AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

The man you cheated with could confess to his wife and if that happened, she would in turn probably try and tell your husband. It's not hard to get hold of someone now with insta/facebook.
You might be taking it to the grave but you can't control other people.

Which is a consequence of your actions. Cheating on him was shitty enough, taking that choice away from him and planning to lie to him knowing he wouldn't stay married to you is even worse.

Hopefully he will somehow find out in a different manner.

The only person to be mad at in that scenario is your dad for shagging around.
Your mum has an absolute right to know whether or not she was having monogamous sex. It isn't just about ethics it's about sexual and physical health

After what you've done that really should be you husband's choice to make and not yours. At least afford him that.

Well done you. You managed to not get the clap. That makes it all OK

The only decision to make really - make sure you tell no one ….. not even a best friend!

That should be his decision to make. Don’t think you are somehow being noble by shouldering this guilt to protect your family. What you did was despicable and selfish. Choosing to allow your husband to live in your lies is worse.

Ive said you're not being unreasonable as long as this is a learning experience for you.

However about 3 months ago it came out that my husband had an affair 9 years ago. We are now getting divorced. Part of me wishes I'd known earlier. What I'm saying is i wouldn't count on it never coming out... these things do unravel.

Keep it to yourself. Don't blow up their world

If you are no longer committed to your marriage, end the relationship.

If you want to recommit to being a good partner in marriage, keep quiet.

God I hope he does

Hard agree. No one. Ever.

If it ever does come out, make a clean breast & don't compound your infidelity with more lies. Then, and only then, will be the time to own up to your betrayal of the trust on which marriage depends. Be honest about your reasons for wanting keep the adultery secret: to keep your home/marriage/family together. Immediately seek couples counselling. It might or might not save your marriage. It might make divorcing more open and straightforward. Until then, it's your burden to bear.
So sorry, OP. It happens.

Forget about it, you’ve been daft but it’s not worth trashing your family to ease your guilt. You’ve learned
from it, you’re not likely gonna
do it again.

Seek counselling and work through your feelings, OP. You need to be clear on so many things, like why you want to tell him and what the outcome might be. You need help to figure things out before you say anything, in my opinion.

I can’t believe how judgemental some women are. I can fully understand that your marriage was going through a bad patch and you turned to someone else for comfort. Now it’s over, your marriage is back on track and you’ve absolutely made the right decision to keep quiet. Nothing will be gained by telling your husband and everything will possibly be lost. The damage to your children would be colossal.
Take no notice of these ‘holier than thou’ comments. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! Good Luck

For an entire year? I'm sorry but I can't understand that and if it makes me judgemental, so be it.

What will be gained is her husband's right to know the truth and decide what he wants to do. He shouldn't be lied to for the rest of his life.

Again, call me judgemental if you like but OP wasn't thinking about any damage to her children when she was off shagging someone else for a year. She just doesn't want to get found out.

Yeah and if it was YOUR life on the line you would do exactly the same thing, you would move to survival mode not Sunday service mode. People on the internet just love to give people advice them themselves would never follow.

Come on, it isn't hard to not cheat on your husband. Especially for an entire year. If someone does, they deserve the consequences. I wouldn't do the same thing because I wouldn't cheat on my husband. Easy.

At least we should stop pretending that it's all about protecting the needs of a husband and kids who clearly weren't given a seconds thought when shagging someone else.

But men don’t confess. Time and time again here you read about confessions having to be winkled out of them one minimised lie at a time. They simply don’t see the point in blowing up their comfy lives and they don’t worry if it makes them selfish.

What a load of self-serving nonsense. If you loved and respected your spouse then how could you treat them so callously as to not only have a year-long affair in the first place, but to then plan to lie to them about it forever more? Do you really think so little of the person you're married to?

Based on the majority of responses on this thread, women also don't confess because they too don't see the point of blowing up their comfy lives. They just like to pretend they're doing it for their husband's benefit.

Or the childrens.
Coming from a broken home myself, I can tell you that kids are the ones who suffer most.

I think you have to walk in someone elses shoes before you stand on a pedestal and damn anyone who doesn't meet your high standards....be they real or imaginary.

To be fair I'd never be wearing these particular shoes as I've got too much self-respect, and respect for those I care about, to have an affair in the first place, let alone one that went on for a year and only ended because my affair partner moved away.

If the OP had ended the affair because she'd realised she was being a shitty, selfish person then I might have a modicum of sympathy. But no. It's all about her and what she thinks is best for her. All this bollocks about how telling the truth would hurt her husband and kids is self-serving justification to continue being a shitty, selfish person.

Btw I do come from a broken home. I'm a strong believer it's better to come from a broken home rather than to live in one. Relationships that are built on lies are broken.

You don't know she is 'pretending'; people make mistakes and can be genuinely sorry for them.

Relationships can be mended, hopfully this one can be.