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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

254 replies

MarbleCreamCoconut · 03/09/2026 17:25

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 04/09/2026 13:56

NovemberMorn · 04/09/2026 13:35

It's certainly not fair, but often life is unfair.

I would advise her to limit the damage, keep quiet and live with the guilt.
Your way is the righteous way but will cause more heartache.

The OP will have to decide which option she takes.

Show quote history

The heartache was caused when she cheated. Living a lie to attempt to escape that isn't the answer.

NovemberMorn · 04/09/2026 13:57

Washingupdone · 04/09/2026 13:50

If things had been bad with the marriage for some time, maybe DH was having an affair at that time and as it ended he turned to his wife, which coincided with the end of her affair.

There is no suggestion her husband was having an affair.
If a man had written the OP would you be thinking his wife was having an affair too?

NovemberMorn · 04/09/2026 13:59

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/09/2026 13:56

The heartache was caused when she cheated. Living a lie to attempt to escape that isn't the answer.

Show quote history

I think we are going round in circles.
Thanks for the discussion.

Dexternight · 04/09/2026 14:12

Life is too short.
Forget it and move on.
Never say a word.

Sartre · 04/09/2026 14:27

Trouble is, secrets have a habit of coming out eventually. All it takes is for the other man to tell his wife and her to come knocking, or she finds out because he wasn’t as good at covering up as you clearly have been. It’s also very Crime and Punishment and depends how easily you can spend your life lying, or if it’ll eat you up inside.

Radioheads · 04/09/2026 15:08

Absolutely take it to the grave.
Focus your energy on your marriage now.
Best of luck to you.

Beepen · 04/09/2026 15:32

Sartre · 04/09/2026 14:27

Trouble is, secrets have a habit of coming out eventually. All it takes is for the other man to tell his wife and her to come knocking, or she finds out because he wasn’t as good at covering up as you clearly have been. It’s also very Crime and Punishment and depends how easily you can spend your life lying, or if it’ll eat you up inside.

Exactly. And then when it comes out the initial betrayal has been compounded by the further lies. And you have stolen years of his life then

knor · 04/09/2026 18:07

By not telling him, your “punishment” is the guilt. If you can live with that for the rest of your life, then I wouldn’t say anything.
only you know your husband - would he want to know? Would he forgive you? If he did the same thing, would you forgive him?

Wingingit73 · 04/09/2026 18:10

Leave it alone and move on. Good luck.

Mercury2018 · 04/09/2026 18:14

It's done, forget the guilt. When someone doesn't make you feel like a sexual being, stuff like this happens, DH isn't blameless for your affair. Did he help.as much as he should have? Did he tell you how amazing and sexy you are? Did he do kind little things? I expect he totally neglected you while you picked up the majority of parenting responsibilities.
A lot of people will disagree with me, but you deserved to share your body and mind and feel wanted. An affair is an easy way out, you were probably close to leaving him and it would have been an easy way out.

If things are good now, leave it, enjoy your lives and kids together. Stop having guilt!

ForQuirkyFawn · 04/09/2026 18:28

I think the correct thing to do here is say nothing, ever, why cause harm?

Whaleandsnail6 · 04/09/2026 18:38

I think you should come clean...not for your sake but your husband's

He deserves to know so that he can make an informed decision if he wants to remain in a relationship where his wife slept with someone else for a year.

I'd want to know and wouldn't stay in the relationship...thats not a small one night stand. Its calculated and ongoing betrayal.

You owe your husband the opportunity to make an informed decision about this

wasdarknowblond · 04/09/2026 18:40

Please don’t tell him. It will blow your world apart. In time the guilt will fade and you’ll feel less bad about it. How do you know your husband hasn’t done the same anyway? Focus on your future together as a family and consign the affair to the past. Trust me, time is a great leveller.

Whaleandsnail6 · 04/09/2026 18:44

NovemberMorn · 04/09/2026 12:52

I agree, when asomeone has a partner and they built a family together, that person should come before any affair.
In an ideal world, if everyone took their marriage vows seriously, and if they had morals to always do the right thing, there would be no question to answer.

However, people are flawed; she can't undo what has been done, she is sorry, she loves her husband and family, and she doesn't want to add more suffering.

She has a choice, I have said what my advice would be.

Show quote history

Surely her husband deserves the right to make an informed decision about if he wants to remain in a relationship where his wife had a prolonged affair?

August1980 · 04/09/2026 18:50

Heysham1 · 03/09/2026 17:48

Keep quiet and get on with your marriage. Your children don’t deserve the fall-out that would follow.

