To ask for advice re private school dispute

This is not about which type of school is or is not better. This is about control. Don’t mistake the two issues.

Also, how is he able to badger, insult and terrorise you? Time to shut that down with an app for essentials of shared custody or comms via a third party so he has zero chance to communicate with you about any anything except the logistics of handovers, holidays, etc.

Cut off his oxygen.

He’ll do this anyway. Don’t play his game.

He is orchestrating the whole thing to exert control and emotional abuse. School is one of the few ways he has to do this - he’s running out of opportunities as she gets older and smarter.

Unless he is fantastically wealthy and is likely to pay all the fees without even asking you then this whole thing will disintegrate in time. You going to open days with them gives credibility to him and his game.

Warning about full fees up front (although if ex is paying...) if the school goes out of business, you lose the lot or if it changes hands and the ethos/standards change you have to go to court and fight for your money. I've seen this happen at an independent school I worked at.

Sorry, I meant schemes where you pay the whole 7 years of fees upfront - there is usually a small discount for doing so.

Yes, you pay the term in advance usually, but also have to give a term's notice if the child is leaving.

I have just realised you posted above that this is your actual husband, not an ex? Why? Separate your finances from him pronto to regain some control.

Don't ever sign anything this man gives to you or sends you. If he signs a contract with the school, it will be on him alone to pay. Make sure you know which school and be very clear to them that if he signs your name it will be a forgery.

No court is going to force anyone to pay for private school.

It’s because people on this website are really weird about private schools

I dont understand why people are telling you to go to the open days.
You are not paying because you cannot afford to ,you are not interested in that type of education , you have sourced excellent schools and you are not playing your ex husbands game.
So why go?

Unless you really do want a private education for your daughter.
Maybe????

No don’t go , you have no intention of sending your child so it’s pointless.

@Loulou4022
And it wouldnt just be the school fees either would it?
There'd be summer/winter uniforms from selected specialist shops,
Sports kits
Plus other things i wouldnt even begin to know about

If I were you I’d attend the private schools open days. I’d also insist he attends the public schools open day too.
if it’s so important to him that DC goes to private, and I assume you like the school too, he should be paying 100% of the fee. You’ve done your bit for ensuring your child has access to a good school by moving house.
As a side question- are the private schools he’s looking at an acceptable distance for your child?
I can’t see how a court can rule you to pay for private schooling; all this would do is waste money on lawyers.

People seem to be getting bogged down in all sorts of arguments. Bottom line is you can't afford it. Tell your daughter this. You may have spare money for holidays, school trips, clubs, tutoring etc but you won't if you're paying school fees. I have taught in both sectors and they both have advantages and disadvantages. I would say if you have a really good comp or grammar school that that is possibly the better choice in fact for various reasons I can't be bothered to go into here.
It may also be worth actually doing the sums for your ex. Do the fees for 5 years with a built in yearly increase. Look at the uniform costs which are often high and any other bits you can find on the website that you have to include. My last job was in a private school where the parents had to pay for each GCSE exam entry too etc etc. it may be that he can't actually afford it either...

It is half your decision, wanting you to pay half when you don't want it is just crazy- I wouldn't go to open days thpough , it is just building up an expectation you will agree.

Of course you should go and not weird at all to bring your husband, he's your DD's step dad and your life partner, he's involved. And being at the Open Days is vital - who knows what ExDH will be promising your DD otherwise! Are all DD's friends going to the same Outstanding school? That will be a big part of how DD feels about things I think. Hold firm. Good luck.

You are surrounded by good schools. Why would you want to send her to a private one . You can use the saved money for so many lovely things. Tell her that and that you cant afford it and then dont bother to speak about it again. If she brings it up dont engage further except to say you know the reason.
What a horrible man your ex is. I dont imagine he really cares a jot about her attending a private school he is just trying to get one over on you.

Does your child understand that her Dad came out financially better off so this would be a stretch for you @Cicchetti ? You don’t have to and shouldn’t be trying to turn her against him but she is old enough to understand financial consequences of divorce.

I went to public school, can easily afford it for my kids and yet am still considering if they would be better off in a state or grammar school. There is no way without exceptional circumstances it is worth huge financial pain to send your kid. Also - it sounds like if he cared that much he could pay for it but he is not. I would not be afraid to make the point.

He also needs to commit to paying her fees for the years going forward. If this does happen and he is going to pay 100% of the fees make it very clear to the school that you personally have no financial commitment and get it in writing when/if she is enrolled at the school. You never know what will happen in the future but if you don't get this understood and in writing from the off then if he defaults on payment then they can come after you for it, you would be 'jointly and severally liable'. I speak from bitter family experience!