To ask for advice re private school dispute

Yes but if (for example) the dad quits his job and can no longer afford the school fees then the court can’t make him magic up the money. If the OP agrees to private school on the basis that ex will pay, and he then stops paying, she and her daughter are left in a very tricky situation.

I am sure most children would be privately educated and having long haul holidays money not being an issue.

6% are in private schools. OPs daughter will do fine.

Your ex-husband cannot force you to pay half the fees. Perhaps your child will get a scholarship. Let him have the chance to go there if he is eligible and passes the entrance requirements. He may well like the school, if not doesn't have to stay there.

Absolutely do not attend the open days or commit to this. I say this as a private school governor. For a host of reasons, school fees are currently rising rapidly, and unless you can comfortably afford it now (not via scrimping) you will murder yourself to keep him sweet. Be honest with your daughter - some people like dad think private schools are best, but really, only 6% of children go to them. There are perfectly good state schools open to you, and we can use the money I save on hobbies and some really great holidays. That should do it.

Your ex needs to understand there are private schools and private schools.

There are very good ones. And fees are high. And they are often well known.
There are middling ones that are okay. But excellent state schools if nearby will give them a run for their money.

Then there are the ones to appeal to aspirational parents who simply want to be able to say their child goes to a private school. And the schools exploit that to the hilt. But the standard of education will not be that great at all.

You know the schools in your area. And need to look at the private ones he is suggesting or looking at. Paying half the fees will be the bare minimum of costs to meet. Does he realise that ?

Don't go to the open days as it implies compliance. Explain that all schools have good and bad sides and why you think the state school is great. Tell her you moved to be in catchment of this school. Where are her friends going? How far is the private school (travel to /from and weekends with peers will be easy/difficult?)

Just say no and stand firm.

Right….but they can go to a school. They can go on a holiday. Unless the argument here is that more expensive things are always better?

that would be a very materialistic way of looking at things, and not one I’d agree with.

She is missing out on something.
I would love my childen to go private! Or a holiday to New Zealand.
We can't. End of story.

Only attend the open days if he is winning to pay 100% and even then this is risky if he decides to stop paying at the drop of a hat she will have to find a new school anyway.
You can't afford it. Don't be bullied.

Don't think new husband has to go to the open day tho. You are there to look with your DS. Interaction with her dad only needs to be minimal.

Good luck
X

aside from the practicalities of which school, I would be very very concerned that he’s intending to involve your young child in a manipulative triangulation dynamic against you. It seems clear to me that he’s trying to plant a narrative within her of “daddy is trying to give you better opportunities and mummy is refusing.” Basically trying to turn her against you.

I would genuinely be tempted to get some professional advice about this, whether from her nursery teachers or a family therapist. I’m sure this is something that’s likely to come up again and again as she grows up.

i wouldn’t put too much emphasis on the fact that you can’t afford private school fees, as that just legitimises his narrative that private school would be preferable and that she’s missing out on something.

in my amateur opinion, I would be talking so positively about the local state school she’ll be going to, all the lovely things about it & the benefits of state over private (there are many!)

No. He shouldn't.
He is not an evil stepdad because he doesn't step up and pays for a private school - a luxury for only 6% of children.

If he were devoted to your child, he would say 'are you mad, you both have this amazing opportunity - look, your ex pays 50% and you and I pay 25% each and my lovely stepdaughter goes to a private school - such a privilege, lets do it'. Let us give her what only 7% of the children in this country have. Who knows how her life will pan out, but at least we shall know that we gave her this privilege when we could'.

If you are against private schooling - this is fine, I don't doubt your motives and that you have your child's best interests at heart, but if a stepfather is against private school, sorry, it does not pass the smell test.

You are going to have to be assertive here and put this in writing. Private schools can be fabulous, but they also come at a cost.

"Dear <twat ex name>.

As DD is now 10 years old, we need to agree on a secondary school for her.

Looking at the options, close to me/us is X school, which is an excellent state secondary school (which lots of her friends will be doing to???) and as I(we) live in catchment she would get a place at the school. The application deadline is 31st October. I think we should submit the application for this school in good time.
You have also expressed an interest in DD going to a private school. Unfortunately I do not have the financial means to pay for this option, but if you are willing and able to commit to paying for a private school and all associated costs above that of a state school, then I am happy to consider this option, as it would be unfair to rule out your preferred school based purely on my own finances.
Moving forward, it would be sensible to apply for the state school place, then should you wish to continue with the application to a private school and enrol DD in private school, we can then decline her state school place.

Please let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Cicchetti"

In that case it would be the dad going to court if he stopped paying fees as he wanted the child to go private.

I’m not a family lawyer, so won’t be citing case law.

I’m telling you from personal experience that I know of several families where one parent was in fact ordered by court to pay private school fees. As I said, in all of those cases the parent had previously agreed to private school and there were compelling reasons to keep that child in their private school.

I don’t think you can have read my previous comments properly as you are talking about forcing somebody to pay for school that “they haven’t ever agreed to” and I have never once suggested or even implied that this would happen!

And if court could rule... - for what money would the fees be paid if a parent doesn't have them?

PR campaign? I think Harry Potter did all that, no need for a campaign.
Also, are you sure it is not your current husband who is stirring the shite against paying 50%?

I would also ask your DD, why do you think Daddy wants you to go to private school and look at them when he knows I can’t afford it?

Your DD needs top notch critical thinking skills to survive him.

How can a court force a parent to pay for private school fees if they have never agreed to put their child in a private school?

No child has a legal right to demand that their parents pay for a private education, and no parent has a legal duty to privately educate their kids.

Point to relevant case law if you have examples, but I don't believe for a moment that a court could force a parent to pay for a private education that they haven't ever agreed to.

I wouldn’t attend the open days, I also think you need age appropriate truth.

I can’t afford it, Daddy knows I can’t afford it and he isn’t prepared to pay for all of it so I don’t understand why he is saying you could go.