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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry my son is too young to marry?

370 replies

Eralione · Yesterday 15:16

Afternoon,
DH and I have one DS he is 23 (24 in October), a teacher. He has been with his girlfriend since they were 14/15, they broke up briefly around 18/19 for about 4 months and have been together since.

He has just decided to propose and they have told us they plan to get married next summer, she will be 23 and him 24.

We recently used a deed of variation to pass on a large amount of inheritance which they have used to boy a property outright, I believe this is just in DSs name but I’ll be honest I don’t know as the money had nothing to do with us since we used a deed of variation.

Im worried they are far too young to being getting married and it may all end in flames. I don’t understand the hurry. I’m also worried this will compromise our son’s financial position.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MoonDancer1 · Yesterday 17:50

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 17:36

That someone has decided young marriage is the way to go for a mortgage free life where they no longer need a proper career? 🤔

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I mean it sounds like her career is music and her ambition was to be a music teacher or to be a musician. That is largely freelance and peripetetic so it's hardly as if she has changed course from the decisions she made at the age of 17/18. The decision to study music (presumably as she went to the Conservatoire) is the same. It just means that now the same decision is easier.

oatybiscuits · Yesterday 17:50

Yabu. But even if you weren't, raising your objections will achieve nothing except to make them more resolute, fracture your relationship and if the do have difficulties, make it harder for him to talk to you about it. Fwiw I got married when I was 22, my husband was 27 and my mil told him he was too young. It put a bitter taste on their being at our wedding but wouldn't have changed anything. We are still married 17 years later (having had lots of adventures together before settling down and having kids) but there's always that point between us and mil

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:49

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Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:48

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Tablesandchairs23 · Yesterday 17:48

They're grown adults. Been together a long time. Don't see the problem

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:48

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AprilMizzel · Yesterday 17:47

Eralione · Yesterday 17:46

I don’t know when marriage talk began, how would I? I don’t want to theorise she’s doing it for money, I don’t believe that or have evidence of that.
Nothing sinister needs to be happening for me to be worried it’s too young.

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When would be the right time for him to propose in your view?

Om83 · Yesterday 17:47

Me and most my friendship group were engaged at 24 and married at 25, perfectly normal! For my group babies came 27-33. I’m not sure how old you think he needs to be? This seems a perfectly normal timeline?

he sounds like he is mature enough given he has a steady job and they have bought a house… He’s not living at home like a teenager and they have been together for a decent time. do you just secretly not like her?

Original poster
Eralione · Yesterday 17:46

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 17:40

She wasn’t discussing marriage at 14. Going by the OP the marriage talk appeared about the same time as the money did.

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I don’t know when marriage talk began, how would I? I don’t want to theorise she’s doing it for money, I don’t believe that or have evidence of that.
Nothing sinister needs to be happening for me to be worried it’s too young.

OP posts:
Tiredalwaystired · Yesterday 17:44

My sister celebrated her 25th anniversary this year. She’s fifty in a couple of months. They have a wonderful marriage.

it sounds like they know they’re right for each other. Plus they’re adults so it isn’t really your decision to make.

HisNibs · Yesterday 17:42

BatchCookBabe · Yesterday 17:38

I agree. However, a prenup isn't worth the paper it's written on in the UK anyway. They are not legally binding.

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Agree completely, especially given that the relationship was well established before the money was received and the house bought. Whilst prenups don't have any legal bearing in the UK, the courts will consider the relationship as a whole, not just from the time of marriage

ThatAquaRobin · Yesterday 17:40

DurinsBane · Yesterday 17:36

If he insists on a pre-nup, she shouldn’t marry him. He shouldn’t marry her if he decides he wants one. Don’t go into a marriage planning the split up

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Agree.
If he did this and told her it's because of your views on this, she'd be well within her rights to walk.
It's a marriage.

emptygoosenest · Yesterday 17:40

You have given this money and he is choosing to share it. This was always likely to be the case at some point in time and is better than the alternative of him being alone.
He is young by today's standards to get married but it doesn't seem a bad decision on the face of it and good or bad it's his choice.

