To ask for advice re private school dispute

By going to the open days you are showing him and your child the at you are willing to consider it. Be very clear with your child that you cannot afford private and don’t attend the open days.

The state, judge or law can't force OP to fork out money on private education if she hasn't signed the child up for private education and her child hasn't attended priate education.

You are bonkers to think OP can be forced pay 50% of private fees only becsuse her ex wants it.

Don't engage with him on it. He cannot force you to pay half the fees. A court will not force you to do so.

Talk to your daughter and explain that you cannot pay the fees so it is not an option for her to go there even if it is a lovely school. Explain that it is important to be financially secure, to be saving for her future university fees and for your retirement as well as being able to afford hobbies and holidays now.

She isn't tiny, she knows some people have more money than others. She may even be relieved that you have a clear sensible reason why you won't send her there despite what her father is drip feeding - that it is not because you don't care but because of money. That may well be quite reassuring.

Divorce is different, its a settlement

Family courts which decide on S8 matters, wont compel a parent to pay for something.

Yes, they can. Even if one parent disagrees with private schooling, a judge can issue an order to allow it. The judge can also decide whether it’s reasonable for the objecting parent to make a contribution (not necessarily 50%) and compel them to do so.

@Cicchetti
Wow! There goes the wrong sort of seeing and doing right there
Don't see how he could make you go halves on the fees if you've made your intentions obvious from the get-go
So do your research on your local schools
My daughter ended up at the London School of Economics and passing with honours after she'd attended our local brilliantly-run state girls secondary school so
If your Sons smart he will buckle down and achieve great things
You're a great mum
Happily remarried and now getting the support you'd like
So check things out like you're intending to and do so locally school-wise as well
I used to ask everyone who was friendly i'd meet and especially other mums I'd see out on my daily routines
Good luck!
Also
Has anyone actually asked your Son what he wants/would like?

Don’t go to the open days, say ‘no’ once. Talk to him as little as possible.

I see no reason to join if you won't pay private fees.

Why - OP doesn't want to pay fees. It's not an option. The child will se that approach as a yes to private education.

Go. Don't go. It can be argued either way.

Paying over the odds to live in the catchment of an outstanding state school is, ethically, much of a muchness with using that money to send DC to private school instead. Anyway, in this case, if ex pays fees for entire 7 years upfront - fine. Otherwise - no, he can fuck off. State school is absolutely fine.

Before any open days happen I would open the school's website with your DC and show him/her the annual fees. Explain that Dad is insisting he will only pay half so it's not going to be possible. I wouldn't necessarily share your exact salary with your child in case it's passed on to Dad but you could use a worked example e.g. with the average UK salary minus housing costs, bills, food etc and look at how much is left. At 10 I was well aware that my father was wealthy and my mother was not, but she was always our safe base and he was unpredictable. She didn't say negative things about him but she was honest about finances and how things stood.

With private schools the fees are only part of the expense. There are so many extra costs that are not optional.
Uniform, musical instruments, sports kit, trips, longer holidays so more child care, transport if there isn't a local bus or you can't drive and ex won't do the ferrying about.
I have a friend who sent her DC to a private school and honestly, the cost of all the above was extortionate. Even the school branded swimming costume was over £50. Mine went to local school then local 6th form college and did really well. Plus mine could go on the bus which was essential because I was working. Don't underestimate the importance of having a friendship group that is local and accessible by foot or bus.

sorry very long post here about both private and state schools from personal experience:

What school year is your child in now? Private schools usually have lower R to year 5, middle school 6-8 and upper school year 9 onwards.
So my children went to private school during early primary years from reception to year 5 it is very expensive and increases year on year as well as going up the school. So reception is less cost than year 10 for example then factor in the annual % rise. The school our two went to was not particularly academic compared to other local private schools but it was still very academic. Both my children are dyslexic and while in lower school they received additional interventions and small class sizes which helped enormously but this changes after going into middle school in year 6 they expect the children to be totally independent and the workload increases dramatically.

It really was just the very highly academic few (those way above average ability) that did well after year 6. To excel in the private schools in our area you need to be great and are either very academic, very musical or very sporty.

From the parents of children in middle and high school I have spoken to since those that have done great in private schools are those children that are either academic, sporty or musical and that put in a lot of extra hard work. Any child less than average ability seems to have struggled and has lost confidence in their own academic abilities.

