AIBU to refuse becoming my mother-in-law's carer by proxy?

Other people can be very generous with time that is not theirs to dicate or volunteer.

It's not your problem, end of. You can support your DH as much as you agree between you (but equally, he doesn't stop being a parent because his mum is ill). I'd give her the benefit of the doubt about being worried about her mum and not very rational, but when people are behaving like that, they need firm boundaries.

I would just say what you've said in your 2nd to last paragraph and say that if she wants to stop speaking to you over it then so be it.

How is the sister in law's partner helping or other blood relatives? Don't get involved other than stepping up extra support at home to help your husband.

Block her from your phone, or at the very least mute her - it’s understandable that SIL is stressed and upset but she doesn’t get to use you as her punching bag.

I also don’t agree that you should be doing more with your step children so that DH can do more with MIL - your step children are here to see their father, not their stepmother.

It sounds like the needs of MIL and her current situation is exceeding the capacity that the family can support. It is time for carers/support to be outsourced to help fill the gaps - not everything can and has to be done by family members.

Your SIL is engaging in a spot of 'find the nearest female'.

Your DH is stepping up to help because you're taking on more at home - he and SIL need to manage it between them and not involve you.

Does SIL work?

You’ve barely joined the family . I would help where you can but certainly not to the detriment of other commitments and your health .

She's threatening to never speak to you again?sounds like a win..

Your SIL sounds unreasonable. BUT the issue is whether she's completely unreasonable and batshit or whether she's unreasonable to be upset with you but not unreasonable to be upset with your DH.

You are picking up slack a thome so your DH can do more. Great. But how much more are we talking? Is she still doing 80% while your DH does just 20% because, rightly or wrongly, I can see how that might make her very unhappy. She'd still be wrong to be blaming YOU for this, but she'd be understandably upset tha tyour DH isn't doing enough.

No, you're not being unreasonable but your SIL is. You are helping your husband by taking some of the load off of him at home. It's not your responsibility to be taking your MIL to appointments, cleaning her home etc. How much is your husband actually doing to help his sister?! Is your SIL taking her Mum to appointments, cleaning her home, grocery shopping, preparing food etc? Is your husband helping with any of those tasks? Or is your husband just visiting his Mum, and leaving the practicalities to his sister?

It sounds to me, as if your SIL is struggling to cope, and needs help. It may be that your MIL needs adult social care involved.

Life doesn't go on hold because someone is unwell. Your children and step-children still need a normal routine and telling you to effectively cancel birthdays etc, isn't fair on them.

Your husband needs to speak to his sister to discuss what care their Mum needs and to work out between them how that's feasible. If certain aspects aren't going to be possible for your husband or his sister to do, then they need outside help eg. Cleaner.

You need to have a conversation with SIL and tell her you can't do all those tasks for the reasons you have explained in your post. If she can't care for her own mother she and your DH will have to pay carers to come in. I am guessing your DH is working full time as well. You could all help at weekends if possible.

You’re right that what she is asking is unreasonable, and it is not your responsibility or indeed something you have capacity to facilitate. I am sorry she is not acknowledging the significant sacrifices you are already making on behalf of your MIL (and her).

It sounds from what you write as if you had a huge amount on your plate already, even without this new stress. Do you have any support in place for you? Friends, counselling, some blocked-off time to yourself?

Regarding your sister in law, do you know her well? If so, does past behaviour suggest she’s being true to form? If not, it may be a combination of extreme stress, grief and sleep deprivation making her lash out with this unreasonable demand, so perhaps in future you would be able to have a positive relationship with her. Anger is an easy emotion to express when it often isn’t the appropriate one. Carer stress and fatigue can be debilitating (you likely have your own personal experience of this) and I wonder if your husband and sister in law could explore any support through adult social care, or any charities?
I know respite care and packages of care, as well as permanent placements, are all options in some cases, but I am not sure how to tap into them from the community (rather than as part of discharge planning from hospital).

This is a not responsibility you need to (or indeed can) take on and I hope it helps you to read here that many others, who can view the situation with the relative objectivity of distance, share this view.

If you just let her fall out with you, will your DH have your back on that?

Dear SIL, please feel free to block me.

"I'll never speak to you again!"
"And...?"

Oh come on OP, don't be a mug. Do a bit extra at home to free up your DH to help his own mum but beyond that it's up to MIL's children. You have your own parents to look out for.

If your SIL never speaks to you again is it any great loss? She's just looking for someone to offload to, don't be that person. I would just ignore the messages.

Also, just to add: please do not feel any guilt about prioritising your children here (this also includes prioritising your own health, as you wisely acknowledge). This would be particularly the case if they have quite recently navigated changes in terms of new blended family dynamics. The relative security of being able to continue with their established routines as much as possible is so very important for your children and stepchildren.

I have been there except I didn't get nagged by a sil when my lovely Mil was dying, I took on running the home and aspects of my husband's voluntary work (no kids) so he could go to his mum and support his Fil as often as was needed. He was being treated for cancer at the time and on dialysis so I also became his intermediary with the hospitals (yes three) and his three consultants.

Tell your Sil to go fuck herself.

Block her.

MIL is not your problem no matter what her state of health. Her kids need to sort that out or get help in from outside if need be. You do not have a duty to llok after her.

The MIL care has been classed as woman's work. Don't get involved. Is your husband really that overloaded or are you carrying most of the work at home?

Just because you are female, doesn't mean you are better equipped to care for MIL. Let your DH and SIL do the caring while you keep his back free at home.

And just ignore SIL, she's emotional and abset and letting it out on you. She's an an all out bitch!

Neither you nor your DH has a duty to do the care your selves. What if you didn't even live locally?

For your DH or your SIL - Apply for Attendance Allowance under special circumstances ie less than 12 months to live. This is to pay for care. Get adult social services to do a full care needs assessment. Talk to her palliative care team. Ask about hospice care at home.

My dad was in this situation and we were getting care companies to come & do an assessment to see what care he needed. He then had a fall so the NHS took over and he was given hospice care at home funded by the local authority. He'd never expect his children's spouses (or his children) to do any of this stuff.

When my MIL was sick, her late daughter’s daughters, that’s MIL’s granddaughters, thought I should be doing more. My MIL had never been nice to me and was a very difficult woman. Putting that to one side, when my father was dying, no one expected my DH to help. There seems to be a lot of expectation on women to step up and be carers.

You are in the right here @RatsCatsandPuppies . Your DH needs to put his sister right.

DH and I have talked a lot about how I can best support here, and he says the best way I can support is to take things off his plate at home (eg doing more jobs around the house, helping more with my step children when they would usually be with him/us) so that he can use that time to visit his mum and help out.

Keep your wits about you and your eyes open.
9 months in and he has found a reason to drop doing his 'half' at home and leave you to look after his children.
He may be genuine, it may be that after MIL has died he goes back to properly pulling his weight at home and looking after his own children.
Or maybe he won't.

Judging by SIL attitude, you may have married into a family that has sexist expectations about 'women's work'. Fingers crossed that your DH is better than his sister in this respect.

Meanwhile, if SIL never speaks to you again, that is her problem, not yours.

If you make sure you're doing the same amount as you do for your parents, she can't complain you're prioritising one set of grandparents/step grandparents over the other. Maybe make a list, so if she gets mad and tells your husband she can't stand your behaviour in the future, you can prove it, and that could save your marriage, as only 9 months in, she might not come around and maybe doesn't have any closeness yet.