why can’t you be more like her’
2. You are right. Of course she doesn’t nag - there is no function to ‘nagging’ when everything is done by paid help. Nagging would also lose its function if men just pulled their weight domestically.
3. I understand why you snapped and gave him a taste of his own medicine but I think you took it too far.
4. You don’t put someone else’s kid in a time out. The days of time outs being a normal parenting intervention are long gone. And 40 minutes distress is awful. I can see why age was upset but again, she shouldn’t have tried to hit you.

I think you are a women on the edge. I feel empathy for you but I also think you need some counselling. Your H treats you like crap. This is not a healthy marriage. It seems like there is a lot of emotional dysregulation in your family and that’s not good for children. I’d really urge you to seek some help so that you can set healthy boundaries for yourself and your children.

She’s the very definition of Lady Muck. She treats her in laws as if they were “trash”. Targets DH for not protecting her DH from their parents when there’s nothing a child can do about abusive parents. Doesn’t discipline her child and kicks off if anyone else does. Even tried to swing at OP.

Of course she’s nice to BIL she’s got fuck all else to do and he’s her golden goose.

You both sound toxic.
You need to change things and de stress your household.

Make a list of things your DH wants to improve.
Decide whether you both agree and decide which of you will do more in each important area. Pat each other on the back when you
make improvements.

Puting a guest child in time out is not appropriate.

In what way?

She was described as: She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesn't nag his brother. She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine.

is it because she has money? It’s perfectly possible to be a rich person and still be all those things. Or is it because she has a less punitive parenting style? That I’d say is quite understandable given she was abused as a child.