To ask for advice re private school dispute

This point about needing to fork out for private school trips comes up a lot on MN as a reason not to send your dc to private schools. The op needs to make up her mind on a whole lot of aspects of schools, but the thing about expensive trips that dc "feel left out of" it they don't go is honestly not an issue. As someone who went right through private schooling, whose siblings did, whose DH did and whose dc are currently in the system, I can honestly say none of us ever did a trip to Iceland or the US or anything like it.

The most we have done is choir or sports trips to Europe, and there is very little pressure.

To be honest, far from being seen as de rigueur, they are often seen as trips for the children whose parents can't/don't take them in the holidays, ( and this is particularly true of the infamous private school ski trips) or as holiday childcare for working parents, and not that many go, so there is no pressure whatsoever to be involved.

That won't be a deciding factor for OP I am sure, but it is just something that comes up on MN a lot and I am sure it is peddled by people who have heard about these trips but are not part of the system. Several posters with dc in the system normally pipe up and say the pressure really isn't there to go - and in my experience with some very expensive private schools, it really isn't. It's a non-issue.

My interpretation of this law is if he wants his daughter to attend a private school, he will solely have to pay the fees

Most private schools are charging around 10k per term now and the fees are rising faster than inflation. Even if it were 5k per term( if the dick ex sticks to his promise), that is a huge amount to have to commit to over the next five or seven years. An outstanding state secondary will be fine, a grammar even better. OP can use all the money she saves on extracurricular enrichment-and possibly saving for university where she won't get the choice to pay or not. Additionally, good universities are now looking much more favourably on state school applicants, if that's the path you're thinking.

OP, I teach at private school. The offerings can be incredible but my child won't be going there as we simply can't afford it without bankrupting ourselves. Don't feel bad, it is what it is. Don't go to the open days as that makes it seem as if you're considering it, just keep repeating 'I'm so sorry sweetheart but we just can't afford it. But we will make sure you have all the support you need outside school and facilitate any sport/drama/musical activity you want to do'

Your ex sounds like a real cunt!

Poor kid 🥲

https://www.sharpfamilylaw.com/who-pays-private-school-fees-after-separation/

I would just register them in a regular school, i am inclined to think not to attend the private school open days as that looks like your open to the idea and considering it, however i also think would he be bad mouthing you to child. "Oh look what a good opportunity this is and your mum wont let you". Tell them you dont get enough income and child maintenance to cover fees

The Family Law Act.

They really can. It's a bread and butter decision by a family court and is a regular occurrence dependent upon affordability.

I really would move onto a court approved parenting app. I would use it to communicate things such as “DD is stating that she needs to go to private school. As you know I can’t afford to contribute so unless you are going to set up a trust to cover future fees plus the additional £3k per year by 1st January please stop feeding the fantasy that it’s an option for her”

I would go to the open days but keep repeating yes it would lovely if Daddy set up a trust fund so you could go. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Let him take you to court. They can’t force you to pay for something like that .
Enroll child in a state school. If dad wants private, he can pay all costs. I’d get that in writing

"He has also threatened to take me to court to force our child to attend private school"

I'd love to know which part of the various education acts passed by parliament he plans to prosecute you under ?

Well if that’s the case, it would serve you well for him to take it to court. He’d be told
ro wind his neck in, and that would be the end of it.

My son’s school does this - they just include the VAT.

He is trying to financially control you. Speak to solicitor fore advice

This is why even if he did say he would pay all the tuition fees, your costs would still be enormous. The price of the ski trips, trips to Iceland or the US, and the additional music lessons etc would be down to you because you are “too mean” to pay the school fees. Yes, she won’t have to go on these trips but most of her friends will be on them and the peer pressure will be huge. She will also be in competition academically with ex’s gf’s children. It’s setting her up for all kinds of comparisons.
Going to the open days for all the schools is definitely a good idea. You can see what your daughter is attracted to and emphasise the good points of the schools you like, and you can also counteract some of your ex’s comments. It also means if he doesn’t attend the state open days that it is he who they appears closed minded.

