Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to continue chatting to him considering these messages?

97 replies

cotswoldsblue · 30/08/2026 23:55

So I work part time as a server at a cafe, and am friends with one of the chefs.

I started in April, and asked him a WhatsApp question in May. From that point on we started chatting a bit on WhatsApp- mainly work gossip. He's very friendly with everyone, and has a girlfriend who he brought up early on in the chats.

A couple of nights ago he seemed either a bit drunk or over tired.
I asked him ''Can I ask you a question about the shifts''? and he replied with ''You can do anything my dear 😘 ' '
I then said I hadn't said goodbye because I was serving a table, and he said ''When I left you were other side of restaurant, I was upset'' with another kiss emoji.
He then asked me if I wanted to see an email chain about a colleague, and I said yes. There was then a bit more chat and he said ''Right, I need you to be with me rn''. I replied with the chain emoji and he came back with ''Filthy c'' ( just using the letter, but I can guess what that means)!

I was confused and a bit taken aback, but he then said '' Okay, ignoring hand cuffs'' and carried on describing the gossip- I think he thought that was what the link emoji was!

The next day all his messages were the same as the other chats we had, neutral, totally platonic, referencing his girlfriend etc.

I don't know if I should feel guilty about the above exchange considering his girlfriend, or just carry on as if nothing happened, which it basically didn't?

The kiss emojis could be just friendly, I can see him using them with anyone to be honest, although I'm not sure.
The phrase ''I need you to be with me right now'' I wouldn't use if I was in a relationship. However I think he may have just meant 'be with me' as in be present for the gossip
The reaction to that link emoji was a bit strong, but he then shut it down quickly saying he was ignoring it.

Do I have anything to be guilty about considering he's attached? All my replies to the above were laugh emojis

Oh and his girlfriend by the way is a new relationship after liking her for a bit, and she's from a conservative culture so I'm not sure they're intimate yet. So I doubt she's around when he's texting me in the evenings.

Regarding if he should be messaging me in the evenings, we work night shifts and it's often coming off shift with gossip etc, so that's not unusual

OP posts:
Weirdwonderfully · 31/08/2026 08:33

I would be pissed if you were messaging my man like this and he was doing the same. Better yet I’d be wondering why you had to message him at all when it’s not important or proper friends

TFImBackIn · 31/08/2026 08:37

Can you clarify who he was calling a filthy cunt? Regardless, though, I wouldn't have typed another word after that.

DontyMon · 31/08/2026 08:42

The link between a chain emoji and an email chain is so ridiculously tenuous, OP! I can't believe you thought that.
You were flirting, he flirted back.

Dandeloosha · 31/08/2026 08:46

You know he’s in a relationship. Back off.

whippersnapper55 · 31/08/2026 11:13

Yes it was flirting, from both of you. Keep it professional from now on!

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 31/08/2026 23:19

Blades2 · 31/08/2026 01:38

Very glad you’re not my work mate. Bitchy and gossipy behaviour reading an email between others 🤢
and yes, the chef is disgusting.

Show quote history

Oh no it was fairly minor, the person forwarded it to the chef themselves calling out management for something.

Thanks all, confirming the messages crossed a line, and any future messaging should be very neutral.

OP posts:
Weirdwonderfully · 31/08/2026 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AmberPeaches · 01/09/2026 07:37

You’re just as bad!! You started messaging over nothing! Drop the fake coy stuff as well, you sound about 15….

Jk987 · 01/09/2026 07:47

Do you fancy him and do you enjoy the messaging?

You‘re over analysing everything. What do you actually want?

Sparrowsandbudgies · 01/09/2026 07:52

Moveoverdarlin · 31/08/2026 00:23

You started a conversation saying ‘I didn’t say goodbye because I was serving a table’.

I mean talk about finding any excuse to start a chat...

This.

Stop messaging someone who is in a relationship like this.

Bananacrepewithnuts · 01/09/2026 19:07

Moveoverdarlin · 31/08/2026 00:23

You started a conversation saying ‘I didn’t say goodbye because I was serving a table’.

I mean talk about finding any excuse to start a chat...

Yeah this is what I thought.

Step back. Don't encourage him and keep the messages professional.
X

OneTipsyDreamer · 01/09/2026 19:17

I thought you were going to say you were 20 or so! Why are you even txting him to say “sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye” ? Why are you picking apart the messages, just leave him alone, he’s got a girlfriend. Oh and stop gossiping about your work colleagues.

Sammyspurs · 01/09/2026 19:28

Really unprofessional you getting involved in workplace politics and ‘gossip’ as you put it. Why put your self literately in the firing line when it comes out they’re sharing this information? You’re in your 30s and 40s grow up.

MonkeyMaze101 · 01/09/2026 19:47

cotswoldsblue · 31/08/2026 23:19

Oh no it was fairly minor, the person forwarded it to the chef themselves calling out management for something.

Thanks all, confirming the messages crossed a line, and any future messaging should be very neutral.

Show quote history

Or you could.just stop messaging at all?