I would look at this from your child’s point of view. What subjects does your child like? Would they excel in a highly academic environment or will the pressure be too much and negatively affect them through their teen years? Does your child have any additional needs? Are they on the SEN register?
What does the private school being looked at specialise in?

Not all children will excel or even do better in a private school than in a grammar school or a state school.
My eldest was struggling in the private school in year 5 and began feeling like he was not good enough despite how much effort he put in. He moved primary school to one of our local schools and his new teacher had a neurodiverse child so they were able to understand my son and support him through his SATs he did amazingly well.
When he transitioned to secondary school we just got lucky in that our closest state school has a huge SEN department. It was like we now had a very different child who received good school reports and his confidence in his own academic ability has increased. Everyone has been surprised how well he settled in. Funnily enough other children from his old private school living within the catchment have also joined this state school.

Really, I want to say that (perhaps contrary to popular belief) in our own experience a private school is not always better for every child.
Private school worked for us in the lower years because they did give children who needed it extra help, but once in middle school it was not the right environment for them and they fell behind.

Do you think your child would fit in academically? Do you think they would do better in a private school over a state school?
Will your ex expect a certain level of grades from your child if they do go to a private school and if so will the pressure be too much for them to succeed?
If you don’t think a private school would be a good fit for your child as an individual would you get a better response phrasing it logically like that? Rather than just focusing on only the cost?
if your child is currently year 5 or 6 can you both go to the open evenings at your local state schools usually in September and October? Will their friends be going to these local schools as well?
Also if you look at the private schools websites and calculate the cost of each year and total you will see the true cost over the whole of middle-upper school it is quite shocking when you look at it totalled up.

If you have any questions either about private schools or state secondary schools you’d like to ask please feel free to.

Good luck

No…I was giving information about the wider picture, as part of the discussion on the thread. If you don’t find it helpful feel free to stop reading my posts or engaging with me.

@BlumeUndTisch, I'm done responding to you it's obvious you are making statements having no experience or understanding of the law.

No parent can be forced tby British law to spend money on private fees if the parent never signed paperwork for private education and the child has never attended private education.

A judge can't order a parent to pay for a private school which the parent hasn't signed up for and the child hasn't set a foot on
A judge can order whatever think is in the best interest of the child end of. Stop making completely unfunded statements.

In this instance, OP has said that he was going to take the child to the open day.

We don't have enough information here to say one way or the other.

You seem more determined to be right that to provide legal and helpful information to OP.

I don't think you should go to the open days. Your dd will feel it is a real option if you do.

Does your dd not want to go to the school her existing friends are going to? As in state school. That is a pretty powerful draw that your ex will have to overcome. We moved my 11 year old to private school which was a wonderful decision for him - but he didn't see that. At the time we were making the decision he would have far preferred going to the mediocre middle school his friends were all going to. I would talk to your dd saying you really can't afford it and the state school is lovely and her friends will be going there too.

A judge can't order a parent to pay for a private school which the parent hasn't signed up for and the child hasn't set a foot on.

PP are missing the point; as he is a narcissist he does not care which school his DD goes to. It is just the latest tactic to get control and emotional reactions from his ex and DD.

Do not engage, do not visit the schools. Explain to DD that she will be going to an excellent state school, end of.

You need to reduce all communication with your ex to an absolute minimum or only through solicitors.
If you give in he'll keep the threat of withdrawing funding over you until she's an adult.

I agree about getting a specific order to agree the secondary school applications in order of preference - grammar, the catchment comp, the other comp, the guaranteed place comp and that private school isn’t an option due to finances.

Him refusing to consent to the state schools could be used to control you and mean you lose out on a place for her.

He could also sneak in the state application before you and select awful schools you wouldn’t agree to so as to force the private as the only option.

What mumsnetters don't seem to understand is that nowadays, all information can be found online. It's even better now because AI can behave as a private tutor to help break down complex concepts. It's nothing like the days before high speed internet existed.

So there is no reason for any school kid not to be achieving top grades in exams, regardless of what school they are at.

He can't.

This is where the situation is best explained.
https://anshamwhite.co.uk/how-family-courts-handle-disputes-over-private-school-fees/

OP would likely have to show her finances to the judge. If the judge agrees that she can't afford it, then it's not an issue.

If the judge considered that it is in the best interests of the child to attend private school and OP can afford 10% and her father 90%, then yes, they could make this a court order.