I don't think you can do that any more due to the VAT. My friend wanted to do it using inheritance and was told they can't now.

Having attended a private school myself and having considered one for my DD, the fees are the least of the costs involved.
We were offered a 40% bursary for DD but that only covered the tuition fees. Book rental, compulsory school lunches (no packed lunches allowed), art materials, music fees, IT fees and other costs were not elegible for the bursary. Add on transport and uniform (very specific) and, even with a bursary, we couldn't afford it without sacrificing all holidays and me working full-time which due to DH's job at the time would have meant we never had any family time.
There are also the expensive trips. My friend's DC go to the school I attended and this summer they were thousands of miles away on a sports trip. There have also been trips to WW1 battlefields and European cities. My niece attended a different private school for the final two years of her schooling and although she didn't go on either of the trips, trips to Japan and Kenya were mentioned.
OP, my fear would be that if you agree to pay 50% of the fees, you would then be screwed by your ex to pay all the ancillary costs and be blackmailed into paying for expensive trips to avoid your DD missing out.

The school I went to is very academic and always one of the top schools in Scotland for exam results. I was never top of the class or anywhere near it, but there was a lot of pressure on us academically and I found that really tough.

I understand why you want to go on the private school tours, but I think you should reconsider.

It would put your DD under a lot of pressure to have her shit of a father saying what a great school it was and asking her if she wants to go, while you say that she can't as you can't afford it.

And how about the chats with teachers - he's sure to raise the point that you're against the school with them, and are they supposed to try to persuade you?

He will be spinning his private school stories to your DD when she's with him, not just during the school visit, you can't control what he says, but you can calmly point out to her that you don't have the money to pay the fees, that she'll be going to a very good local school where she'll make friends etc etc.

You can tell her that Daddy is being a bit silly, as he knows you can't afford the fees, so unless he pays for them all, she won't be able to go.

If he says he'll pay all for first year, as PPs have advised, don't accept this, insist that he pays the lot upfront, and you can tell your DD he needs to do this so that she doesn't need to change school in case he can only pay 50% in second year, as you won't be able to pay.

Your daughter will your understand that her father is more focused on scoring off you, and that the school is for him, not for her.

My DSs father wasn't as awful as your ex, but my DS certainly had his measure by 14, and stopped putting himself out to be available whenever suited his father - and stopped spending every second Christmas with him and his girlfriend and their kids, as he just didn't want to.

I know it seems like it will last forever, but I hadn't seen DSs father in person for about 3 years before DSs uni graduation, where we were civil but it was fantastic to leave him after the lunch to meet up with DSs friends and their parents in the pub!

Attending the open days indicates that you are considering the option. Tbh in your case I wouldn't, because the only circumstance under which your DD will go there will be if a court order is forced through to say she must go there (with your Ex paying full fees as if wouldn't be reasonable for a court to force you to pay for something unnecessary that you are opposed to). IF such a court order is granted, any private school will be happy to facilitate a personal visit and tour where you can see everything you would have seen at the open day and ask any questions you have.

Attending a private school open day is like doing a home visit to the birth home of a kitten or puppy you are considering. In the case of a pet you have to remember that of course the potential pet is heartbreakingly and overwhelmingly cute and loveable and you have to ignore that and focus on the practical and reasonable things that you have to check for. At a school - of course the facilities and environment are going to seem wonderfully and overwhelmingly better than what you'd see at most state schools but that's not the issue, you already know that there are dozens of reasons not to choose private schooling and you aren't going to be able to evaluate those at an open day.

I’m not sure if my post registered on here yesterday as it was extremely long.
Have you been able to look up the open evening dates for all of the local schools in your area? In our area they are throughout September and October and we visited all the ones we wanted to include on the local authority form. If you are looking at the grammar school then there are additional rules that apply also. What year is your child in now sorry if this has already been asked?