Flirty messages with a man in a relationship, idle gossip about other colleagues... its all very school like. There's no reason to text him at all.

SpaceShark · 01/09/2026 19:50

Why are you messaging him?

QueenAstrid · 01/09/2026 19:52

Grow up and stop messaging him. If he was interested he wouldn’t keep dropping his girlfriend into conversation. And it’s none of your business if they’ve slept together or not.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 01/09/2026 19:53

SpaceShark · 01/09/2026 19:50

Why are you messaging him?

He’s my friend? I kind of wanted to know if those messages on that night crossed a line that I should feel guilty doing so if he’s in a relationship

All other messages are fine

OP posts:
Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 01/09/2026 19:54

QueenAstrid · 01/09/2026 19:52

Grow up and stop messaging him. If he was interested he wouldn’t keep dropping his girlfriend into conversation. And it’s none of your business if they’ve slept together or not.

Oh no the only reason why I added that context is to make it clear she may not be around in the evenings. So he’s not getting home and messaging me when she’s about et c

No other reason!

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 01/09/2026 20:48

cotswoldsblue · 30/08/2026 23:55

So I work part time as a server at a cafe, and am friends with one of the chefs.

I started in April, and asked him a WhatsApp question in May. From that point on we started chatting a bit on WhatsApp- mainly work gossip. He's very friendly with everyone, and has a girlfriend who he brought up early on in the chats.

A couple of nights ago he seemed either a bit drunk or over tired.
I asked him ''Can I ask you a question about the shifts''? and he replied with ''You can do anything my dear 😘 ' '
I then said I hadn't said goodbye because I was serving a table, and he said ''When I left you were other side of restaurant, I was upset'' with another kiss emoji.
He then asked me if I wanted to see an email chain about a colleague, and I said yes. There was then a bit more chat and he said ''Right, I need you to be with me rn''. I replied with the chain emoji and he came back with ''Filthy c'' ( just using the letter, but I can guess what that means)!

I was confused and a bit taken aback, but he then said '' Okay, ignoring hand cuffs'' and carried on describing the gossip- I think he thought that was what the link emoji was!

The next day all his messages were the same as the other chats we had, neutral, totally platonic, referencing his girlfriend etc.

I don't know if I should feel guilty about the above exchange considering his girlfriend, or just carry on as if nothing happened, which it basically didn't?

The kiss emojis could be just friendly, I can see him using them with anyone to be honest, although I'm not sure.
The phrase ''I need you to be with me right now'' I wouldn't use if I was in a relationship. However I think he may have just meant 'be with me' as in be present for the gossip
The reaction to that link emoji was a bit strong, but he then shut it down quickly saying he was ignoring it.

Do I have anything to be guilty about considering he's attached? All my replies to the above were laugh emojis

Oh and his girlfriend by the way is a new relationship after liking her for a bit, and she's from a conservative culture so I'm not sure they're intimate yet. So I doubt she's around when he's texting me in the evenings.

Regarding if he should be messaging me in the evenings, we work night shifts and it's often coming off shift with gossip etc, so that's not unusual

What did you mean by the chain emoji?

Tbh it all sounds a bit dramatic and something or nothing

Zucker · 01/09/2026 21:05

The faux naivety from your posts OP. Of course you know where this is going and so does he. That's why he keep dropping in about the girlfriend. So when you both do cross the line, it'll be against both of your wills and of course there was nothing either of you could do to stop it all from happening. 🙄

AmberPeaches · 01/09/2026 22:01

You seem a bit/very desperate OP. Why the fuck would you message to say “oh sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye”?!

you obviously fancy this guy and are looking for any reason to speak to him. It’s really, sad… to be honest.

TimeDoesntStandStill · 02/09/2026 06:52

You shouldnt be messaging him yabu to have contacted him privately initially. Havent you got a group whatsapp for that or just wait until your next shift.

Hes not your friend, youve known him 5 months, hes your colleague and thats all.

Id delete but not block on whatsapp so your not tempted to message him again. If he messages you keep it neutral and bland, eventually it will stop, just keep deleting the chat after each interaction. Its unprofessional how youve acted and youve probs given him wrong idea with all your messaging.

Empress13 · 02/09/2026 07:15

You started the flirty chat with I didn’t say goodbye! Who would even send that unless you wanted a reaction from him? Be truthful OP

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 02/09/2026 07:26

Ok either you fancy him or you desperately want him to fancy you. But you’re going out of your way to contact this guy and you’re over thinking your interactions.

Original poster
cotswoldsblue · 02/09/2026 07:38

This I didn’t say goodbye seems to be getting strong reactions.

It wasn’t something I started a chat with, it was something I said in the middle of the chat above. It is something I’ve said to other friends at work as well? If I just disappear in the middle of shift

He’s messaged similar to me before- “not much chance of a catch-up last night”…

Got it though, it’s too much if he has a girlfriend especially considering the messages that crossed a line.

I’m not sure if I fancy him, he’s just a work friend really. But I don’t have a choice if he has a girlfriend anyway, which you’ve all made clear!

OP posts: