To ask for advice re private school dispute

Unless he will stand there and admit he's happy to pay the full fees until your child is 18, there's absolutely no point in any of you going to the open days.

I would keep the ideology out of it completely, as it then becOmes a debate and your daughter may think she can win you over.

If it’s not affordable then there’s no debate. Just be matter of fact about it. I wouldn’t even admit that you could make it work with scrimping and saving, just say you can’t afford it - this isn’t even something you want for her or something she seems to have a need for so it would be ridiculous to put yourself under financial strain for it.

I wouldn’t go. It’s like taking a kid to look at puppies and then not buying one - you’re asking for trouble and the facilities will massively outshine any state school.

If you’re anti private school regardless of money why would you go to the open day! It suggests your mind could be changed.

I would say to your ex ‘If I won the lottery I wouldn’t want him going to private school. So if you want him to go you pay for the entirety. Do not come to me for half.’

@ZiggerZag the difference there is he said he would pay, the court would not have compelled the mum to contribute to an educational option she does not want unless there was an overwhelming reason why the child should be at that school (I mean beyond “smaller class sizes and fancy boaters”, it would need to be some specific reason why only that school would do).

Btw of course the minute he won, he told her she had to contribute. She said no and the daughter was so upset, she went to live with the dad. It was such an awful situation.

How people can be so manipulative with their own child is beyond me.

You need to be very careful with this. Someone who works for me had this happen to her. Her ex campaigned for their dd to go to private secondary school. He really sold it to their daughter and took her to an open day on one of his weekends, showed her how amazing it was. She loved horses and the school has private horse riding lessons. He did the whole Disney dad thing, said he would pay for it etc. She kept saying no because like you lived in an area with a good state secondary school. In the end, he took her to court and the court ruled in his favour. What was key is they spoke to the child who of course said how amazing the school was and how she loved horses and everyone concluded what a great opportunity it was for her (!).

I was absolutely gobsmacked that this could happen but please do not be complacent. If I was you, I would get a lawyer now!

Do not go to the open days. That would send such mixed messages to your child. They can’t go, simple as

I would call the school and tell them that you and your ex disagree over the situation, can you please have a visit without your child to see the school for yourself?

Then you aren’t letting your child or ex think you might go along with the idea, but you have more information about it all.

Going to open days says you are willing to e terrain the idea. The only way you can go is if you make it absolutely clear that you are not contributing financially. My kids went to private schools because my son didn’t get into the nearest three (excellent) state schools and when we moved the schools were dire. And we could afford it.

This. It is a huge financial committment over years. If you can't afford it, say so and stick to it.

Court would only compel you to pay the fees if you could clearly afford it, AND there’s a very important reason why your child should attend the private school.

I know of some families where school fees have been ordered, but in all cases the parents had previously agreed on private education, the child had already started at the private school, and the court felt it would be disruptive to move them at that stage in their education.

Taking you to court over this would be a waste of his time and money.

In your shoes I wouldn’t go to the open days, no. I think that would send a message to your child that this is an option or something you’re willing to consider.

Just remind her that you cannot afford to pay the fees, that this is not an option, and that it would be a waste of everybody’s time to go to the open days - she’s welcome to if she’s curious, but there’s no chance she’ll be going to those schools.

And then start talking up your local state schools and how great they are, anytime she parrots back her dad’s criticisms of them you can say that you disagree, point her to your evidence etc, but then reiterate that private is
not an option anyway.

She‘ll be fine, and eventually she’ll see through his manipulation!

If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it and going to court wouldn’t magically change that. Your ex couldn’t force it though court even if you could afford to send ten children to private school.

Be clear that it won’t happen and don’t send mixed messages by visiting. If your ex wants to take dd for a visit that’s up to him. If you do decide to go, it’s not going to make it any easier for your child if you insist on your new husband going so leave him out of it.

On a practical note schools often limited the number of people accompanying a child to open days.

I agree with others don't go. You will be asked to sign documentation for school application so if you refuse the application will fail at the first hurdle. If he wants to go to court - let him. You have a viable option locally so it's not as if you are not acting as a responsible parent.

With respect to your DD - big up the links with the intended school - her friends going there, facilities etc.Take her along to this school's open day soon too. Explain why you can't afford the private school.

Hang tight on this one

Don't entertain it, you don't need to justify your expenses to your ex or your child. Don't attend open days unless you want to. Tell your ex no. He's your ex.

I wouldn’t go to to any open days. Just keep telling your DD it’s not an option. The local state school is more than good enough.

No court will make you pay private school fees.

open days or not are up to you but I’d just tell your child (as you have) that you cannot afford it.

I wouldn't go to the open days, it would be implying to your daughter that you think going to one of the schools is a possibility. I would tell her you aren't coming because you can't afford private school fees, so it is pointless going to them, she will be going to state school and you have done your best to make sure she will get in to a good one.

See a solicitor and send him a formal letter saying you will never pay? It might come in handy in future and probably will be cheaper than a confrontation later on.

I don’t think it’s possible to vote with any meaning based on the options you have given.
You need to consider whether you can 1) afford to pay half the fees, which will rise above the rate of inflation, plus additional costs 2) which school is right for your daughter, not whether it is private or state.

If you are just idealogically opposed then I would say you are acting no different to him.

No court can make you pay. Just say no.

Make sure he pays upfront for all the years if she goes private. If he stops paying the fees your child will have to move school and that can be a hard one for a teenager.

I don’t think you should go into this with your ideological ideas about private school. Your dc would just resent the lack of opportunity.

If you can’t do it for financial reasons that’s all you have to say to DC. And in that case there’s no point looking.

No. Don't attent. Your child will see it as you are considering private if you go.

Make sure you apply for the state options correctly and in good time.
Ignore anything relating to the private school. If he has to do everything himself, including entrance exam prep, buying uniform, arranging transport and so on, he will probably fall at one of these fences. Don't get dragged in. Ignore as much as possible.

I wouldn’t worry just yet. My friend spent years trying to force her ex to agree to private school. She was even willing to pay for the fees but she couldn’t force him. The private school required both parents to sign the forms. He refused. Legally, she couldn’t do a thing.