To ask for advice re private school dispute

Nothing wrong with private schools, my child attends a nursery that feeds into one and will be attending when the time comes, husband and I both went to one too.

Regarding taking you to court, they will laugh him away. One of our relatives went through a divorce, and they court ruled that the children had to be removed from their private school as the mum couldn’t afford it, even though dad could and was happy to keep paying the full amount as he had always paid it himself. Court said no. Kids were pulled out and that was that. If you can’t afford it, there’s no argument and no court even if you COULD afford it would take something so trivial so seriously.

I was going to say this. If your child does end up going to private school, the ex husband will need to pay all the fees in advance (there are usually schemes to do this).

I completely, utterly second this. Not only will that leave you with responsible for fees you can't afford, but somehow you will be the evil parent who uproots their kids from their much loved friends and teachers...

Definitely don’t go to open days, you don’t want to engage in this process in any way. It sounds like you have already explained to your child that you can’t afford private, I would reinforce this then stop having the conversation. I have mediated a number of disputes around school choices, you cannot be forced to pay school fees just because your ex thinks you should, he sounds totally delusional.

Ah. a classics move from the narc ex husband playbook.
He has grandiose ideas via the child.
He programmes the child to agree (child quickly learns the right responses to avoid triggering father reactions).
He says he will do it all, you just need to let the child have this wonderful opportunity
Then he finds it is too expensive because he wants his money for other things (for.him - usually a new car or bigger house).
Then he puts the screws on you, working on how unhappy YOU will make your child if YOU don't make this thing your child wants happen.
Congratulations! You are now the bad guy.

I don’t think they would, in OP’s situation. My point wasn’t that OP would be made to pay, or that it was even likely that they would compel her to. My point is that a court can indeed compel a parent to.

If the court were inclined to, they would do what they do in all case of private school fee disputes - look at the finances of each parent, and decide what a reasonable contribution would be.

You say you could ‘scrimp and save’ to afford your half of the cost, @Cicchetti - could you explain this to your dd? Tell her you could only afford it if you and she could no longer do X, Y and Z. Be practical - tell her it would bean a long term worsening of your and her day to day standard of living - maybe she would understand that you aren’t opposing private school just to be stubborn, but because you really can’t afford it.

please ignore, posted on wrong thread

Agree with PP this is extremely concerning behaviour and indicative of control / abuse. Unless there is a backstory that you have only one toilet and he has IBS and genuinely needs frequent access with no warning. It doesn't sound like this is the case given he is suspicious of what you're doing in there, it sounds more like possessive/ control that he can't stand that you might have some time alone that he can't control. He can't give you an answer why he needs this as there isn't a reasonable one.

I wouldn't but of course OP can do it.

In case the ex insists he’ll pay the fees then doesn’t or forges a signature. It’s better the school have advance warning so that they can be aware of the situation.

It doesn't really change the fees. If OP can't pay or won't pay she has no reason to interact with the school. At all.
She isn't likely to get a 50% bursery or scholarship after the VAT.
OP is happy with state school. She shouldn't engage in the nonsens about private education.

If the dad will commit to a upfront trust for private school with a 100% pay she should consider it. But is it likely? Doesn't sounds like it.

As you have parental responsibility, you have a say in deciding what school your child goes to. He can take you to court but what is his argument? An Outstanding school is good enough, so unless your daughter has some special needs that can only be met at a private school he has no leg to stand on.

Why not try to agree with him to try local school and then decide if its not suitable? There are some benefits of going private but if your DD thrives at local school the money can be saved for her university later.

You are right: a lot wouldn't. But a lot would.

If she doesn't visit, she doesn't even know what she is saying she doesn't like.

I understand the affordability aspect, but if she finds she agrees with the choice but still cannot pay, the DD is keen, it may be the ex agrees to a further subsidy.

But just not looking achieves not much imo.

No a lot of people wouldn't envy to pay 50% of private education. It's a very large sum.

Why the faff? Just don't sign any paperwork.

Yes, go - with an open mind.

If he is going to contribute heavily, lots of people would envy your position.

This needs to be about finding the best school for your dc, not winning one over your ex.

I would actually be quite sneaky about this. How about writing to the private school in question explaining the situation and stating clearly that you don’t have the means to pay half the fees and therefore you cannot give consent for your DD to ever attend this school?

How would a court enforce OP to pay in her situation?

I simply don't think OP would ever find herself in that situation that a court orders her to pay a single penny to private education against her will.

If you read my post, you would have seen I addressed that:

“The judge can also decide whether it’s reasonable for the objecting parent to make a contribution (not necessarily 50%) and compel them to do so.”

As the above poster said, this is a private family court matter. It is highly unlikely that they would compel the objecting parent to contribute, but it is within their remit to do so. In the vast majority of cases the parent wanting their child to attend private school would be the one responsible for funding it.

It's a no - no matter what the competion is. I wouldn't engage with open days to point a no out. A pool at the school is way nicer than the gym. You won't win that talk I guess.

So that I knew what the competition looked like. Then when DD goes to an open day with her dad and comes back talking about (eg) the swimming pool I have seen it for myself and can point out that it’s no better than the one at the gym. For example.

They're private family court matters. Any parent can make an application to ask the court to make a determination about an area of parenting that the parents cannot agree on, schooling is one such. Medical interventions, holidays, moving abroad, many other issues

it would be heard in court.

What would not happen, is that in the event of the court determining the child should go to the private school, that the OP be made to pay. It would be father's application and father's choice.