To ask for advice re private school dispute

No it doesn't matter if a child wants to attend a private school. If parents can't afford it or want it - end of story!

Private school isn't a right any child has.

But in this situation it wouldn’t. She’s not already at the private school. Her mum can’t afford it. It doesn’t matter if her dad has put it into her head that it’s better. What does OP do, magic the money out of thin air?

This. My kids went to private school until 16 and then moved to state school. With the youngest it was because of GCSE disaster and our feeling that he has perhaps not had the support he needed or that they had not picked up that he was flagging and got us involved. At £26K pa through secondary and reassurances he was on for grades 7-9, we were gutted as he ended up in a local tech college (grades not good enough for the highly rated 6th forms in the area).

However, he flourished in tech college, left with amazing A levels and will be at uni with several of the friends who remained at his private school - doing the same course as one of them and with very slightly better A levels… only we have saved £62k to achieve the same results - so university is now paid for. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The value (or not) of private school is an impossible question to answer without knowing the child and the other alternative provision.

My eldest brother went to a well-regarded independent school.
The second went to the local (at that time not very well-regarded) comp
My sister and I went to the super-selective grammar.

All of us have achieved much the same academically and professionally. All of us have stable lives, and none of us is better or worse adjusted than anyone else.All are equally comfortable socially.

It never occurred to me that I would ever send my child to an Independent school, but she has just started one in year 7. For her, it made sense as she wishes to pursue a highly competitive non-academic pathway. I need her to have a ‘proper’ education alongside it, and the school she is going to is used to supporting young people following these routes in a way that, for example, the local grammar could not.

Thinking about it, I would not have survived at my brothers’ schools. I was fat, nerdy, extremely academic, completely unsporty and interested in classical music. I was also hugely sensitive and would have been crushed by the bullying that my other attributes would have invited. The smallish school of equally nerdy girls was the best fit for me, and allowed me space to be that weird teenager in peace until I had grown out of it/learned how to present myself socially.

We can’t say what is right for your child, I would say go to the Open Days, even if for nothing else than preventing the narrative that you wouldn’t even consider it.

If it affects them then I have known cases of thier views and opinions being taken into account
it’s a school place so it massively affects them

Why would the court have an interest in the child's opinion? It doesn't matter what the child's opinion is!
Of course the child's opinion matters, it will be their own experience. It's actually a European human right the UK signed up to that a child voice should be heard. Doesn't systematically mean their voice will be the final outcome but it's important that they should be heard and that's any age from 8yo in some instances, definitely 10yo

I can't believe anyone would believe that their voice doesn't matter.

Just say no and be firm.

Why would the court have an interest in the child's opinion? It doesn't matter what the child's opinion is!

The PR campaign is irrelevant. He is doing the same any parent who support their kids getting a private education do. Ultimately, at 11, kids already have a good idea whether it's something they'd like or not however their parents sell it to them or not.

This is however not something you can afford or want to afford and that is absolutely your right. He either pays all or almost all.

If he refuses, you just need to be clear to your daughter that it's not your against it but really can't afford to pay 50%.

The child’s opinion wouldn’t matter. OP can’t afford to pay it. and even if she was a billionaire, she couldn’t be forced to pay it, in this situation.

I agree with this. Speak to a solicitor about stopping this whole private school thing dead now. Before school viewings

I suspect many men like this see weaponising children as an easy option to get a reaction from their exes. What a coward is he.

It’s great that you have a supportive DH. Have you also had therapy? I imagine there are lots of good books on minimising the impact of abusive and narcissistic exes. Hoping someone will come along with a recommendation. 🪷

The way to get around this would be to insist on funds in a separate trust account legally tied to school place.

I mean nobody can FORCE you to pay half and he can’t MAKE you agree to anything

The judge is likely to laugh this out if court and I’m not sure if they’d send someone to speak to your child (out of court) for their opinions??? My sons friends parents are separated they had a huge argument about access and activities and they sent a social worker to school to speak to the child and he was about 10-11 (year 6)

he sounds vile sorry you’re dealing with this.

I gave the examples because the discussion was about whether a court would ever order school fees to be paid, and these are the circumstances in which I have known of courts ordering that somebody pay the fees.

It seemed to me that the OP was looking to understand the risks/legal realities here and so I was giving her more information.

Surely your ideological notions are completely irrelevant if the fees are beyond your means? That's all you need to say to your ex and your dd.
No court in the land will force you to pay school fee whether you can afford them or not.

Just say 'I cant afford it' end of story,hell have to pay for it all

Your ex sounds very nasty and I would be wary of him stopping payment and forcing you to pay 100%.

Even if you had the money, no court would force you to pay.

Going to the private school open days is a waste of your time if you’re not paying. By attending, you could be creating a stick that he could beat you with. “You’ve seen how great the school is - give me a good reason why you wouldn’t pay 50% for your DD’s education”

Be honest with your child. Tell them you would be happy for them to go to private school if that is their choice and their father is able to fund it. Realistically you are looking at 20k per year if you are paying half - including uniform, transport and school trips. Tell them this. And show them how much you earn and how much needs to go to a mortgage, pension, household expenses.

don’t let yourself be the bad guy. If they want to go private - their father needs to fund it as this was his idea. End of story.

Any chance the open days are on your time with her so you can have something lovely planned for those days?? 😶

Given how many women on here struggle to get money out of their ex's for basically anything, I doubt he can force you to pay for private school.

Spell it out to your child quite literally when they're old enough to have a conversation.

"It would cost me £12,000 a year to send you to private school. If I did that, we wouldn't ever afford to go on holiday or do other nice things and we wouldn't afford to live in this house. Your Dad and I disagree about this, but we disagree on lots of things and that's why we got divorced. We both love you and want the best for you, though. We just sometimes have a clash of opinions about that."

"Only 7% of people in this country go to private school, 93% don't. I think it's better that you get to know and spend time with the 93% because I think it will be better knowing how to get on with all kinds of people in life, not just rich ones."

"I didn't go to private school and I'm very happy with how my life turned out." (if that's true, obviously.) "I went to Oak Manor academy. Would you like to see some photos of me from that time and some of my old school reports?"

Sorry OP but it sounds like his control tactics are working as you’ve moved from ‘I don’t support it and can’t fund it’ to ‘Could it work?’ In one post.

Whether or not private school is beneficial for children is not the issue here. It’s just his latest red herring.

If you cannot afford half then there is no point considering it. He can go to all the courts he wants but no one can force you to pay half the fees. It sounds like he cannot afford the full fees on his own so this is all about either exerting control over you or setting you up to be the bad guy - a win-win for him.

I wouldn’t be going to any open days. Let him spin his wheels and feel uncomfortable when he cannot afford to deliver. Put your DD down for the great state school and then forget about him and his nonsense. Your DD will start to see him for what he is soon if not already.

Every day you’re one step closer to needing less contact with him. Tune him out as much as can.

Can you actually afford the fees? If it’s a no then why go to the open days at all?
I think you should stick to your guns. Forget the open days. Because then you are inviting more and more him to say, well you went to the open days, you are getting your child to think you are open to it and really these actions say that you are considering it as an option.
if you don’t agree with the private school then hold firm and don’t go to the open days, say you can’t afford it.
if he ends up paying the full fees and your child enrolls you can arrange a private tour and discussion with the school.

So your examples aren't relevant to the OP as this is not about keeping her dc in a school that she is already attending.