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Original poster

To request DD be assessed for autism?

65 replies

iCantStopScranning · 12/09/2026 10:44

DD is 17, a smart and socialable girl, and is extremely high functioning (cooks dinners every night, grooms our dog, washing etc). You probably wouldn’t think she could have autism - this is where i wonder if it is worth testing her.

She thinks she could have autism, but be well adapted. She shows many traits: She is a huge masker (was a completely different child when she went to her dads house, even down to the voice), sensitive to loud noises, doesn’t know when to stop talking, overshares almost any detail in anything, feels insignificant to/scared of CERTAIN other people - especially in lessons/classroom, really struggles when plans change even when minor, and she really struggles talking. Her struggle with talking is not a confidence thing though- she will talk to strangers in the shops/new people perfectly fine and even outgoing, and can usually make conversations with new friends, but her actual stringing together of sentences is not great. She is able to write down beautifully, but eg in an english lesson she cannot then explain what she has written down without losing the main point/saying gibberish/etc. This is similar but not as severe in conversational settings; she struggles to say what she would want to.

The main thing is masking, she acts different towards different teachers, being nervous in front of one of her teachers, worrying about what she thinks of her, and then being full of banter and joking with another - she recently “broke the mask” in front of the teacher 1, whilst talking to the other, and cried to me about how know she knows “that’s not her”.

I think it’s really difficult for her, because we honestly don’t know that she would be seen as autistic if she had it, as i think she seems so neurotypical, even to a doctor she would be confident, smiley and probably hold eye contact.
A diagnosis would of course help with school, but do you think she would get a true diagnosis- what’s the testing like for 17-18yo girls?

I just want to emphasise that she really does seem neurotypical, but she feels completely different to others.

sorry for the long read.

OP posts:
Pumpkindice · 12/09/2026 11:33

iCantStopScranning · 12/09/2026 11:21

@PumpkindiceI should have worded it differently - she will not be far on the spectrum, so i understand that with her high masking in different situations, it would be less prevalent and therefore less likely to be diagnosed than someone who is also low on the spectrum and doesn’t have as many helping responsibilities as she does.
But yes I will be researching more deeply into autism thank you ☺️
@WeirdpigI do think she doesn’t have to think about doing a lot of these things consciously, but i also believe it’s the extent of the things she does that shows neurodivergency.
@SummerFeverVeniceyes my DS2 has ADHD, and is much less handy than DS1, which is another reason i highlight how helpful DS1 is (i am not saying ADHD=not helpful either, just the case in my house!). I am certain i have NDcy, but I don’t feel that a diagnosis would do much for me, so I am fine with living as i do already! thank you though 😁

I don't mean to be rude, but it's really evident from your posts that you don't have much knowledge of autism and how it affects people. It isn't a linear spectrum with 'very autistic' at one end and 'a bit autistic' at the other end. Yes there are people who have what is more commonly referred to as profound autism who are visibly affected and need day to day care. But for many people with autism there are areas they do better with and areas that they are more affected. The fact that your daughter has things she manages well does not mean that she isn't affected in other aspects, or having to compensate and strategize a lot to manage situations that others might do without thinking.

There could of course be other explanations for the things she struggles with, but if she wants to think about it, there's enough in your post that suggests it's worth exploring.

Original poster
iCantStopScranning · 12/09/2026 11:28

@Savvysix1984She says she is worried she’s not actually different and it’s something completely normal, but she is overreacting. (She is reading these with me 🤣) and now says she wouldn’t want a teacher to know she was being assessed, and doesn’t think they would say she shows anything different.

OP posts:
Savvysix1984 · 12/09/2026 11:25

She could be autistic. The main thing is that your dd feels that she’s ‘different’ so it’s worth exploring. Given her age a lot will be based on how she presents and what she reports. They’ll also have a meeting with you and will request info from school. It would be worth getting info from more than one teacher if you think she presents differently as that can be significant.

PurpleThistle7 · 12/09/2026 11:22

Well at 17 it’s her choice really. My daughter self diagnosed around 10 but we are still on the wait list after a primary assessment 3 years later. You’ll be on the adult list which is something like 6 years unless you find a way to have a private diagnosis accepted.

Autism isn’t one thing so the list of accomplishments doesn’t really matter. It’s lots of things and at her age she’ll know more than you. Autistic girls are notorious great maskers so you likely wouldn’t know everything she is holding inside.

