AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

I’m so sorry. I’ve been in this situation before and it is impossible. I realised a few months before mine and had a lot of therapy. My counsellor said, ‘would you rather sign up to be miserable forever or have a blip right now and then the chance to be happier again…?’ Which for me was a no brainer.

I cancelled the wedding and my mum let everyone know and cancelled all suppliers etc. everyone was very understanding and said afterwards they were so glad I had called off beforehand and not gone through with it.

I also work in the industry and have had couples cancel really last minute, this does happen.

I think deep down you know what you want to do you just have to summon the courage to do it. Very best of luck. Sending strength!!

Christ, no. Don’t sign yourself up to an unhappy life because someone might be pissed off that they lost a hotel booking and paid for an outfit. They can sell the clothes on Vinted and hotels usually have a cancellation policy up to 24 hours before.

Don’t listen to that poster - would they also be pissed off if someone in the bridal party was taken ill or died before the wedding? Unexpected things happen, and they shouldn’t have spent money they weren’t willing to lose.

You really can’t go ahead with this wedding.

Have you got wedding insurance? It may not cover cancelling by choice but you could check.

I would have a conversation with the people who booked hotels.

Please don't stay until your children are teens, OP. Your story reminds me so much of my best friend. Her husband is exactly the same as your fiancé; my friend did literally everything and carried the full mental load as soon as they had children, and her lazy arse husband just sat back and accused her of nagging whenever she asked him to help until she gave up. She wanted to leave him when her children were toddlers but decided to wait until they were teenagers. By then, though, she was so worn down and exhausted by him, she couldn't muster the energy or motivation to end the marriage. Her children are 25 and 23 now, and she's still there. She despises him, but also can't seem to see a way out, and she's this shadow of who she used to be. My funny, vivacious, amazing best friend. It breaks my heart.

I wouldn't be worrying about nights away from the children as there won't be any. He doesn't bother now, do you seriously think he is up to having them on his own and would want to?

You do only get one life, don't abuse the privilege of being here by wasting it. Life is too long - hopefully! - to give it away to someone who will have moved on with someone new in a very short time once you sort your head and do the necessary.

Financially he has to support his kids and you earn the same. Get the house valued so you have an idea of where you are.

Do not worry about what costs the guests have incurred. It's on them to plan for cancellations and if some want you to reimburse them, deal with that later.

You haven't made a single argument for staying never mind marrying this man and the only sensible thing to do it to call it off. Today.

I called off a wedding with six weeks to go because the guy was cheating on me. Different situation but iI felt so embarrassed at the time, and I hated inconveniencing people but the feeling of embarrassment passed quite quickly. Now, 10 years later, I occasionally think “wrf, that was crazy” but I’d say it’s generally forgotten about as I’ve moved on. I didn’t have kids with him so implications weren’t the same in that regard.

I personally think there’s no way you should marry him. A few friends are currently going through divorces and it’s such hassle and expensive.

Sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t read the full thread and not sure if it has been suggested but is it possible you could get a counselling session together quickly to talk through this with a mediator? I think you should cancel OP

@ThisFunnyZebra If ever you needed courage, now is the hour.

I can see why it would be easier just to go ahead because it's messy, a logistical nightmare and financially costly.

But, in your heart you know that your future with him is going to be completely soul destroying, is that a cheaper price for you to pay? Absolutely not!

The pain of cancelling, the unknown outcome, the fear of not being able to manage, is all short term but the long term gain for both you and your children, is infinite.

I don't really understand who on earth is counselling you to stay, there are zero positives for you in this relationship and you already know that if you don't leave now, it will definitely happen at some point in the future. So prolonging your suffering doesn't seem to be a wise decision.

Courage, is being afraid but doing it anyway.

You can have a better life, one you truly want but you have to choose it for you and the little ones.

Make your decision from a point of strength and courage @ThisFunnyZebra not fear.

Wishing you strength, solidarity and fortitude at such a difficult time.

My cousin did this.
No regrets.
They both went on to find happiness with other people.
Do not marry him, op. You are doing everything alone anyway, might as well continue but be happy x

This! My divorce took years and we had to go to court numerous times over the money.

Definitely call it off. If he's that useless lots of people will be happy for you. In any case they aren't having to marry him...

Your body/panic attacks are strongly telling you what to do.

You need to talk to him today @ThisFunnyZebra . It’s good that you’re talking to others and us, but you must talk to him. In-depth and reach a conclusion that you both agree to. Then act on it.

As I see it, you have three options:

1. Postpone. Swallow the lost costs, let guests know the wedding is off. Then arrange counselling. He needs to commit to seeking help for his depression. Can he be signed off work by GP? Is he on meds? Depression is awful and debilitating, so I have empathy for him. You mentioned that he’s always been depressive. Naturally a close bereavement will impact him hard, the root causes of the underlying depression needs addressing. This is crucial. After a while, when the dust is settled you can both work on your relationship. If either of you decide to split you can both say you’ve tried and might be able to split amicably.
2. Marry him. Knowing that some friends and family at the wedding know your doubts. He knows your doubts…not really an option is it? Sounds more like a prison sentence to me, with an inflexible release date.
3. Call it off and break up. Accept the financial hit of the wedding. See a solicitor, get the ball rolling selling the house. Could you do this? On top of the fallout of cancelling the wedding?

I had twins your twins age, and was pregnant with my third baby. My ex never pulled his weight around the house or with the kids. I felt that he wanted to be my priority, and resented me prioritising the kids. A man child. Whoever said up thread that you don’t really know the man until he’s a father is right. We married before I was pregnant and I had zero concerns about him being a decent dad. By the time I realised how lousy a parent he was, I had three kids under three years old.

