AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

Getting divorced is costly and a nightmare. Don’t go and get married if you’re not sure. End it now, it’s much better in the long run. People can cancel rooms for refunds or go away and have a night away it’s no biggie x

I nearly called off my wedding the day before due to something my ex did. Felt the pressure to go ahead because all booked, relatives travelled etc. I should have listened to my gut. Wasted another three years with him. Worst mistake I ever made 😬. Marriage can be hard at times when you’re happily married, but bloody miserable when you’re not. Luckily I got it right the second time.

Listen to your gut.

Definitely don’t stay with him until they’re teenagers …I say that as someone with a 15 and 12 year old ! Those years between toddlers and teens are YOUR prime years, you’re young and have energy. Honestly by the time the twins are teens you’ll be exhausted living with him and will be a shadow of yourself. Sounds like he drains the life out of you. Give yourself and your twins a new start. You do everything anyway, so in many ways it will be easier not having him around and his shoes cluttering up the hall and his lazy body taking up the settee.

Dont marry him because you think you ‘should’. And no, you don’t need to pay for guest’s cancelled accommodation xx

Ty not to worry about them. You can’t predict things maybe they won’t mind as ,I h as you think.

remember from your point of view it’s your life a very big decision
for some of your guests it’s a wedding they care about you but its not going to affect their life as much as you - for most of them it will be a minor disruption in the short term

Dont do it. My mum was in this exact situation and did it. She ended up staying with my dad her whole life and now at 75 regrets her whole life with him. Its so sad.

I’m actually not sure on this one. You’ve got 22 month old twins and he’s suffered a bereavement. A lot of marriages and relationships take a downward turn after having babies. It’s very stressful and you see a different side of each other. It’s also hard to make decisions when you’re in the fog of child rearing!

Is he able to start doing more to help you. Can you have a reasonable conversation with him about that? Relationships take work. He is the father of your children. If he’s beyond redemption fair enough but a lot of couples struggle after having kids.

Definitely call off the wedding. It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. If he wants to stay together, get him to commit to therapy.

For as long as you are together, he needs to lighten the load for you. From now on, he is 100% responsible for laundry - washing, drying, ironing, folding, putting away and letting you know when detergent/softener needs to be added to the shopping list. If necessary, create a laminated list and stick it to the fridge (things like wash bedding weekly). It will be a big load off your mind, but doesn't really require too much thinking from him - much easier than something like meal planning and grocery shopping. Give him other jobs as well, easy stuff like emptying the bins, mowing the lawn. Basically, anything that's not going to majorly inconvenience you if it doesn't get done and/or that he can rectify - if he misses putting the bins out then he can take a trip to the dump/recycling centre.

You said you have a mental list of what needs doing. Get it out of your head and onto a whiteboard in the kitchen. He might not start helping with those things, but he will see everything that you are doing and hopefully show you that he appreciates it. I think sometimes the primary caregiver is doing and thinking about so much that their spouse genuinely doesn't see or realise.

As he seems so disinterested in the children now will he even want to have them over if you split?
Living with 2 miserable adults for 10+ years is a bad deal for your children, I can't understand the logic of staying together for the children. Staying miserable so children can be deeply affected and grow up under tension, witnessing the bickering, having a poor role model (him) and a partner who accepts it is not what I'd want my children to grow up learning is normal.

Sell the house and use the money to get each of you something, you'll need a bigger share as you'll have the children. Would this be easier to sort out unmarried or married ?

I don't know the details but more rights for unmarried couples have recently been put out

Agree with this comment from bellhawk

"I would expect nobody to cover my accomodation for a cancelled wedding."

This. Please dont marry someone unless they genuinely light you up, marriage is hard enough when you are madly in love but to start off from an unhappy position is just setting yourself up for wretchedness. Its hard to cancel now I get that but fwiw I think you should just tell everyone your head is not in the right space for a marriage but you are having a party instead. So bloody what if some people think its weird. Have all the party bits, drink some champers, boogie and laugh hopefully feeling lighter cos you have done whats right for you. Gives you a breathing space while you decide. It may end up an expensive party but the alternative is just to be unbearably sad as i think you will regret marrying the very next day. Say no and give yourself time xx

I hope correcting the spelling of someone who has a brain injury makes you feel good about yourself.

My parents separated and got back together on a loop for my entire childhood, finally splitting for good when I was 18 and my sister was 16. My mother said she’d only stayed all those years because of us and we were the reason for her unhappiness. She left, went wild, out partying every night, different guy weekly and then remarried 4 months later.

