AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

but "company" is the most important part and the bit its much harder to pay for. I have just seen that the OP has siad they have discussed sorting out paid care and paid domestic care and the SIL has said no it has to be family who do things which from personal and professional experience does not often work.

I guess your SiL is very upset and lashing out as a result. You are not BU but if you can be gentle/understanding with the way she is handling her grief then it may be that she eventually realises and changes or apologises.

If she lives alone, works from home and is spending a lot of her free time with her sick mother it’s possible she’s got no one asking her how she’s feeling or looking after her own emotional needs. That’s not to say how she’s behaving is acceptable, nor that you should make yourself ill by meeting her demands, but maybe someone should take a little care of her.

Oh ……. I had started my post before I read this.

Hmmm ……. SIL is being totally unreasonable. I hope your DH told her after she criticized your cleaning that going forward it would be wise to leave it to professionals.

She might also need a few responses like “don’t be silly”.

You will end up very ill if you don’t learn to say a firm, calm no to unreasonable nonsense like your SIL insisting you clean instead of paying a cleaner.

If she wants to compare workload, point out you have 2 parents, 4 children and yourself to get to appointments. Grey rock and if she wants to never speak to you again then that sounds like a bonus

Just say “I have my own unwell parents to care for, as well as the kids. This is for you and your brother to sort out”.

Your DH sounds a bit of a wet blanket. She should be telling his sister to leave you out of it.

I’d block your SIL if she doesn’t take the above on board.

Why on Earth did you agree to clean the house instead of paying for cleaners? You need to start saying no a lot more often. While SIL is being so unpleasant to you I suggest blocking her on your phone and letting DH deal with her messages. Let’s face it, whatever you do won’t ever be good enough for her so just stop.

She is being ridiculous and sexist obviously.

Goodness, she really is being unreasonable. You can sympathise with her, of course, but you don't have to agree with her or do as she asks. She isn't the boss of you - or DH. I get that he probably doesn't want to upset her but he really should have stood up to her and protected you from that ridiculous cleaning mission.

I think you (or more to the point your DH) will have to adopt that famous Mumsnet saying 'No is a complete answer'.

You/he have/has to man up and say things like 'that's not possible', 'that's not the best way to tackle this', 'I disagree with you, we will help mum more if we do this (other more reasonable thing)'.

And don't enter into debates. "Sis, I know you want the best for mum - so do I which is why I think X should happen. I don't want to see you exhaust yourself like this and Rats is already unwell. Mum doesn't want us all to make ourselves ill as well. So we can't do X, must do Y.

End of.

have suggested cleaners, carers, getting meals delivered and so on. SIL is very insistent that’s not good enough and that it has to be one of us doing it

The cleaning I did wasn’t good enough for SIL who sent a rude email to DH about how I hadn’t done things the way she wanted them doing

And you and your DH think this is totally normal and reasonable because...? I would be very happy if this twat never spoke to me again. You are correct that she is very controlling.

I'd start tallying up how many hours dh gives to the care of his dm.
And a list of his other responsibilities.
Get dh to send it weekly to sil.

I offered to organise a professional cleaner to do that. SIL insisted that wasn’t good enough, so on that occasion I organised childcare, did the four hours of driving and cleaned the whole house top to bottom. I was feeling absolutely awful and discovered that evening I actually had Covid. The cleaning I did wasn’t good enough for SIL who sent a rude email to DH about how I hadn’t done things the way she wanted them doing.

This is absurd - please stand up for yourself Op and your husband should stand up for you too and shut her down immediately .

How does this even happen? My own brother couldn’t insist I clean my mother’s house let alone my SIL insisting I clean her mothers house. Especially when I’ve offered to organise a professional alternative to me cleaning !

If you are "taking more off your husband's plate", what is he doing with that time? Is he just picking the nicer bits like visiting mum and having a cup of tea with her while his sister (is anyone taking things off her plate so that she can concentrate on her mum is doing all the "boring" /practical stuff in addition to her own commitments? If he isn't doing any of that stuff (you don't need a fanny to clean the house) then I can understand her resentment, but it should be directed at your husband, not you.

What you have described is nowhere near a 50/50 split. Having been through this scenario twice I strongly suspect that neither of you have any idea of the reality of what is happening on the ground and what your SIL is trying (and failing) to cope with. This work almost always falls to the sisters while the brothers offer to pay for things from a distance. None of this is your responsibility but it doesn't sound like he is hands on in anything other than paperwork on account of being terribly important and terribly busy. His mother is dying. This is a family crisis. He needs to go into crisis mode.

Is hospice care an option?

ETA- that may well be true. It wouldn’t be the first time a single child free woman has been left with most of the caring responsibilities for an elderly parent.

But she is still completely unreasonable to insist one of them clean the house when it’s a long-ish drive and they were willing to pay for a professional cleaner.

By all means SIL can make you responsible for some things if you want to accept that, but she doesn't get to tell you how you should do it.

I cannot believe you went and cleaned the house yourself 😟I think you realise how mad that actually is.

Anyway yanbu. I'm sorry your MIL is ill but you and DH are doing all that's reasonable in the circs.

I wonder if the refusal of the offer to pay for a cleaner was more about wanting him to be physically present rather than just paying for things from a distance.

Having been through this in the past year (my own mum was terminal and died), YANBU. It isn't your responsibility. I didn't expect my brother-in-law or my sister-in-law to directly do care. I appreciated when they facilitated my brother and sister being there.

But yet she was ok with OP doing it in his place?!

Doesn’t make sense to me. I feel if she was particular about wanting her brother to do it in person she would - or should- have said that.

You definitely need her to accept paid professional help. If she won't, it is her problem. Your husband needs to tell her.

Professional care can be expensive. Do you think your SIL is worried it will mean your MIL will run out of money. Does your DMIL have capacity to make decisions on care?

I do think it sounds like the bulk of care is falling on your SIL. Sorting our finances and ordering from Ocado is not the same as undertaking care and housework daily. It is likely to get worse unless you all agree a plan now. When MIL is lying on the floor after a fall and you receive a call at 1am and the ambulance takes six / eight hours to arrive, and the A&E pressurise the family to take her home and care for her, what then? Your SIL can’t be expected to do everything.

I think maybe she wants somebody, anybody, to just show up and be there. Until you have done what she is doing you can't imagine how hard it is. She's clearly not coping well.

Could he take holiday time from work and go stay with his mother for a few days.

To be honest, I think your SIL would be doing you a favour if she never speaks to you again. I understand this isn't the point of this post. I'd ignore her messages and direct any comments and communication to your DH. Really, it's between them.

You SIL sounds totally unreasonable and I think the more you accommodate her, the more she will expect. Sounds like theres no way you let her down gently so you will just have to accept she is going to be bitter and unhappy. From what you have said, you and your DH are doing more than most could manage in those circumstances.

It is quite ridiculous that anyone should be doing any cleaning when a cleaner can be employed.