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 17:40

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She wasn’t discussing marriage at 14. Going by the OP the marriage talk appeared about the same time as the money did.

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 17:39

DurinsBane · Yesterday 17:36

If he insists on a pre-nup, she shouldn’t marry him. He shouldn’t marry her if he decides he wants one. Don’t go into a marriage planning the split up

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With respect, that’s rose tinted nonsense and the reason so many women are on the relationships board complaining about a shit marriage with a cheating husband that they are stuck in for financial reasons. I brought the sale of a property I owned individually to my marriage and while we jointly own our property now, my input is fully protected. I worked for ten years prior to marriage to build up that level of security and independence. My husband 100% agreed by the way!

BatchCookBabe · Yesterday 17:38

DurinsBane · Yesterday 17:36

If he insists on a pre-nup, she shouldn’t marry him. He shouldn’t marry her if he decides he wants one. Don’t go into a marriage planning the split up

Show quote history

I agree. However, a prenup isn't worth the paper it's written on in the UK anyway. They are not legally binding.

HoraceCope · Yesterday 17:38

Even if they wait 5 years you could still be worried

VanCleefArpels · Yesterday 17:37

Eralione · Yesterday 15:48

Gosh no, she’s lovely, I think she’s great and she and I have a wonderful relationship, she’s a lovely young woman, very kind and talented. It’s not about protecting DS and more them both, it’s young to get married, the house they have bought is in the village she grew up in, I’m worried they are just settling so young when they have much of the world to see!

And yes it does worry me about the 50% of the house would go to her not because I don’t think she’s lovely but because I passed it on to DS, tbh I should have thought it through before I did it but I was grieving and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

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Did you think he’d never get married to anyone?? And for what it’s worth there are suggestions that this government will give cohabitees the same financial rights as married couples so it wouldn’t make any difference either way. I’m afraid that once you transferred the funds to your DS and he bought a house this is precisely the type of scenario that wood arise sooner or later. Time to come to peace with that and get excited about a wedding!

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:37

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Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:37

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DurinsBane · Yesterday 17:36

Itsthewoluff · Yesterday 15:27

I’d be worried too. Would he be open to the idea of a prenup? I know they aren’t legally binding but they have some sway. You could tell him to blame it on you insisting, especially since you presumably signed the deed of variation in his favour. Tbh I’d probably have actually already had that conversation before I signed it over.

If he insists on a pre-nup, she shouldn’t marry him. He shouldn’t marry her if he decides he wants one. Don’t go into a marriage planning the split up

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 17:36

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That someone has decided young marriage is the way to go for a mortgage free life where they no longer need a proper career? 🤔

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:35

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BatchCookBabe · Yesterday 17:35

Eralione · Yesterday 15:16

Afternoon,
DH and I have one DS he is 23 (24 in October), a teacher. He has been with his girlfriend since they were 14/15, they broke up briefly around 18/19 for about 4 months and have been together since.

He has just decided to propose and they have told us they plan to get married next summer, she will be 23 and him 24.

We recently used a deed of variation to pass on a large amount of inheritance which they have used to boy a property outright, I believe this is just in DSs name but I’ll be honest I don’t know as the money had nothing to do with us since we used a deed of variation.

Im worried they are far too young to being getting married and it may all end in flames. I don’t understand the hurry. I’m also worried this will compromise our son’s financial position.

AIBU?

I agree @Eralione that 23 is too young to get married, and most people in real life will agree too... But on Mumsnet, many people will disagree, and regale you with tales of how they and their parents and siblings and cousins etc etc, ALL got married between 18 and 24. If you had said you want him to get married (at 23,) the general consensus would be 'don't be silly OP, he's too young! '😆

I wouldn't take too many of the posts seriously, or the poll result. Many of the posters saying 23 is fine to get married, will say 33 is too young to have a baby, and that you have LOADS of time left yet, and everyone they know didn't have their first til they were 41!

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 17:34

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