Agree.

take it to your grave. I doubt you will be the only one with secrets

mrsbinghamsapron · 04/09/2026 18:52

StrayHares · 03/09/2026 18:17

As a fairly recently betrayed spouse, I can't believe I'm actually edging towards 'don't tell'. Like you and your DH, we were getting on well after a hard couple of years, and 'working on our relationship' when he made the disclosure, feeling he ought to do 'the decent thing' so we could start from a clean slate.
The pain I'm living through is so horrendous that I honestly wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's worse than the hurt of the two family bereavements I've experienced this year -combined.
It's worse because it encompasses betrayal, deceit, slashed hopes, removal of consent, and massive insecurity regarding mine and our DCs' future.
It is relentless: all around me, every day are triggers which remind me of him and of her and of the two of them together. And because I've said I can't actually cope with knowing the details, my mind is left to make stuff up, which is awful.
It's seen me feel bitterness and resentment, rage and actual hatred -I resent being 'that' person so much.
The self-doubt it has left me with is unreal. That's despite 'knowing' I'm a good, kind, funny, caring, moderately attractive person.
It's taken energy away from the things I value most: my DC, my home, my career. I'll not get it back.
What you've done is so cruel. He deserves to know. But is it kind? I don't know anymore.

Just sending solidarity. It hurts like absolute fuck. It gets better though, eventually. I promise. Hang in there x

Jane1727 · 04/09/2026 19:27

I wouldn’t tell him. You will destroy your family. Move forward and put all your efforts into your marriage. In his shoes I would rather not know.

Moros · 04/09/2026 19:46

Mercury2018 · 04/09/2026 18:14

It's done, forget the guilt. When someone doesn't make you feel like a sexual being, stuff like this happens, DH isn't blameless for your affair. Did he help.as much as he should have? Did he tell you how amazing and sexy you are? Did he do kind little things? I expect he totally neglected you while you picked up the majority of parenting responsibilities.
A lot of people will disagree with me, but you deserved to share your body and mind and feel wanted. An affair is an easy way out, you were probably close to leaving him and it would have been an easy way out.

If things are good now, leave it, enjoy your lives and kids together. Stop having guilt!

Fuck me sideways. Just when I think I've seen the absolute worst of Mumsnet, we get bullshit this.

The next time there's some thread on Mumsnet from a woman who's just discovered her husband's affair are you going to say to her that it's partly her fault for not being sexy enough for him and that she should shoulder part of the blame?

Moros · 04/09/2026 19:49

wasdarknowblond · 04/09/2026 18:40

Please don’t tell him. It will blow your world apart. In time the guilt will fade and you’ll feel less bad about it. How do you know your husband hasn’t done the same anyway? Focus on your future together as a family and consign the affair to the past. Trust me, time is a great leveller.

"Fuck it, you might as well carry on lying because only your feelings are important and as long as you get to maintain the fiction that you're trustworthy then it's all good. Your husband doesn't deserve to know the truth."

croydon15 · 04/09/2026 20:42

Heysham1 · 03/09/2026 17:48

Keep quiet and get on with your marriage. Your children don’t deserve the fall-out that would follow.

This what you have done is bad enough, do you need to ruin your DC life as well ? Keep your mouth shut and try to make it up to your DH without him knowing the reason, go to confession if you are Catholic.

Thefsm · 04/09/2026 20:50

I’m looking at it from the part that f the scorned spouse, my husband had a six month affair 3.5 years ago.

do not tell him.

id give absolutely anything to go back and not know and have my old life back without the weirdness and since I found out he stopped all physical contact with me so I am so very lonely and it prevents us repairing our marriage properly even though I want to move on past it.

live your life and make his better. I won’t comment on how I feel about what you did because I’m sure you can guess. But your husband would feel like me and nobody wants that.

foursquares · 04/09/2026 20:53

Such a dispicable person, hopefully he finds out.

LittlestBoho · 04/09/2026 20:55

Your DH might have been having an affair too and that's why you both started treating each other better. This really reminds me of the pina colada song. 🙂

I say don't tell. If he knew you'd cheated he might feel honor bound to divorce you, sell the house, your kids would have a disrupted life and you'd all be miserable. What's the point? You've learned from your mistake, now be a better wife.

Moros · 04/09/2026 22:12

LittlestBoho · 04/09/2026 20:55

Your DH might have been having an affair too and that's why you both started treating each other better. This really reminds me of the pina colada song. 🙂

I say don't tell. If he knew you'd cheated he might feel honor bound to divorce you, sell the house, your kids would have a disrupted life and you'd all be miserable. What's the point? You've learned from your mistake, now be a better wife.

Snogging someone on a drunken night out is a mistake. A year-long affair is a protracted series of calculated betrayals and lies.

brunettemic · 04/09/2026 22:42

rubyslippers · 03/09/2026 17:32

I couldn’t but what a dilemma to be in
if the roles were reversed would you want to know?

Interesting to see the answers on here if the roles were reversed too…