That neurodivergent children shouldn’t be reduced in such a binary way?

I 100% agree with you unequivocally OP but I hope you’ve got your hard hat prepared…

I agree. But also it works both ways… people assume that because a child is autistic/ND then they must be badly behaved etc. I have an autistic child who is beautifully behaved and has never caused a single minute of trouble in the classroom. He would never be unkind to anyone, bully anyone or misbehave. Instead he self harms.

Yes, it’s awful. DD is autistic and is shoved with the other autistic kids. No allowance for the fact the boy next to her is loud, messy, disruptive of the class, and she needs everything very neat, tidy, quiet. No. Just ‘they’re autistic, put them together’. She hates it. And don’t get me started on lack of understanding of autism in females.

It obviously depends on cognitive ability but having two children with ASD with very different support needs I can see both sides.

My older more able boy is prone to impulsivity and saying inappropriate things. I have zero tolerance for violence, abusive language and the very few instances we’ve had I’ve dealt with very firmly even where the school hasn’t. It will do him no favours to be allowed to behave in such a way.

I agree too. While ND causes exacerbated emotions and behaviours in such children, it is not the sole cause and not all behaviour can just be accounted for by saying "well he has autism" and brushing it under the rug.

I think it is often quite hard to differentiate between what behaviour is due to neurodivergence and what behaviour is not, so when they already have a label people find it easier to say its that and call it done. Very frustrating indeed and like you say helpful to noone, particularly the child themselves when trying to understand their own emotions and improve their behaviour and thus their relationship with peers, etc etc.

Some behaviour as stated above can absolutely be attributed to ND, but there is such a fine line. If what you said in OP happened to your child then I am so deeply sorry. I would be beyond infuriated if that happened to my kids with the school/whoever just brushing it off. My son is ND and ive come to learn which behaviours are normal and at what point his additional needs start showing, and thus when to intervene.

Labels/diagnoses should not be an excuse for certain behaviour, but rather a reason to delve into understanding it and helping the individual, as so many do, but sadly, so many don't.

God this comment was like a breath of fresh air to read. Same here. My son is very sensitive to sensory overload and needs to have a lot of space, quiet time, etc. But has also been shoved with all of the other ND kids; one in particular is very large and able, frequently throwing things, pushing things over, even pushed my son over the other day on his first week of school. Cue refusal to go, tears, meltdowns in the worst form. I have since spoken to his mum and he has apologised but it does little in the way of reassuring a ND 4 year old that school is a safe place.

I'm not saying ND kids should have all of their indivudal needs catered to down to a T as of course that just isn't life and would be impractical in so many regards. But it really does feel like they're viewed as one group, shoved together and told to get on with it.

I’m so sorry to hear that, it’s awful isn’t it.

I havent really come across this idea of asd and adhd being used as an excuse to not work on emotional regulation and behaviour much in reality.

I hear people saying others use it as an excuse a lot, but I dont really come across ot in the wild. noone i know with a neurodivegent child does but maybe i filter my friends?

my son is at a special school for autism and adhd. Everyone works tirelessly to help the children communicate better and regulate thier emotions.

Ive seen asd or adhd used as an explanation of why a child might find those things harder to do than other children of the same age, and I have seen it as an explanation of why standard parent techniques dont work and parenting might look different, but not a general throwing up of hands in defeat.

I do think people expect standard parenting techniques to be performed and if they arent they assume a parent has done nothing.

(There will always be poor parents of nt and neurodivirgent children as a caveat)

I’d also like to point out that my beautifully behaved autistic son has been the victim of a lot of bullying and even violence from NT children, so again it works both ways.

Exactly why his! I work with ND children and have ND children myself. Don’t see it.

Agree my lovely DS has been bullied relentlessly at Secondary School, all of the fuckers neurodiverse but parents act like they are the victims. It pains me to say it but this cohort are the nastiest most manipulative kids I have ever come across. Before I get slated my DS has SEN but wears his heart on his sleeve. I also feel sorry for the teachers who have to put up with their behaviour.

I hear you it is so frustrating.

I experience exactly the opposite
and it’s well known and supported by data that ND are significantly more likely to be bullied than NT children. The stats are horrific.

I have personally seen a lot of parents, at the school where I work, have their children diagnosed as neurodivergent and then completely take their foot off the gas regarding their behaviour. Last year we had several children diagnosed with ADHD and then completely go off the rails behaviour-wise because they were living up to the label and, despite the fact they hadn’t behaved like that before the diagnosis, the parent would argue against any sanctions given for poor behaviour choices saying that they ‘couldn’t help it, it’s the ADHD’. It’s very frustrating particularly when neurodivergence is very individual, if you’ve met one person with ADHD or Autism then that’s all you’ve met - they are all individuals and require support in different ways!

I am sorry that this has happened but it doesn’t make it right that a cohort of autistic kids have made my DS life hell with their lies, manipulation and just being nasty.

Didn’t say it did. My ND was bullied horrifically by nasty manipulative NT children so….🤷‍♀️

No it doesn’t. Bullying is wrong, whoever is the perpetrator. It happens that my autistic child, who has never said an unkind word to anyone, has been bullied and abused by many NT children (bullied specifically for his disability). That’s also wrong.

I'm really new to this as my son was diagnosed in June with adhd and asd at 15yrs.
Mainly what has been such an eye opener is two things...

1. People who know nothing about either whilst talking about them both with authority whilst not getting it.
2. Who your actual friends are or who they aren't.

My son can absolutely be a nasty piece of work but it does feel like we are already up against peoples opinions before we have started.

I agree with the majority of this. My son is Autistic and when he was younger he had a really hard time self regulating and it would lead to a lot of aggressive behaviours. We never excused any aggression and helped him to find ways to manage his emotions better. He's very calm child now and able to voice when he feels overwhelmed.

Meltdowns are a bit different though. My son used to completely lose control over his own body and all we could do was move him to a quiet place and try to stop him from hurting himself and others. It was very frightening for him and us but thankfully he hasn't had any in a few years.

Bullying is wrong whoever it comes from but my DS is tired and weary of being called a retard by a kid who apparently can’t help it as it’s down to his ADHD, the kid who is autistic who follows my DS around and wants to stab him and the autistic girl who can’t separate fantasy from reality and accuses my gentle boy of violence towards her sisters who he has never met. I will always defend SEN and will always treat bullying with contempt from any kid ND or NT but am sick of parents using ND as an excuse for bullying and holding schools to ransom.

I get that, completely. My son is also tired and weary of being bullied and abused because of his disability. Actually that’s not entirely true, he doesn’t have the intellectual capacity to understand why he’s being bullied, he just knows that people are hurting him and in turn it causes him to self harm. Their parents don’t offer up any excuse for the bullying; I don’t know if that’s better or worse but the end result is the same. As I said, bullying is wrong, whoever the perpetrators.

I think a lot of adults can't tell the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown and that they just describe any old behaviour as a meltdown. It drives me mad as my son suffered so much having meltdowns and they lasted hours. It was manageable at home but truely horrific in a public place.

Absolutely agree OP.

I worked with kids in care and they tried to rush to make excuses for one of the kids we worked with who was Autistic as he had said something racist to a child in his (mainstream) school.

He was an otherwise very nice kid but I wasn’t having it and had a talk with him and it didn’t happen again afaik. The kid actually respected my approach, instead of everyone rushing around saying he can’t help it and being upset that the school were labelling him as a racist.

F that! What about the impact on the POC kid who was racially abused ?

Same for kids who are expected to tolerate violence from other children. It’s ridiculous.