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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

294 replies

NCforobviousreasons1 · 05/09/2026 17:16

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

OP posts:
OldScribbler · Yesterday 21:06

Sit down with her and ask her quietly to explain why. If that doesn’t work you have a problem and she has a worse one.

Redpaisley · Yesterday 21:10

elQuintoConyo · 05/09/2026 17:25

Lol! Change the internet password when she comes back? Stop paying phone/car/food?

I'd tell DS, if he pulled something similar, "got €100 for your gaming computer on wallapop, cheers mate!" and send a pic of DH and I drinking cocktails!

i like this response. I would tweak the message to - welcome to adulthood. Time to pay your bills.

Redpaisley · Yesterday 21:11

fruitbrewhaha · 05/09/2026 17:21

What was the job and does it matter if it’s done today or next week? And can she get it done next weekend with out any bother?

Where has she gone? It’s the last of the summer, and nice weather. There may not be many more opportunities.

Even if work could be done another weekend, her attitude is a problem.

vinhoepimenta · Yesterday 21:26

Can we have an update op? Is she back? What happened?? 👀👀

Redpaisley · Yesterday 21:31

trikonasanallama · 05/09/2026 18:02

Good lord, the number of people who are happy to burn the relationship with their daughter to the ground. "Selling posessions on ebay" - come on. Why would you escalate this?
Behave like an adult, treat her like an adult. Firstly, this sounds like this is out of character - I'd explore that first. And then tell her that she needs to repay the money and that she's let you, and presumably whoever she was supposed to take to the airport, down.

What exploring would you do? Like someone forced her to take the money and not do the work by putting a gun in her direction?

I agree extreme actions don’t help but there should be some punishment whether in addition to returning money, asking her to start paying towards the bills or cutting her birthday gift money, etc.

DisforDarkChocolate · Yesterday 21:34

Those are two pretty big problems, and now she's a thief.

She'd be out of my house because she can't be trusted. What's next when she fancies a holiday, selling your jewellery?

riceuten · Yesterday 21:50

VividPinkTraybake · Yesterday 20:56

Do you not think there is a half way between doing nothing and changing the locks?

Show quote history

Actually, if you read what I wrote elsewhere, that's not what I proposed at all

Anarchy99 · Yesterday 22:23

OldScribbler · Yesterday 21:06

Sit down with her and ask her quietly to explain why. If that doesn’t work you have a problem and she has a worse one.

And what could she possibly say that would make anything better?

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 22:26

She would never be prepaid for anything ever again. Put it down to experience, she can deal with the consequences.

OldScribbler · Yesterday 22:26

I believe it may force her to confront the reality of the situation.

Anarchy99 · Yesterday 22:28

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/09/2026 20:18

Agreed with pp, paying in advance was not very sensible, but selling her stuff is not treating her like an adult. You actually wouldn't be able do this to any another adult without a court order, so it is really just infantilising her to do that. Also it would be grossly disproportionate because that the cost to her of buying replacement items would almost certainly be multiples of whatever you would raise selling the stuff.
I'd go for changing the wifi password at home, and refusing to fund anything for her that you would normally assist with until the value of that is equal to the money she essentially scammed out of you.

She is behaving like a child so it seems fair to punish her like one.

At 19 I would expect her to be able to change the WiFi password herself or use her data or whatever (which I assume Mummy pays for).

Its getting off lightly and for someone who protests they are an adult, she’s surely not behaving like one.

When she pulls this shit at work (assuming she will be working at some point), the boss is not going to gently sanction her til she’s paid everything back.

At 19 she should know the difference between right and wrong- I assume she’s never had to face the consequences of this kind of thing so she knows she will get off lightly

Anarchy99 · Yesterday 22:30

OldScribbler · Yesterday 22:26

I believe it may force her to confront the reality of the situation.

By asking her to explain? How does that work?

She is just as likely to lie through her teeth or just not explain.

I probably would have been an absolute shit of a teen if I thought the worst thing I would have to face was disappointment and a request to explain myself

ArtieChoke · Yesterday 22:45

Anarchy99 · Yesterday 19:35

She can’t sack her, no, but what are the chances that the OP would stick to not doing the chores? The fact that the DD fucked off in the first place hints that she doesn’t care about consequences. Also if she was pulling her weight, not doing the chores wouldn’t affect her as she should be doing her own cooking, washing etc and also some of the housework.

Turning her phone off was incredibly immature but she clearly doesn’t think anything will happen as a result

Show quote history

where is your evidence that op wouldn’t stick to doing the chores? Op came for advise - I’ve given mine. Nobody can enforce op follows through with anything, from changing the locks to sitting and talking to her

op said the dd was entitled, people that are entitled like things done for them, so withdrawing services would imo hit her hardest and make her grow up and fend for herself - thus my suggestion

if you don’t like my suggestion, fair play, but don’t come up with stuff that hasn’t happened

VividPinkTraybake · Yesterday 22:45

riceuten · Yesterday 21:50

Actually, if you read what I wrote elsewhere, that's not what I proposed at all

Show quote history

No......but other people have and me and the people you were replying to were talking in general, not about you, but you replied to them so I am replying to you

Anarchy99 · Yesterday 23:42

This is a 19 yo woman who clearly thinks that stealing money, letting someone down so she can fuck off for a weekend and turning her phone off when asked to pay the money back is reasonable.

Entitled behaviour doesn’t suddenly start overnight. She’s clearly got away with it and is continuing to push.

Thats okay at 13 but at 19 it’s a concern. I wonder whose the car is. If it is OP/DH’s car then they stop her using it. She needs something to shock her into growing up.

Motuihe · Today 00:15

ImmortalSnowman · 05/09/2026 17:18

Change the locks while she's away. Adult with free will can find her own place to live.

Cruel but effective.

Motuihe · Today 00:17

You should invoice her all the costs she has ....cost you the last 19 years!😅

Motuihe · Today 00:18

riceuten · Yesterday 21:50

Actually, if you read what I wrote elsewhere, that's not what I proposed at all

Show quote history

CHanging half the locks...

Bargarran · Today 01:30

fruitbrewhaha · 05/09/2026 17:21

What was the job and does it matter if it’s done today or next week? And can she get it done next weekend with out any bother?

Where has she gone? It’s the last of the summer, and nice weather. There may not be many more opportunities.

I see the daughter of the OP's got herself a Mumsnet login...😃

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