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Original poster

AIBU to continue chatting to him considering these messages?

97 replies

cotswoldsblue · 30/08/2026 23:55

So I work part time as a server at a cafe, and am friends with one of the chefs.

I started in April, and asked him a WhatsApp question in May. From that point on we started chatting a bit on WhatsApp- mainly work gossip. He's very friendly with everyone, and has a girlfriend who he brought up early on in the chats.

A couple of nights ago he seemed either a bit drunk or over tired.
I asked him ''Can I ask you a question about the shifts''? and he replied with ''You can do anything my dear 😘 ' '
I then said I hadn't said goodbye because I was serving a table, and he said ''When I left you were other side of restaurant, I was upset'' with another kiss emoji.
He then asked me if I wanted to see an email chain about a colleague, and I said yes. There was then a bit more chat and he said ''Right, I need you to be with me rn''. I replied with the chain emoji and he came back with ''Filthy c'' ( just using the letter, but I can guess what that means)!

I was confused and a bit taken aback, but he then said '' Okay, ignoring hand cuffs'' and carried on describing the gossip- I think he thought that was what the link emoji was!

The next day all his messages were the same as the other chats we had, neutral, totally platonic, referencing his girlfriend etc.

I don't know if I should feel guilty about the above exchange considering his girlfriend, or just carry on as if nothing happened, which it basically didn't?

The kiss emojis could be just friendly, I can see him using them with anyone to be honest, although I'm not sure.
The phrase ''I need you to be with me right now'' I wouldn't use if I was in a relationship. However I think he may have just meant 'be with me' as in be present for the gossip
The reaction to that link emoji was a bit strong, but he then shut it down quickly saying he was ignoring it.

Do I have anything to be guilty about considering he's attached? All my replies to the above were laugh emojis

Oh and his girlfriend by the way is a new relationship after liking her for a bit, and she's from a conservative culture so I'm not sure they're intimate yet. So I doubt she's around when he's texting me in the evenings.

Regarding if he should be messaging me in the evenings, we work night shifts and it's often coming off shift with gossip etc, so that's not unusual

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 03/09/2026 23:17

Sounds to me like you got your wires crossed accidentally @cotswoldsblue so I’d just be careful to keep it light in future. I might want to explain in person that I had meant email chain and not anything else 🫣🫣🫣 and maybe not message late in the day etc.

(just realised you have explained to him about the chain bit. I don’t think he is trying it on necessarily but backing off won’t hurt)

JMSA · 03/09/2026 23:35

Why are you being a weirdo? He HAS a girlfriend. So stop messaging this creep and analysing his messages.

PixieTales · 04/09/2026 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Weirdwonderfully · 04/09/2026 00:39

cotswoldsblue · 03/09/2026 22:42

So you can’t be friendly with your work colleagues? We’ve already established the above messages weren’t appropriate.

Out of hours for shift work is different from normal out of hours. Our late shift for example is 4pm to midnight, so I do sometimes message after midnight to friends from work who I know don’t mind being contacted at that hour, and vice versa. I doubt messaging at that hour in our team is exclusive to me and the above colleague.

All our other messages are just idle chats, nothing too personal and not the type of content above, which is why I asked if it crossed such a line that we shouldn’t talk any more at any hour of the day.

Show quote history

I’d be pissed if my man was getting messages after midnight from a girl he works with it’s not an appropriate time to be doing so. What’s the need for it? Message at midday if anything not in personal wind down time where you know he’ll be spending quality time with his family. It’s weird how entitled you are

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 01:11

The messages aren’t all one sided with me making all the effort and being desperate, I don’t know why everyone’s got that impression. He often messages first, and at a later hour than I would. I’m not suggesting I’m the only one he does that to, although he probably shouldn’t be messaging me in particular so much. They’re normally fine in terms of content.

There aren’t lots of single women in our team so I don’t think he’s messaging strings of women, before that pops up :)

Have taken everyone’s feedback on about the late night messaging, although I did explain about the shift work and that it’s not just me who initiates it

OP posts:
ShakingAndCrying · 04/09/2026 02:43

i know I’m totally missing the point but what’s an email chain?