Do not use your children as a reason to stay.

‘A lot of couples struggle’ By that do you mean a lot of men think they can do fuck all for their baby and partner who had the baby, and having a family is a woman’s responsibility, and understandably a new mum has enormous difficulty accepting this shit?

Just call it off.

Cancel everything. You'll lose all the £ but save yourself years of heartache.

Appreciate he will be cut up, but better that than eventually hating each other.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! What a situation to be in. Honestly though, I think you know the right answer is to cancel the wedding based on how you are feeling. It's not fair to you to have to live another god knows how many years thinking what if. The financial stuff is daunting but it does all work out in the end. And I'm not saying this from experience but I have had friends leave relationships when they haven't been in a financial position to do so but needed to for there mental health.

I have two young children and nothing would turn me off more (can't think of another term to use 😂) than my husband being hopeless with them and not offering support.

Honesty is the best policy. For as difficult as it's going to be, you need to tell him the truth. Maybe have someone look after your twins if you can so you have no distractions for a couple of hours to really chat.

I really hope this all works out for you 🩷. Couldn't agree more with the you only live once, you deserve to be happy x

I think you should cancel, but I doubt you will. If you don't and you end up marrying him then please do some marriage counselling straight away so your communication can improve. If everything was good before the kids then I think some counselling and him having a massive look at himself could help. It is so sad that we do not see the real side of men until we have children with them. If he really knew, like truly understood that you want to leave him and take the kids, would be change his behaviour and do more around the house and with the kids?

It would be kinder to your little twins to do it before they understand.

In my experience men like this just get their mums to look after their children when it’s their time, or they gradually stop showing up.

Life is 100 times better when you don’t live with a useless man lazing around on the sofa and causing an atmosphere.

The guests should have taken out insurance as they would for any trip. Return the wedding presents, of course.

nobody should ever ever marry feeling the way you do OP that's the long and short of it. Your wedding day should feel wonderful, dreamy, like you're the main character and all the good stuff is to come in your marriage. I cannot imagine attempting to hide how I felt for potentially 18 years.

my mum stayed with my stepdad for most of my life not because she loved him, but because she felt insecure living on one income. It was obvious that their relationship wasn't actually romantic most of that time. As the person who grew up in that environment I really, really wouldn't recommend doing that to your children, yourself, or him. you're essentially endorsing that way of living to your children. you deserve so much better and yeah useless dads don't get 50/50 custody anyway

My strong guess is that because of his inherent laziness he won't want the children to stay with him. It'll be too much for him.

When you split up, don't worry about him having the children 50/50. He might have them on a Saturday, for example, but I think that'll soon peter out

Don't marry him

I commented above about being a guest at a cancelled wedding. Absolutely do not offer to pay guests accommodation costs. Totally unnecessary. An apology for inconvenience and a short bland explanation was all that was needed for me. ( and this wedding was on a different continent!)

thinking about it, I feel more fondly about by the cancelled wedding / bonus weekend away , than I do about 2 weddings (also abroad) that I went to which ended in divorce within 5 years.

the bigger picture is that it just isn’t right between you and you would not be being true to yourself top go ahead with it.

Yup, call it off, there's no sane alternative and everyone will understand. Many (most?) will be delighted that they've got the weekend back.

If you decide to marry, there is no shame in divorcing once the twins are over 6. But only marry if you can have a happy enough life for those years.

Toddler twins, a wedding and a bereavement must be top rate stress factors! I think your life as parents is going to get better from here.
Your DH might benefit from counselling.

Make a list of all chores and ask DH to choose three. And leave him to adjust and improve.

Claim couple time - walk together with prams, watch movie. Play cards. Hire a babysitter and leave the chaos regularly.
Garden together. Brain storm new and exciting ways to enjoy your simple crowded life.

Keep contact with uplifting helpful people.

Will you be able to maintain a respectful, practical parenting relationship if you call it off?
You can always have an elopement later if things do return to former positivity.

Don't go ahead with it
But firstly decide if the relationship is actually over completely . If it is, work out the financial and legal and housing ramifications. Run the figures through the child maintenance and support calculator to see what you or he will be contributing to the other for the twins and think about what a co-parenting plan will look like.

Sit him down at an appropriate time if day and tell him why you are calling off the relationship completely . You shouldn't marry someone you don't even like any more just because the event had been booked and paid for.

Sounds like he was like this before the bereavement.

And even if op felt he deserved more of a chance, she still shouldn’t marry him at this point, which is the question.