Original poster
iCantStopScranning · 12/09/2026 11:21

@PumpkindiceI should have worded it differently - she will not be far on the spectrum, so i understand that with her high masking in different situations, it would be less prevalent and therefore less likely to be diagnosed than someone who is also low on the spectrum and doesn’t have as many helping responsibilities as she does.
But yes I will be researching more deeply into autism thank you ☺️
@WeirdpigI do think she doesn’t have to think about doing a lot of these things consciously, but i also believe it’s the extent of the things she does that shows neurodivergency.
@SummerFeverVeniceyes my DS2 has ADHD, and is much less handy than DS1, which is another reason i highlight how helpful DS1 is (i am not saying ADHD=not helpful either, just the case in my house!). I am certain i have NDcy, but I don’t feel that a diagnosis would do much for me, so I am fine with living as i do already! thank you though 😁

OP posts:
beaglescurleduplikebagels · 12/09/2026 11:19

If she feels like she wants to be assessed then please start the process for her.

A professional will be able to see through someone high-masking in a second.

Givemeausernamepls · 12/09/2026 11:18

At 17 I would let her choose and support her. Lots of adult women say they always felt like they never fit in and their diagnosis really helped them

PeanutsForever · 12/09/2026 11:17

The only reason for assessment and diagnosis is if its impacting a person's life and a diagnosis would help them to manage that.

In this case, your DD feels out of place and uncomfortable. That could well just be normal 17 year old issues. It could be more. Going through a process to understand this might give her the confidene and the tools to manage her issues going forward or to figure out what accomodations/changes she needs to make.

Much of what you're described doesnt feel odd. The speaking thing and noises does sound like some sensory processing challenges that are beyond what might be consideered "normal". SPD can often coexist with autism but it can also be standalone so that might also be worth exploring - ie rather than self diagnosing and then seeking affirmation of that, explore the variety of thigns that could be happening and go from there.

Pearlstillsinging · 12/09/2026 11:14

What would be the disadvantages of having an assessment? If there aren't any, and I can't think if any, she should go for it.

SummerFeverVenice · 12/09/2026 11:11

If she is asking for an assessment, then get it done. I would ask for both ASD and ADHD as you have listed some traits of both.

The fact you think she is normal, is a sign you might also be ND and have gone your whole life undiagnosed.

Pumpkindice · 12/09/2026 11:09

I think it's odd that you're so sure she seems neurotypical, do you think autistic can't cook or look after pets or make eye contact?
If your daughter thinks she could be and she wants to know, I'd encourage her to explore being assessed - bearing in mind the benefit of an assessment is largely peace of mind and the confidence to research what will help her, there's not usually any post diagnosis support.
For yourself, I think you could do with learning more about autism.

Frazzledinmyforties · 12/09/2026 11:08

I would absolutely go for an assessment. She may find that things finally make sense for her; a lot of people feel validated and relieved after diagnosis.
I understand exactly what you mean about appearing neurotypical but if she is autistic, that will be taking a lot of work mentally (whether she realises it or not) and eventually that could take a toll on her mental health. The fact that it’s not impacting her negatively enough is not a reason not to go for an assessment, her needs will change as she gets older and remember she can’t be diagnosed with something that she isn’t so what harm would it do if she was assessed but isn’t autistic?

Weirdpig · 12/09/2026 11:08

I think that everyone code switches between different social situations. That doesn't necessarily make it autistic masking. But perhaps the difference is how effortful it is. My autistic DD has described to me various linguistic and social rules that she has observed and follows, demonstrating the effort she's putting in to decoding situations and then adjusting to fit in. As an NT person, I don't have to think about this stuff in the same way, it just happens for me.

If you do want to pursue a diagnosis, you're best off finding someone who specialises in diagnosing girls and is able to identify masking.

shellyleppard · 12/09/2026 10:58

My son struggled with school but was very good at masking. He finally got diagnosed with autism aged 19. He was scared/worried about getting it done sooner.

LauritaEvita · 12/09/2026 10:56

I suppose it depends to what level this is affecting her life. The example you give about the teachers seems very usual to me. I had teachers I was more relaxed with and could have a laugh with and others that I knew I had to mind my p’s and q’s with and so spoke to completely differently. I assume most of us were the same as I noticed the same pattern with other kids.