Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

Yeah trying both could narrow down the problem.

My eldest didn’t eat any food at parties until she was about 8. She just struggled and would sit there. My youngest just found parties overwhelming but luckily as soon as he realised he doesn’t like big groups of people he started saying he didn’t want to go. Luckily his closet friends have done smaller parties and he’s fine with that. They’re both neurodivergent but function fine knowing their limits as they get older.

Do they actually like going to the parties?

They could just be overly tired

Poorly parented and lacking in respect for authority. It's your job as a parent to raise your children to be respectful and pleasant members of their community.

My 2 year old hates any party to end - even just a family dinner, let alone a play date with her friends. Floods of tears every time. I know she’s only 2.5 but I’d be really surprised if she’s majorly neurodivergent tbh. She’s just a party girl and gets massive fomo and never wants it to end!

I have two who struggle in different ways. One is life and soul of the party, running around all the time, but hates leaving and had to be carried out of parties when they were small. Possibly ADHD but definitely struggles with transitions from one activity to another when they're enjoying themselves.

The other hates arriving at parties, is overwhelmed by the noise and other children, won't join in and sits with me for the first part of the party but then warms up with support and generally has a good time.

Parties are difficult social occasions for kids to navigate so unsurprising that some struggle.

cant tell me why shes upset etc

Would she respond to more indirect questioning. A sympathetic, 'You're sad because the party's over' might elicit a response to correct you if it's a different reason. Or prompt her to think about what's upsetting her without being so put on the spot. It's often hard to identify why we feel a particular way, even as adults.

Sounds exactly like my auADHD son. Talking about it beforehand and the steps to recognise the end was coming sort of helped.

oh do get a grip

i don’t know any kids that haven’t felt like this at least once or many times. Those who suggest neurodivergence have zero clue about it. As a forum we could lift each other up as mums doing a bloody tough job, just a thought!
my little girls does this sometime as well with a few notable historic meltdowns, my niece and nephew were the same and are now fully functioning normal adults.
Sorry OP it’s a really tough one. I still give time warnings but have given up on any bribes or consequences and just told the parents she finds it hard at the end and she may need to be carried out 😂 they usually then share their stories of similar endeavours and we have a laugh x

Is it your 7 yo and one other sibling? How old are they?

What a weird interpretation.

It surely can't only be your kids... Parties are a recipe for disaster. Absolute overhyped mayhem plus a load of sugar then a sudden abrupt end. There's always at least one kid who cries at some point.

Your kids just sound overwhelmed, which is quite normal when you really think about the context.

Is it possible your kids have kind of learned it as a habit and also off each other if it's every time ? If so, some new post-party habits could help - leaving to something they enjoy at the end ?

She doesn’t hate home, it’s just not as thrilling as a party/other exciting activity.
Try not to react to her saying things like that or she’ll do it even more if she knows you’ll react in the slightest.

It is because it is quite unusual behaviour at that age.

Yes we can parent the autism out of our children.

OP I can relate to every single thing you’ve said. My DD is 5 and behaves exactly as you’ve described. I’ve had strangers point out she has ADHD but I don’t personally see it and think she doesn’t meet a lot of the criteria Nothing seems to help at all. I’m at my wits end!

She sounds like my 12 year old who was diagnosed autistic at 8.
Particularly the issue with playdates - crying and upset.

I really recommend reading up about autism in girls and starting to think of her as ND - you won't do any harm by acting as if she needs that extra support.

With the playdates - she will have been exhausted from school and it's too much for her. I came to a point of realising my child just couldn't do anything after school most of the time.

@hollybungalow im confused by your post. When you say posters who suggest neurodiversity know nothing 'about it' what do you mean?

I have an autistic child and remember very clearly all the moments where I began to see she was struggling with situations other children handled far more easiliy. of course these situations happen to all children sometimes - but with a ND child they happen regularly and in a much more obviously distressing way. As a parent you begin to notice that your child simply can't handle things like - groups/ playdates after a day at school/ other children trying to join their play/ anything unexpected/ transitions from one activity to another/ anything unpredictable.

I obvoiusly have no idea if the OP's child is ND! It isn't for me to say. But the point of a forum like this is for people to share their experiences.

Sounds like my DS. No neurodiversity but he is a very emotional boy. He is the same with playdates. I have persisted with hosting playdates because I thought practice might help and I think it has (as much as I've despised the fallout every time). At 8 he is now much, much better, but it has been a long road!
He would just get overexcited and overstimulated and it would always end up in meltdown or bad behaviour, he would be a totally different child in those scenarios. Absolutely fine otherwise ay home or school.
Don't take it personally, she will get there!

Sugar and food colouring doesn't help especially if there is some ND in the mix.

You could try a visual routine for her showing the timings. And then reminders, we arrive at this time and leave at this time. Then a timer on your phone, show her a 5 min, 3 min, 2 min and 1 min. Have everything ready to leave and ideally shoes on then just grab her and run. Also a distraction for leaving (sweets, iPad etc)

School staff may not have engaged with your concerns around possible neurodiversity because they do not see the side of your DD that you see. Schools tend to focus on whether they are coping with the work and if they behave well. It sounds as though this is the case at school, then the problems start out of school. She could be neurodiverse, but that’s a long road to investigate and you need something shorter term to manage things in the meantime.

Taking all of your posts together, it does seem that she struggles with larger gatherings and endings. Maybe after school when she’s already tired makes her less able to cope with her feelings.

It would be cruel to ban further parties if she loves them. So I would go to the next one expecting her to cry.

A few hours before the party
(not in the car on the way there) I would set expectations early:

”We are going to the party at 2 o’ clock and we will leave at 4 o’clock.”

Give her one reminder ten minutes before you leave the party (too many countdowns / reminders might make things worse).

Also give her a role that will distract her in those final moments:

“Your job right now is to find your coat and thank the birthday girl. Off you go…”

Then when that’s done, leave. Respond to tears with something like:
“I know. It’s hard when fun things end.”
So she feels heard. Don’t try to stop the tears. Don’t give her five more minutes. Be empathic but firm.

Then just drive. Let her cry it out.

When she’s calm later you can ask her what she found hardest about leaving.

Remember you’re a good Mum, and it’s quite normal to feel a bit worn down by this, but you will find a way.

Not really…overexcited, over stimulated, fear of missing out, tired, sad, emotional, too much sugar …

Many, many more observations and assessment, by a team of professionals required before an auADHD diagnosis.

I was surprised that crying at the end of a party would lead to a suggested diagnosis.