This might be a long one.
Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 6 and have one child together plus my older dc from previous marriage. Life is full on, hectic and we probably don’t make as much time for each other as we should amidst the daily grind.
Dh is the breadwinner. He works hard and pays for most of our household costs, holidays, extras. I work part time and do the lions share of childcare, cleaning, life admin - we are a team and it’s hard work but we have our system and it works for us.
But I’m worried about our relationship. We don’t make time for each other. There is often resentment about who does the most and who is the most tired etc etc etc. I have some trust issues with Dh - he is the type of man who will keep things from me for an easy life. Usually trivial things but I have long since felt like he doesn’t view me as an equal - more like someone who he can give the time and attention and communication he sees fit to. But if he cant be arsed then it’s just tough.
He can be grumpy and opts out of family life (days out, school stuff etc). Our sex life isn’t brilliant and some of this is down to his secretive behaviour there as well. He has a particular sexual interest that I only found out about by pure chance. He never would have told me (it isn’t anything illegal or dangerous, just silly in my opinion). I don’t have any interest in it but have always remained non judgemental. I’ve found out recently he is subscribed to only fans where he is watching this sort of content. And it’s really upset me. I don’t mind porn, I don’t even mind that he is spending money subscribing. But it just feels so off. I’ve seen no evidence of him communicating or messaging anyone directly on there and in his mind I’m sure he’s just consuming the kind of content that interests him but this feels like a real wedge between us.
I know OF is an immediate LTB for some women but I don’t feel that strongly about the actual watching of it. I know he has a kink. I know I’m not interested so it’s only fair to assume he’ll view it separately as he can’t exactly turn off his feelings just because of me. But I still feel neglected and second fiddle. He is too tired for me but can watch this stuff?
I know there is love still between us. We have a lovely home and family. But we both need to communicate and make more effort with one another. I need to discuss this with him in a non accusational way but I want a frank conversation not him glossing over things through embarrassment or wanting an easy life. Any ideas?