Struggling with being my friends only support

She needs to get therapy. At least dump on Samaritans if she can't anywhere else.

I think I’m in this situation too. I don’t get daily phone calls but she wants to meet every week and it’s starting to feel pressurized and a bit claustrophobic. Trying to encourage her to get out and join a few things.

I wouldn’t go. Just say you can’t get annual leave. I dislike casual lying but it would be kinder to in this situation. I am happy to help my friends but I couldn’t have a friend like this it is so draining. You’ve only met a few times. She was being really unfair and unkind to asking you to go. It was emotionally manipulative. You also need to consider where this friendship is going? What is going to happen if she does become homeless.
Im friends with someone going through a serious health issue. It’s devastating for her and things can get on top of her but she is still a caring and lovely person. Your ‘friend’ sounds selfish and manipulative.

OP has would maybe consider a few things if you do want to go.

The first is a lot of companies will give you a day not as annual leave for a funeral.

The second is rent a car. Car rentals can be £20 a day if money is an issue.

Op this girl is ripping the absolute piss out of you. Not intentionally I’m sure but the more you give, the more she’ll take. Sometimes the most you can do is support a person to make contacts nearer their home and to join clubs or support groups to meet people. You’re basically her unpaid counsellor. Not your circus op. You don’t have the money, you don’t have the leave, you don’t have the inclination so it’s an obvious no. Your people pleasing needs addressed. I’m sorry for the girl and I hope she has someone on the day but it doesn’t need to be you

If you’d be relieved if she stopped contacting you, then I think you’ve answered your own question. You don’t need to feel guilty for her problems. She doesn’t have a job, has little/no friends. She needs to sort her own life out. If she had those things, she probably wouldn’t be contacting you.

Friendships change and unfortunately I don’t think the person she used to be is coming back. Now her mum has died she will be leaning on you more than ever, and by constantly being available 24/7 you’re actually enabling her. I really think you should tell her you won’t be able to make the funeral because work won’t approve your annual leave and then slowly start the process of stepping away. For her own good, and her future, she needs people who are nearer to her, and also a therapist which is not you.

You just feel you’re on call all the time. There’s no one to help spread the load. Twice it’s happened to me and twice I eventually had to go no contact. It’s draining.

You’re doing your best OP but tdlr: you need to take a step back. Stop being so useful to her and you’ll see if she really likes you as a person or is just milking the friendship for all it’s worth.

So to elaborate I see a previous version of myself in a lot of what you’ve said. I had a childhood friend who had an abusive relationship in her early 20s as well as a tough childhood. We were both working in an expensive city miles away from where we grow up. The difference is she had a partner and kids and I didn’t. But yet she would lean heavily on me for emotional and financial support despite the fact she had a partner.

I was constantly picking up the tab when we went for dinner with her and her kids or even if we met up without the kids for a coffee. I was frequently being asked for money to pay for this school concert and that kids club (and yes her partner was the father of her kids)

Looking back maybe I was like a husband with none of the benefits? 😂 I always said to her she can pay me back if she wants but I didn’t insist on it - she chose to take advantage of that and never paid me back. Not once did she even buy me a coffee to say thanks for all your help.

When her dad died I contributed over a £100 from my meagre £300 “savings” so she could get the train back home to attend since of course her weed smoking partner wasn’t “able” to give her it.

I was living in grotty flatshares and working full-time while she lived in a council flat not working and her partner did ad hoc cash in hand work. I was struggling to pay for any luxuries but yet consistently asked for things from her.

There were so many instances of me setting myself on fire to keep her warm. She was a taker. Not a giver. Anything she gave was to her partner and kids which is fine but then she shouldn’t have demanded so much from a friendship she had no intention of investing in.

I’d turn up with presents on her kids birthday parties but yet she would forget to send me a simple text most birthdays, despite knowing it was important to me.

She would talk for hours about childhood trauma that even her partner refused to listen to and then change the subject if I brought up anything I was struggling with.

I ended the 25 year friendship a couple of years ago and I have zero regrets other than it took so long to tackle my people pleasing tendencies.

