Struggling with being my friends only support

Why don't you matter in any of this OP?
You have health issues, you want to use your leave for a break away, and you can't afford it. You matter too!

I know you want to be there for her, but I would be honest with her. You can't afford it, can she help with the cost? Tell her you may not get the time off work, even though you really want to support her. So you'll try your best, that's all you can do.

Just explain to her the situation with your car and how expensive the train is, and that you’re not sure you’ll get AL approved. Set the scene and talk it all through with her

I understand you not going and you have been a very good friend. I think if you don't attend, it will be the end of the friendship so you should take this into consideration.

Well, I’d rather bend the truth than have an online friend I’ve only met a few times, come to stay with me!

Yes…you said.

She should have offered to buy you a ticket. She did not. It shows complete disregard for your feelings.
I was like a mug in my early 20s, a shoulder for every friend of mine to cry on, totally supportive at the expense of my own private life. I thought it was my duty as a friend to support them. I remember clearly I was in the halls with very little money, hugely in debt, and one of my friend's father died in Spain and she left for Spain for the funeral. I remember calling her in Spain, to support her, from a phone box, how quickly pound coins disappeared, but she had no friends there she said. And then my dad died. Nothing from her, not even a card, and we lived in the same halls, she did not have to pay postage. I started thinking back and then realised - here it is, she did not even ask once, knowing how poor I was, can I call you back - give me your number - in those days (1997) BT phone boxes had numbers on the phone and my parents often called me back like that, into the phone box.
Tell her - no, I can't come. I am human too. I need those 2 days with my partner, I am tired. I can't afford such an expensive ticket and 2 days off work.
Try not to get so involved with other people's problems - emotional load can destroy.

I appreciate she's having a tough time if she's just lost her mum, and if course you would want to support at this time.

However...it sounds like she's just using you as a sounding board and someone to offload to. Texting or ringing every day is not a normal friendship dynamic. I have friends I confide in, but even during my darkest times I wouldn't ring them every day, I wouldn't want to worry and burden them, it's too much.

OK, I've got a slightly different take on this! OP you say you met on line in your 20's and have only met in petson a few times. You've never met her mum. She uses you as a personal sounding board to offload everything.

I wouldnt go to the funeral. I would tell her your annual leave request has been declined. Then start to pull back. Ignore the texts and phone calls, reply once a day then every couple of days. Can you put a do not disturb on your phone?, and when you do speak can you say that can only talk until xyz.
It's not your issue to solve that she doesnt have a job or friends, or is worried about being homeless. This doesnt really sound like a 2 way friendship- what do you get out of it?

Is this a two way friendship? (just glanced up and seen a PP has asked this too)
I honestly wouldn't go, you are currently doing enough. Just be clear you can't get the time off work.
I didn't expect any of my friends to come to my parents funerals, some did and I was grateful, but I know the difficulties of getting time off, expense of travel and juggling childcare. I don't think any the less of them.

…just not exactly the same comment.

She's got no family, no friends. No job, no car. Why is all this your problem?
She needs some more friends and support.. perhaps it's time things changed.

I think a PP was right when they said if you don't go it'll be the end of the friendship.
It all sounds very one-sided OP. What was she like before her mum's illness? Was she still using you as a sounding board then? IME with people who have no family, friends etc, there is usually a reason why.

I wouldn't go to the funeral. As you've said you can't afford it, no AL, no car, health issues...you have valid reasons to decline. A good friend will understand this.

I think you need to tell her you can't come, especially given your recent updates about her.

If you let this continue, before you know it she'll be asking you to let her move in with you.

This isn't your problem. You are not her emotional support animal. Please look after yourself and set some boundaries. You cannot go to her mum's funeral - financially or annual leave wise. You just can't. You are not a bad person for not being everything for a person who lives four hours away from you and has presumably driven everyone else away.

This is not your friend . Friendship goes two ways and it does not seem that she brings anything to your benefit . Her problems are not your problems , her relationship with her sister is again not your problem. You are not responsible for her mental wellbeing . This is unfortunately going to be ongoing situation especially if she depended on her mother . It's just too much .
Ideally you would like to be able to attend the funeral but you have no car atm, no AL left and the train price is exorbitant. So unfortunately you will be thinking of her but sorry that you can not go .
Then do not take any daytime calls or answer texts . Limit any evening calls you want to half hour .
Consider backing off from this . You have been kind but you also need to look after yourself.

I just don't understand why you would use up the last of your annual leave and spend money renting a car when you have absolutely no need to be there.

She's a user. I'm not surprised all of her other friends have dropped her.

So you're willing to sacrifice your last 2 days of annual leave that you were keeping to spend time with your family at Christmas - in order to pay to rent a car, that you cant afford to do, for someone who lives 4 hours away, who has no friends or family because shes driven them all away....and who doesnt reciprocate your level of friendship, because of .... what? - you feel guilty that your last person she can rely on?? .
I really hope you put yourself and your family first OP, this person isn't what I would call a good friend.

Health wise, if a train journey will exhaust you then won't a long car trip that is going to be incredibly stressful be equally exhausting and potentially unsafe? I know it would be for me.

I am afraid I agree with the many other posters - the living come first ( that means you - not your friend) and from what you have said I think you need your annual leave to relax and to help you manage your job rather than committing it to a friend who if they were a true friend would not ask this of you.

I would not ask this of you - and I am just an internet stranger who values your health and job security more than she does.

you need to pull back. it's not healthy for either of you. you can't fix her and she can't expect you to.

tell her you are sorry but unfortunately you have asked but cannot get the time off work for the funeral. cost doesn't matter if you can't get the day off so you don't need to mention money.

stop replying to every message and every thing in every message. stop being available to speak every day. cut the time you spend down. i'm sorry marie that you're having such a tough time right now. i'm thinking of you. sorry but i do need to go now. i'll speak to you soon take care. then end the call.

also don't offer advice. oh dear that's a shame. oh i'm sorry that sounds horrible, i hope things get better soon. but don't try and fix things.

You are basically her unpaid therapist. I think you need to massively step back and be honest with her and tell her it’s too much and you aren’t her therapist you are her friend and have a life of your own and 2 hours a day on the phone a day is ridiculous! The reason she has no one else is because she uses them !! She is too much and it’s all ones sided this “friendship ” and I da guarantee if you needed the same amount of support she would not be there for you and she would still make everything about her!!