Why are my children always the ones crying and miserable at birthday parties?

Have you ever told her when you get the invitation ‘if you don’t behave nicely at the party AND when it is tome to leave’ you won’t be going to the next party? And following it through.
7 is way too old for this nonsense at home time. Sounds like 4 year old behaviour.

Sounds like ADHD, autism or both.

Seven x

Couple of suggestions
. Someone someone else to bring her out of the venue to meet you e.g 100m away
someone from the party drops her home

• stay until last until even party family leave
• do role play with dolls/toy/lego and mimic mum picking child up - where dd plays the mum and see if she can demonstrate how she might like to be picked up

We stopped the multi-fam playdate - too many kids touching her stuff at once - nope (i got it, wouldnt want them in about all my stuff)

• tell her best behaved to leave gets the best party bag (?) Or if we leave nicely we might be invited to more parties.... tricky one if possible mighf not be any more parties and that will stick in her mind. Also possibly too big an ask if she simply Cannot manage her big emotions yet.

Also cutting back on red and yellow food coluring at parties might help (and in life in general)

Have you tried talking to her about it away from the party? "I've noticed you find it hard to leave parties and was wondering why that might be."

I would try leaving and having something else to move on to, even if that's just going to Tesco or whatever. And tell her the plan in advance. Leaving with a friend might also help.

I would never diagnose online but this does sound a lot like my DS who is autistic and possibly ADHD. Especially what you say about struggling with larger groups: social interactions between more than two people are much more complex and so more draining for ND people. My DS has had disaster playdates when host families have also invited other children - it just gets too much for him.

This may sound crackers... but bear with me...
Is your daughter a summer born baby?

My DS was summer born, and all his school pals are older (best pals were autumn born) and they were just that little bit more mature /regulated, as they were a bit older than him in comparison 😇

Are you leaving early if you have to do a count down? Why not stay to the e NB d?

Sorry if this is too obvious a suggestion, but maybe don't go to parties and host playdates? They're not compulsory. If she's doing well in school, that's good! But maybe that's enough social interaction for her.

My DH has a t-shirt that says "You read my t-shirt. That's enough social interaction for one day."

We're all different.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 much better response than mine

Oh do F off

My 7 year old is a nightmare at parties and gets emotional about every little thing and particularly leaving. I hate them too, they are totally overwhelming. I have no idea how other adults can hold conversations with mayhem happening around them.

I do wonder if you are over egging leaving in some way and it’s then causing her to feel stressed? Perhaps a slightly more chilled approach, e.g. with my daughter I have learned to just say “we’re going in a minute” very casually. Then when it’s time to go I just say “it’s time to go” (again, casually, quietly) and I just leave. 9 times out of 10 she follows. I used to make a lot more of a big deal out of it as I thought it was good parenting (e.g. get on her level, look in her eyes, say it firmly) but I think that just pissed her off 🤣

on the basis of this comment, it would seem your parents didn’t quite succeed.

This is quite common in children who are hyped up on sugar and excitement and over tired. I know a few kids who were like this when they were younger. None are ND, not every behaviour is. It sounds like she’s just overtired and probably hyped from all the sugar, cake, excitement etc and really doesn’t want it to stop. I would remind her ten mins before the end then 5 and maybe say that she can have her party bag when she leaves the party sensibly- no crying, saying thank you etc.

My daughter is very similar - recently diagnosed AuDhD.

When it is repeated behaviour like this then it may suggest something is up.

Not really…overexcited, over stimulated, fear of missing out, tired, sad, emotional, too much sugar …

Many, many more observations and assessment, by a team of professionals required before an auADHD diagnosis.

I was surprised that crying at the end of a party would lead to a suggested diagnosis.

School staff may not have engaged with your concerns around possible neurodiversity because they do not see the side of your DD that you see. Schools tend to focus on whether they are coping with the work and if they behave well. It sounds as though this is the case at school, then the problems start out of school. She could be neurodiverse, but that’s a long road to investigate and you need something shorter term to manage things in the meantime.

Taking all of your posts together, it does seem that she struggles with larger gatherings and endings. Maybe after school when she’s already tired makes her less able to cope with her feelings.

It would be cruel to ban further parties if she loves them. So I would go to the next one expecting her to cry.

A few hours before the party
(not in the car on the way there) I would set expectations early:

”We are going to the party at 2 o’ clock and we will leave at 4 o’clock.”

Give her one reminder ten minutes before you leave the party (too many countdowns / reminders might make things worse).

Also give her a role that will distract her in those final moments:

“Your job right now is to find your coat and thank the birthday girl. Off you go…”

Then when that’s done, leave. Respond to tears with something like:
“I know. It’s hard when fun things end.”
So she feels heard. Don’t try to stop the tears. Don’t give her five more minutes. Be empathic but firm.

Then just drive. Let her cry it out.

When she’s calm later you can ask her what she found hardest about leaving.

Remember you’re a good Mum, and it’s quite normal to feel a bit worn down by this, but you will find a way.

You could try a visual routine for her showing the timings. And then reminders, we arrive at this time and leave at this time. Then a timer on your phone, show her a 5 min, 3 min, 2 min and 1 min. Have everything ready to leave and ideally shoes on then just grab her and run. Also a distraction for leaving (sweets, iPad etc)