MonkeyMaze101 · 04/09/2026 07:08

cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 01:11

The messages aren’t all one sided with me making all the effort and being desperate, I don’t know why everyone’s got that impression. He often messages first, and at a later hour than I would. I’m not suggesting I’m the only one he does that to, although he probably shouldn’t be messaging me in particular so much. They’re normally fine in terms of content.

There aren’t lots of single women in our team so I don’t think he’s messaging strings of women, before that pops up :)

Have taken everyone’s feedback on about the late night messaging, although I did explain about the shift work and that it’s not just me who initiates it

I don't think you are getting what people are saying.

It doesn't matter one bit if the messages are one-sided. You know he has a girlfriend and you still partake in messaging that is flirty, attention seeking, sleezy with him. In all honesty what would you NEED to text after midnight? Absolutely nothing.. thats what.

Yeah he might initiate the texts first sometimes but we clearly know that he's a dirtbag and doesn't care about his partner.

You say you're in your 30s and 40s but acting like silly pre-teens woth stupid attention seeking messages. He isn't your friend. He happens to be your colleague but not your friend.

Beingseenisneedy · 04/09/2026 09:21

MonkeyMaze101 · 04/09/2026 07:08

I don't think you are getting what people are saying.

It doesn't matter one bit if the messages are one-sided. You know he has a girlfriend and you still partake in messaging that is flirty, attention seeking, sleezy with him. In all honesty what would you NEED to text after midnight? Absolutely nothing.. thats what.

Yeah he might initiate the texts first sometimes but we clearly know that he's a dirtbag and doesn't care about his partner.

You say you're in your 30s and 40s but acting like silly pre-teens woth stupid attention seeking messages. He isn't your friend. He happens to be your colleague but not your friend.

Show quote history

Agree, he initiates and OP responds, which is her actively choosing to indulge him.
Not all messages need a reply OP, especially from someone with a gf about random stuff.

Are you perhaps lonely?

Blades2 · 04/09/2026 11:40

ShakingAndCrying · 04/09/2026 02:43

i know I’m totally missing the point but what’s an email chain?

Just an email in which there is lots of back and forth between a few people about another person. Classic high school bullying type shit, except this op is 30 and the weird fella she likes to message in a relationship is 40s.
I really hope one day she’s in what she feels is a happy stable relationship, and she comes across messages on her man’s phone from women at work flirting, because as much as we have dumbed it down like we are talking to a 5 year old, she keeps coming back to defend her actions.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 14:34

But I keep saying the content of the messages is normally NOT flirty, it’s just chat, 99% about work and personal dynamics between the kitchen and floor etc?

And I’m only part time so it’s normally triggered by coming off shift and happens about three times a week.

I’ve accepted responsibility for the messages I sent that weren’t appropriate, I’m not defending those, although they weren’t really sent with that intent in mind. I still think his were worse though….

People just keep saying I KEEP sending flirty messages, which I don’t. I do take on the feedback about late night ones though (although I wouldn’t say that was unusual for late night shift work).
He lives with flatmates who work day jobs, not family, so it’s not disrupting their evening.

I don’t feel a drive to talk to him in particular, honestly, although I do like him as a person and he has a lot of good detail about work etc.

What I asked is if that one interaction crossed the line in a way that the back and forth chat should be toned right down, and you’ve confirmed it should be. Thanks all!

OP posts:
Blades2 · 04/09/2026 14:42

cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 14:34

But I keep saying the content of the messages is normally NOT flirty, it’s just chat, 99% about work and personal dynamics between the kitchen and floor etc?

And I’m only part time so it’s normally triggered by coming off shift and happens about three times a week.

I’ve accepted responsibility for the messages I sent that weren’t appropriate, I’m not defending those, although they weren’t really sent with that intent in mind. I still think his were worse though….

People just keep saying I KEEP sending flirty messages, which I don’t. I do take on the feedback about late night ones though (although I wouldn’t say that was unusual for late night shift work).
He lives with flatmates who work day jobs, not family, so it’s not disrupting their evening.

