To ask for advice re private school dispute

Another thing to say to ex and DD is “Daddy needs to create a specific trust fund for you to go to private school if that’s what you both want. He needs to have all the money up front so you wouldn’t need to leave half way through if Daddy couldn’t afford it any more”.

Repeat on grey rock.

I think you shouldn't go to the open days, but should have clear discussions with your dc that you can't afford private school fees, and don't feel it's the best environment for her anyway.

I don't believe your ex will be able to enroll her without your consent.

OP I’ve been in a similar situation, but my child was started at a private school against my wishes (I was in an impossible situation before I left him). Ultimately I was left to pay the fees that I couldn’t afford because he could not either and refused to contribute at all. This meant she had to leave after a year and I feel guilty to this day, albeit it wasn’t my fault.

He lied in court and told them he would pay, which of course he didn’t and I had to manage the fallout.

My advice with someone like this is have a very clear conversation with your DD, send him a very clear email stating that you cannot and will not pay for the private school and include several options for alternative schools for him to consider. If you don’t get a positive response (which you probably won’t) you can then apply for a Specific Issues Order via the family court to have a decision made - they can’t make you pay. Don’t leave this until the last minute as it will likely take quite some time. Set out that you cannot afford it and the impact that it will have on your child if she starts and has to move. Don’t discuss it in person, only via email, be clear and don’t attend open days. If you can afford it, speak to a solicitor or try CAB if not.

Sorry if that’s a repeat of any previous advice, I haven’t had chance to read all! Good luck, I feel for you and know exactly what you’re dealing with - I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

We have had two in state grammars. It has been fine.
One went private because of the school's music education was brilliant not because the academic was better. It wasn't really.

If OP doesn't have the money? Private education is very expensive. Often the fees, trips and uniform costs are more than most parents' salary.

Doesn’t matter what your ex is doing.

Your party line - I don’t oppose you going to a private school. But we can’t afford it.

If he turns round and says he will pay for everything then that’s fine by you as long as all the fees are made in advance. You’re not going to be damaged by going to a state school. You would be damaged by starting one and then having to leave part way through.

in order for a child of divorced parents to attend - BOTH parents have to agree and sign the paperwork. This is about safeguarding. It is also because even if one parent is paying, they are establishing the legal right to sue the second parent for unpaid fees.

A google search (image posted, but the websites of the solicitors mentioned can be read for detail @Cicchetti ) confirms my personal understanding that a court will in no way entertain this, so I’d tell exH to apply to court if he is happy to lose money on the issue.

Re DC, at 10/11, you need to be able to have open and honest conversations about money by now: and I’d follow the advice above to explain that the local school is amazing (and take her on those open days, ideally along side school friends), that you cannot find the money for fees, that all of their primary school friends will likely go to the outstanding local school with her, that it will mean that there will still be money for holidays, school trips and hobbies because you will be able to afford those. Try not to panic OP, but be clear with DC that you are not engaging with Ex over this.

@BlumeUndTisch, gave it up. I just pointed out the wrong information shared here which was misleading.

Why give wrong information that doesn't apply to OPs circumstances and then turn it around to say I need to focus on her circumstances?

So few burseries and scholarships now after VAT. Fees are raising each year. It would be risky.

Sorry, you are right - he is only a stepdad, dd is a rando to him, but I was dreaming a dream.

people make applications to court to try to force the other parent to pay for all/part of private school fees all the time. If the kid is not already there and at a key part of their education (ie year before GCSE), they don't succeed. It is just a waste of money stress and effort. Which sometimes I think is what the applying parent wants, frankly.
Just tell him that if he wants to commit to private school fees for the duration, you won't oppose it but you won't be paying. If he complains any more then tell him to make an application. Meanwhile, get in your state school applications in good time.

Sorry, probably did not express myself properly. Nothing wrong with state school, I was state-schooled, very happy. It is to do with the money - for example, if she were going private on an 100% bursary and he was against it - I have no suspicion. However, if there is money involved - see what I mean?

I doesn't have to be like that. DS went to a cathedral school because of the music education - it was great.
The children weren't different from what we met in state. We took that decision as parents. Didn't force it on the other one to pay fees.

But she said she could afford it but would have to adjust (maybe I’ve misread that part):

if she can’t afford it then she could ask for a bursary.

Don't make assumptions on private Vs state school. Don't do what your ex is doing. Just have an open age appropriate discussion with your DD and listen to her. Let her go to the open day and ask her plenty of questions. Help her do a for and against evaluation.

Then discuss with her your concerns about the finances. She is going to be 12, it's a good age to start discussion about finances and how we can just pay for everything we want.

She can’t afford it.

Your ex is being ridiculous!
What the Good Lod left out, no private school can put in, so if your DC isn't clever enough to pass the Grammar school entrance exams, there is no point in paying for private education and if she is, there is definitely no.point in paying for something you can get free.

It wouldn't be that much faff and it would mean her DC wouldn't be on the school's books. Ie no room for doubt.

You sound like you just want to win against your ex.

what about your child - what if you actually become curious and open to the idea of a private school and attend the open day to see whether there is an incredible opportunity for her? Only having to pay half the fees to get her there most people (even if not publicly admitted) would jump at the chance.

take a deeper look at your emotions around this issue and think about the benefits this could be bringing to your daughter.

and if you’re worried about bringing your current husband just plan to go with him but on a different date - separately to her (or are you wanting to be there to pour water over any of excitement she may experience when she sees the sports / drama / music / design / engineering etc offerings?

Could you find me court cases based on OPs info?

If courts take on a case based on OPs info I get a better understanding why this country is f*cked.

You are absolutely right.

You could also explain to your DC that you think the money could be spent in better ways in the future - to help with university costs, helping them buy a home, spend time at a language school.

They might not appreciate it now but it underscores the point that you're not being "mean".

Yes, it’s still all about control. Appeasing abusers never works. If you haven’t done the Freedom Programme do it, if you have do it again. It’s a life changer.

Aside from this, think carefully about your DD going forward. He’s already been violent. He’s likely to continue to be abusive as she matures. Whilst I get your frustration re contact and the court system you can help support her. She can do the Freedom Programme too. Some Domestic Abuse organisations have support in person or online for young women. Of course she loves her Dad, but you’re not interfering in her relationship helping her recognise how male patterned violence and abuse can present. You’ll be helping her going forward in her life.