We split when our youngest was 13. My only regret is that we didn’t split years before. It was hard, really hard, but I got through it. You will too. But you have to accept that decisions need to be made, for yourself and your little twins. One loving mum is better for them than two unhappy parents. Kids, even young kids pick up on tension far more than we realise.

Whatever path you choose will be difficult, but you need to step on the path today. Lean on friends for practical and emotional support. 💐

No I don't. It's a relatively small amount for them. If you do this for everyone you'll be bankrupt.

Cancel the wedding. Siunds like you're carrying the weight of the world. Also from what youve said, he wouldn't manage the twins 50/50 so I'd suggest he has them a lot less, especially while they are small.

If you split now it may be less upheaval for them? I know youre worried about money but you may be entitled to universal credit and their dad will need to pay maintenance.

@ThisFunnyZebra the point is absolutely not about what other people think. It’s about what’s best for you.
What’s the difference between a cancelled wedding and guests coming from all over to see you miserably down the aisle in a fake wedding - and then you get divorced in a year or two? And to ‘stay for the kids’ - so they watch you slog away while he sits with his feet up, listen while you bicker, feel the waves of irritation and resentment from - would you really want that for them? They learn about relationships from watching yours. If you were my daughter I’d be urging you to cancel, and offering to help in any way I could. If it was your daughter in this scenario, what would you say to her?

I understand your fears about possibly loosing your job and being financially exposed. But they are just that - fears. An imaginary scenario that you built in your head which may absolutely never happen. But what is an absolute indisputable fact is what you have a the moment - a man-child who contributes financially but needs extensive management just to function as a family man.
Everyone is scared of the unknown but the unknown is a figment of your imagination at this stage. If it happens, you will be able to make a plan. Until it does, please focus on events as they are at the moment.
And I agree with the previous poster, there will always be an excuse for you not to leave him. Every transitional stage for your child will reinforce the excuse - starting primary, secondary, GCSE, A-levels, uni, them buying houses, having babies.... And then another 30+ years will pas and you still haven't lived the life that YOU want to live. Nothing can be scarier than arriving at this place in your 50s.

If you're worried about the guests, consider how depressing it is watching a couple celebrate a marriage that is clearly not happy. Do you really want to force everyone else to put a brave face on it too?

a friend of mine had a child with a big earner, he was very wealthy & because they’d never married, when they broke up, she was left with very little & is still struggling to afford her child’s lifestyle & he offers her the bare minimum. Any time is ok to call off a wedding, right up until the last day if the love isn’t there.

Cancel the wedding. It ties you together - you will stand up there on that day with a heart full of pain and regret do not do it.

Wake up tomorrow, get someone who you know will back you all the way to sit with you and go through every step and cancel it.

If I was on my way to a wedding and had booked accommodation I would not be so petty as to ask for the money back but yes maybe some people will be - I would understand it's a major life tragedy having to cancel like that at last moment not a minor problem.

God, please dno't give til they are teens - it won't last and you will split anyway - why should your children grow up with bickering miserable parents

You will both be happier apart - there is no reason to think he might not be happier single anyway.

Free him and yourself - and work on the relationship being a good co parenting one.

If he isn’t a hands on dad when you are in a relationship together there isn’t a hope in hell he is going to improve if you aren’t together. He needs to want to be a good dad and that motivation doesn’t appear to be there. Would he even make an effort to see his children if you weren’t together?

you need to do what’s best for YOU and no one else.

That’s a difficult situation.
I often wonder if I should have continued with my own wedding. I did and my marriage is more like house mates. My DH is a good man but with similar difficulties. As DC get older I increasingly mourn the loss of having a close, intimate relationship with someone for most of my adult life. But DC got a good Dad and I may not have met anyone else.
Can you be bluntly honest with your fiancé? Can you explore asap if he would be open to getting some support or change? At least then you can make a more informed choice.

By the way I can think off the top of my head of two weddings I've been to where I was absolutely certain the bride didn't really want to go ahead.

One of those marriages ended quickly in a very unpleasant breakdown - the other one they are still unhappily together.

You can't seriously think a wedding guest believes their day out matters more than your actual life?

Honestly “staying together for the children” is the most selfish thing parents could possibly do. You are teaching children that is normality… daily bickering, laziness, tolerating laziness, putting others needs before your own. You will cause your children more harm than separating in an amicable way. It sounds like neither of you are happy at the moment but just trundling alone and life is too short!

Cancel it ASAP and give guests the ability to not travel. Some will still come and make use of the accommodation. Talk to the caterer - there might be a workaround given there might be time not to buy all the ingredients. In cancelling the celebrant, and venue, there might be a couple willing to take the spot last minute, hopefully giving them their forever after. This is all dependent on you cancelling ASAP though. Sorry you're going through this, your sliding doors moment. What version of life can you live with?

Why have you organised a wedding to someone who wouldn't do the same for you?
He won't leave you either because you make his life easier so leaving is something you'll have to decide on and arrange that too.
in 10 years time you'll look back and think wtf and realise how young you were and ask yourself why you didn't put yourself first.

My friend was talking about your post when I saw her yesterday. Interestingly she shared with me she wished she had never married her husband for similar reasons as you. She said she didn’t want to upset others as wedding was booked and thought she would be putting the kids first and now she feels like her soul has been ripped from her body every day and she regrets it whenever she see’s a couple who looks genuinely happy or in love as they are just plodding alone with life and she is so lonely.

Can also confirm.
Call it off.