I don’t feel a drive to talk to him in particular, honestly, although I do like him as a person and he has a lot of good detail about work etc.

What I asked is if that one interaction crossed the line in a way that the back and forth chat should be toned right down, and you’ve confirmed it should be. Thanks all!

You in one breath say “i take responsibility for my inappropriate messages” and in the next breath say “but they actually weren’t that bad, his were worse”
I can honestly say with chest, there is wiser in fields eating grass

AmberPeaches · 04/09/2026 14:59

You still aren’t getting it are you?? Like a PP said, are you lonely?!

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 15:14

AmberPeaches · 04/09/2026 14:59

You still aren’t getting it are you?? Like a PP said, are you lonely?!

Not really, I guess I don't get why I can't chat platonically and not too frequently to someone from my work on WhatsApp? As long as boundaries aren't crossed, which was literally my question

We've covered why the messages happen in the evening

OP posts:
GingerdeadMan · 04/09/2026 15:23

Change2banon · 03/09/2026 22:50

I think we should all refrain from being drawn into this child’s post 🙄

When do the schools go back?

Blades2 · 04/09/2026 15:55

cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 15:14

Not really, I guess I don't get why I can't chat platonically and not too frequently to someone from my work on WhatsApp? As long as boundaries aren't crossed, which was literally my question

We've covered why the messages happen in the evening

Show quote history

Boundaries were already crossed and lines blurred. That’s the issues it’s happened once and since you want to continue messaging him and clearly fancy him , it will happen again.

Beingseenisneedy · 04/09/2026 16:04

cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 15:14

Not really, I guess I don't get why I can't chat platonically and not too frequently to someone from my work on WhatsApp? As long as boundaries aren't crossed, which was literally my question

We've covered why the messages happen in the evening

Show quote history

You're signaling to him that you're free and available in the evenings.

If you had a partner, would you still be messaging him at those times?

Would you also be happy if yoyr partner was messaging another woman in the evenings?
Shift work or not, it's still evenings and it doesn't sound like there's much to talk about anyway that you can't deal with at work.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 16:23

Blades2 · 04/09/2026 15:55

Boundaries were already crossed and lines blurred. That’s the issues it’s happened once and since you want to continue messaging him and clearly fancy him , it will happen again.

Show quote history

See I like this answer, it’s honest and exactly what I was asking really. Thank you :)

OP posts:
MonkeyMaze101 · 04/09/2026 17:03

cotswoldsblue · 04/09/2026 15:14

Not really, I guess I don't get why I can't chat platonically and not too frequently to someone from my work on WhatsApp? As long as boundaries aren't crossed, which was literally my question

We've covered why the messages happen in the evening

Show quote history

Because 2 reasons;

  • Your messages aren't platonic (telling him you're sorry you missed him, is flirting... sending chains emoji is flirting etc)
  • You are both messaging about literally nothing at stupid times just to talk to eachother which again isn't platonic
Alittlefrustrated · 04/09/2026 17:11

This is teenage stuff surely?

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 08/09/2026 22:04

Alittlefrustrated · 04/09/2026 17:11

This is teenage stuff surely?

We are both too old for analysing emojis, that’s for sure! 😂

OP posts:
Change2banon · 08/09/2026 23:43

cotswoldsblue · 08/09/2026 22:04

We are both too old for analysing emojis, that’s for sure! 😂

Show quote history

Yet you’re still acting like children 🤨

Blades2 · 09/09/2026 10:19

MonkeyMaze101 · 04/09/2026 17:03

Because 2 reasons;

  • Your messages aren't platonic (telling him you're sorry you missed him, is flirting... sending chains emoji is flirting etc)
  • You are both messaging about literally nothing at stupid times just to talk to eachother which again isn't platonic
Show quote history

Genuinely don’t waste your time here trying to explain.
she sees nothing wrong with messaging other women’s partners 🤢 as my boyfriend keeps telling me, you cannot educate pork.

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