To ask for advice re private school dispute

You will have to build your relation with her reminding her that private is a luxury for few families and her dad is bonkers. Even teenagers understand this. Her friends will most likely attend state too.

Let him be angry and resentful.

My ex husband was the same. Our son is 23 now, and hasn’t gone down a path in life that my ex would have wanted him to.

And still, I got the comment “you should have used all the money I gave you* to send him to private school. Then he wouldn’t be like this.”

*maintenance. That he held over my head for a decade. I should have spent it on private school fees, rather than buying booze and living the high life on it, eh? 🙄

Hes going to hate you for as long as he lives. It will eat him up. It’s doesn’t end when they are 18, there are lots of reasons you may still need to communicate, and even if you don’t, they will still try to get at you through your adult child. Let him get on with being bitter.

So strange to see people saying that a court can’t order somebody to pay fees. Of course they can, and this is an Order that you see fairly often in divorces involving one wealthy partner. They can order people to make all kinds of payments and financial arrangements (child support beyond CMS, spousal maintenance, hand over assets etc).

The point is that they won’t order somebody to pay for something they can’t reasonably afford.

The problem is if you agree to the child attending and signing the school contract they will come after you for any paid fees.

Be clear with your child that you can afford the fees so cannot agree to them attending in case Daddy doesn’t pay them.

He sounds so nasty that this could be his plan - suddenly stop earning money etc just to screw you over.

I think you’d need to raise this as part of the case, risk he’d stop paying - and at that point no state school place - so your lawyer would have to argue that he’d have to pay the whole lot up front.

They can't.
Most parents can'tpsay private fees. Only 6% children attend private schools. It's a luxury. Not a choice for most families.

Don’t attend the open days. I also suggest consulting a solicitor, and threatening to challenge your ex husband in court. The court will rule with what your daughter will be comfortable with but he’d have to argue that he’d pay the whole amount - possibly up front - for the court to have any prospect of ruling with him.

The bloody cheek of him not only trying to bulldoze the choice of school but "make" you pay half. It's unlikely he would get a court to order private school without clear reasons and extremely unlikely the court would order you to pay anything especially as this would be very tight financially and given that you don't want to!

Personally I only know one instance where court ordered private school and it was due to very specific circumstances/reasons. My friend had a really difficult ex. He was a company owner and rolling in it but could arrange the paperwork to look like he earned next to nothing. His refusal to pay maintenance was motivated by him wanting complete control over how friend spent it and was wound up by the idea that she'd use it all for hair, nails and wine (that old chestnut).His "case" was that he would be willing to pay 50% private school fees instead. Of course he thought this was a cunning plan to force friend into paying the other 50% thus also controlling how she spent her own more limited income. Friend planned to fight this but then to her surprise secured a 50% bursary offer from the school on the grounds of the child's dyslexia. So she aquiseced to the application on the basis that the bursary should be considered "her" contribution. The court agreed and ordered the ex to pay the other 50%. He was hopping mad as really it was all about control but he was stuck with it. Served him right. (Sorry that was a massive digression but thought it was a satisfying story to share. )

Of course court can order people to pay, and as I said upthread I know of several cases where that happened.

I used to work in private school admissions and admin, and we had several kids there where there was a court order compelling one parent to pay the fees and we adjusted our contracts to reflect that only one of them had financial liability.

But in every case that I know of that parent could clearly comfortably afford the fees AND the parents had previously agreed on private school and the kids had already started that route, and the court decided they should stay in that system as moving would be disruptive.

Right, but was he paying for it all? in that case fair enough. It probably would have been a better choice in a lot of cases.

But I really, really doubt a parent could be forced by a court to pay half the fees.

I wouldn’t go to the private open days at all. I’d keep gently repeating to your child that you can’t afford to pay half the fees so it’s not an option. Can you attend the grammar and outstanding state open days though as balance? What year is she currently?

id also look into resources around arming her against him. You dont have to badmouth him but you also dont have to say nothing at all.

I think I’d also see a solicitor just to get some advice on the situation as, while he couldn’t force you to pay half, he could (I believe) force you to send her private with him paying 100% then when she was settled (or even at a key point such as during gcse’s), he could say he can no longer pay and leave you between a rock and hard place of paying or see your dd suffer.

He can ask the court to make the decision re school if you can't agree, and the court would listen to the advantages and disadvantages of both options.

The court would never force you to pay fees, particularly when there is an outstanding free alternative, so private school would have to be on the basis of him paying. You should ask that he demonstrate that he can afford to pay the full fees himself for the duration of her schooling. If there's a risk he can't then there's a strong argument it isn't in her best interests due to the social and educational impact of having to change school part way through.

You take her to the open evening for the local outstanding one.
Presumably many of her friends will be going there.
You don't go to the private school visits.
You tell your ex to do one.

What is the split of your and your ex-husband's finances post divorce?

As other posters have said, he cannot force you to pay towards your daughter's private school fees. You also have the added advantage of living in the catchment area of an Ofsted Outstanding secondary school so he cannot argue that your daughter will be educationally disadvantaged by not attending a private school.

Only about 7% of children in the UK attend private schools so your husband is the outlier here, not you.

If your ex-husband offered to pay the private school fees in full, would you agree to her attending your husband's choice of school?

Court can't order you to pay what so ever - most parents simply don't have that kind of money.

Let him take you to court.

It would be hilarious. Does he think you will be forced to pay school fees?

What a deluded idiot.

Why? If you don't want your child to attend or pay the fees?

I would be considering sending a letter via a solicitor stating that you desire for her to go to the local secondary school and will be completing the standard transfer forms at the appropriate time, also that you will not be contributing to any private school fees. Do not attend open days as it mixes the message. I’m not sure if a court has actually been involved in such a case but hopefully a letter from a solicitor will suffice

Do NOT go to open days.

Obviously the facilities are far better because they have much more money than state schools. Taking her to see them and enrolling her in a state school is "This Is What You Could Have Won."

It's just mean.

There's no point showing her any of it if it's a definite No from you.

I agree with you, but I can't deny the local private school has amazing sports and language facilities compared to the local state school. Our kids had swimming lessons there on weekends and it was a real eye opener. How the other half live...

This, why on earth would you attend when you have made it perfectly clear this is not an option.

I think the school would need both parents to sign the contract agreeing to pay the fees so I would think carefully before going along with this if you don’t agree.