AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If this is how your mum handles Christmas I suspect she is difficult all round. You need to assert your boundaries every single time so that you can parent your child healthily. It's not good for you or your child if you are feeling stressed and manipulated. I hope you reach a point where it doesn't even cross your mind to check on MN because you feel strong enough to do what's right for you, your DP and DC in every situation.

Of course it’s not unreasonable to want what you want. Other people don’t have to like it but ultimately need to accept it and hopefully respect it. But it’s fair enough for them to be disappointed.

the only thing is, are you stringing your mum along a bit. You are saying you are telling her you haven’t made plans yet but it sounds like you have - you have made a plan to stay home. I think here just given clarity on what you’ve decided and if your parents are invited etc.

From experience I would say draw the line in the sand now. I spent a difficult Christmas day with a baby at the in laws who were very kind but I was tired he wouldn't feed we were home by late afternoon. After that we stood firm and I cooked Christmas dinner at home.

Say, No thanks Mum, you drank too much last year and weren't nice to be with. I know you don't remember it like that, but I do. We are having Christmas on our own this year.

You might find support here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5571390-august-2026-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Hi Op!

Your mother is my mother. Two years ago I actually pretended I needed to walk my dog with the kids round the block and we left and went home because I was too worried to bring up her being a bitch for the drama she would inevitably tell me I’d caused (when really it was her drinking and being horrible). Last year I really bit the bullet and told her no I’m not coming we are doing it indoors. It was amazing, my kids were chilled and happy and so was I and I had control of the day instead of eating gold leaf salmon and not being able to move anything because of the table decorations and listening to my mother say who’s drunk all the wine (when it was her) then crying at the table because no one had commented on the food for the fifth time 🙄. Just stay at home, we are doing it again this year and no one is getting presents again because we are ungrateful 😂

It doesn't matter why you had a terrible time or what your relationship is like with your mum. If you had an awful time you had an awful time. Just don't go, simple as that x

The dynamics have changed.

You are now your own family unit of you, your partner and baby. That's your priority now.

Your baby won't be missing out on a family Christmas because you and your DH are their family. They will be with you.

Based on last year and the pressure already from your mum I would definitely suggest Christmas at home. You don't need someone telling you what you can and can't do. Your mother seems to have missed the part where you are an adult with a family of your own now.

Perhaps arrange to visit for a while on Christmas morning or go for a while on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, just to keep the peace and keep contact, but don't be pressurised into more than you want.

But that’s happening because you aren’t being firm. Get firm. Stop deflecting the decision on to your DH!! You need to stand up to her, and state calmly that you are not coming on Christmas day as it was awful last year and because you want a quiet day at home. If she starts ranting, you interrupt and say that you’ve been clear with her and there will be no further discussion. Then end the call. Practise what you’re going to say so you don’t get flustered when she starts on at you.

Totally get you OP. My mum feels she’s ‘owns’ Christmas and I was accused of ruining things but trying to invite family to ours.
There was also a big drama about a non invitation of a dog which is another whole story.

Christmas is just one day, do what makes you happy. Maybe see your mum on Boxing Day?

There’s no way I would go there at Christmas after that! Just tell her straight - you were drunk and very unpleasant to me last year. I’m not up for any repeat of that. Not a chance.

Remember - you can just let her be angry. Let her. It’s not a problem. There is absolutely nothing she can do about it. Put your DH, baby and yourself first. Why would you subject your DH to an awful Christmas day? Focus on it from that angle and that should keep you resolved.

Your mum sounds hard work....of course YANBU to want to stay home with baby especially if being with your mum is as stressful and unenjoyable as it sounds...... Have a lovely Christmas at home with your own little family 🎄

How close do you live? You could possible invite them to you for a tea and mince pie on the day or Xmas eve

Christmas at home from now on. Might not be possible, but my parents always said they'd see one set of parents Xmas Eve and one lot Boxing Day, either going there or them coming for day - luckily we were only 90 mins apart. In time that changed, in that they were all seen a couple of weeks before (luckily everyone in roughly same area, so could be done in couple of days).

I have a great relationship with my parents but ever since having a baby we have had Christmas at home, just the three of us. It’s lovely! We then go visiting between Christmas and new year.

You just say its not all about you mum. Last year wasn't a nice experience for me you're right, and it was because if you. You pushing me now to do ehat you want is adding to that. But that's just part of why we don't want to come. We want to stay home with the baby this year, we will see you in the season but Christmas day is at home where we will enjoy our little family.

Granny here! We’ve never spent Christmas with our DGC (6yrs & 2yrs) as DIL’s mum insists they have to spend it with her whether at her house or at theirs.

DIL can’t say no to mum so we said rather than making life awkward for DS and DIL, they can carry on and we’ll see them another time.

The Other granny is re-married so she’s not alone but she’s quite pushy. When we visited for a family birthday for DH’s 60th, with both sets of adult DC, the other granny turned up at the restaurant, so we ended up inviting her to join us. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was quite annoyed as we live abroad and only see the adult DC and DGC annually so our time with them is very precious. DH found it amusing.

I think you should take a stand this year so that it sets a new precedent of you freely choosing what you want to do. Then she’ll realise that she can no longer manipulate you into complying with her wishes. I wish our DIL felt able to do that.

She has had her young children at home for Christmas era, it's now yours. She's grabbing your experiences for herself, and SHE is weaponising the baby actually, not you. Don't give in.

When my husband and I got our 1st house we spent with Christmas with one and NY with the other and alternated the following year.

As soon as we had our daughter we knocked both on the head and said we have an open door on both days but are not moving.

Took a couple of years before MIL stopped badgering but stick to your guns, it’s your decision. X

This is the reason not to go, not the baby.

First Christmas in my view isn’t actually a big thing. It’s actually great to be able to schedule Christmas dinner around nap time and get to eat with two hands. The baby will know absolutely nothing about what’s going on.

The Christmas you really want to be having at home is the first one where they will actually get excited and know what’s going on.

But you Mum sounds like a bitch so that’s more then enough reason not to go.

You HAVE to put your foot down on this and put your own family first or you’ll have years of misery.

My DH and I nearly found ourselves in a tug of war over what to do with our DD, before we just learned to say ‘We want baby’s first Christmas at home’, the the following year ‘Oh, we don’t want to make plans too early’ then actually deciding what we want to do.

Some of our family are stuck having christmases they don’t want with behaviour that would ruin the day if they let it. Our sacrifice is that Boxing Day is often a bit chaotic but having a calm Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our own special traditions is worth it. MIL does sulk but DH deals with it.

I absolutely refused to go anywhere for DS first Christmas, was was 5 months old.
Both sets of grandparents had open invitations, but neither came. I got loads of emotional blackmail from my mum, but I stood my ground.

It was lovely, we still had dinner and a proper Christmas but at DS pace.

Everyone got over their drama about it fairly quickly, it didn't cause any long term issues.

Edited as I have read your updates. Don't allow your mother to ruin birthdays, Christmas and other occasions with her behaviour. My dad was your mum, he's been dead for 9 years and I still don't forgive him.
Luckily I shielded DS from the worst and he only remembers "fun grandad " probably because he was pissed

On Ds26s first Christmas everyone wanted to see him- grandparents and great grandparents. So we went to visit them all. He was so unwell Christmas afternoon I said never again. If people wanted to see us they could visit us.

Tell your mum it's too much hassle to bring baby and all the paraphernalia to her house and too disruptive to babies routine so you are having a quiet Christmas at home this year.