I have did a lot of inner reflection to try and work out why I constantly over extended myself and ignored my feelings of discomfort when she would trauma dump on me. I take responsibility for my part in that imbalanced friendship and am committed to treating myself better from now on.

Ooops my previous message was a super long post, didn’t realise I had written so much, but I’ve summarised most of what I wanted to say in the first paragraph so read that if nothing else!

I would try and get to the funeral out of kindness to someone who is hurting but draw a mental line under that. When she starts sending messages just reply telling her you're sorry but you can't be her only support with this and recommend she seeks grief counselling. They do group sessions so being around others in the same boat would get her out of the house and meet others as well.

When we meet up because she doesn’t do a lot, there’s not always much to say. Same stories.
And she doesn’t like hearing what else I’ve been up to.
its hard, she’s on her own, her family are adult and living their own lives. She’s somewhere quite remote , says she’s happy with her own company, but yes there’s no one to share the load .She’s a really nice person but I don’t like feeling expectation . Op has it harder

OP that you felt you could have been some sort of selfish monster if you didn’t comply with such a massive ask tells you that intentionally or not she is manipulating you big time.

I’m from a culture where funerals are a big deal, I keep some holiday until late in the holiday year just in case and even I think what she’s asking you to do is a massive piss take.

Tell her you can’t come and see how she reacts.

Friendships have to nourish both people, OP. Absolutely, there will be times when one person is low/ill/grieving/in need and taking more than they're giving, but in a normal, well-balanced, healthy friendship, it will balance out over time. Yours doesn't sound like that. It's not 'monstrous' to not want to be someone's 24/7 unpaid service person.

You sound like a kind, caring person who is trying her best, to be a good friend. Your friend is draining the life out of you, physically and mentally. I absolutely understand that she's distraught due to losing her Mum, but the emotional pressure she's putting you under is not reasonable. The more you give in emotion/support, the more this woman will take.

You have your own health issues to contend with, very little annual leave left (which you had mentally allocated), no car and no funds to afford £140 in train fares. Plus the time aspect and the emotional side of attending a funeral.

I'm going to use this scenario to put my point across to you: if your partner suddenly passed away, and you asked this friend to come to his funeral, to support you, would she? You've never met her Mum, she's never met your partner. Be honest with yourself. My guess is, your friend wouldn't come to support you. In which case, your friendship is heavily one sided, in you being the friend and her taking but not giving in return.

The emotional blackmail, to pressurise you into attending the funeral, would make me back-off from the friendship. She shouldn't be expecting you to travel several hours, to attend a funeral of someone you've never met and didn't know...just to support her. If you lived half an hour down the road, on a bus route, it might not be such a big ask, but you don't.

My honest opinion is that you tell her you can't come to the funeral. You can't have the time off due to a colleague being off at the same time. You then stop being available. Switch your phone off in the evening/night. Stop answering phone calls and replying to text messages so quickly. Back away from the friendship, because it isn't one really, your friend is taking advantage of your good nature.

You sound like you're still intending to go if you can't get the time off?

I had a similar friendship, we met at school and then moved away but kept in touch. We used to be really close then she became what I can only describe as a 'Debbie Downer' (no offence to anyone called Debbie)

Every time we talked something awful had happened in her life (not huge life changing things, just everyday inconveniences and annoying things most people experience in life) but they were always worst than whatever I was going through and it got to the point where I dreaded hearing from her. I could never share good news because her life was so awful and if I was having a difficult time, you can bet she was having it worse.

It ended up affecting my mental health and I made the decision to cut the friendship off. I do miss the fun we had but it got to the point where nothing was fun anymore.

Prioritize your mental health.

Sounds like she ought to try to mend a few fences with her sister

This must be having a detrimental effect on your own life and relationship.
I think she needs some professional support. Your job pays for your own bills etc.
Maybe there is someone locally to her who could go to the funeral with her.

Personally I would be telling her you couldn't get annual leave. You have a partner and a life and your own mental health to consider.

You can't save everyone sadly.