AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

Echoing others, there are plenty’s of males in need of care who choose male carers only.
The care company will do their best to accommodate any reasonable requests.

Of course she can choose what sex a carer is. I refused to allow a man in my house, I had reasons but it makes no difference.
The care company sent a man one day at lunch, he walked into my house, using the key from my key safe. I was traumatised (it wasn’t his fault, he just went where he was told) and the care company tried to justify it as it was just to help with lunch and not personal care.

i sacked them that day and sought my own PA.

Stop gaslighting your mother, she is totally entitled to refuse people that she doesn’t want.

At the moment but she is also on a waiting list for memory issues. While she is compos mentis she is stating clearly that at no point does she want an unknown man to be her carer. It isn't hard to understand why even if they aren't washing her yet.

Would you tolerate intimate care by someone of the other sex? I wouldn’t .
Call the company and state she wants female only.

My partner is an adult social worker and uses to be a carer. She says that you can have this added to the care plan.
Some religions will not allow a woman to be cared for by a man who is not a relative and the situation is managed in that case so your mum's situation is not unusual
Speak to your local authority if they are providing care.... They may need to speak to your mum as well..... Or speak to the agency directly if you're self funding

Of course she can. If the agency refuse, get another agency.

I work in social care and unfortunately in my area we can't very often give a choice as there aren't enough carers. The exception would be a previous traumatic event or religious reasons. In my experience a fair number of males prefer female carers but females generally do prefer female carers. In hospital it is a mix so that can help persuade acceptance especially if it's the difference between being at home or not being at home.

Absolutely she should be able to request a same sex carer

Of course she should be able to decide what sex her carer is. Why would you be so disrespectful to your Mother and expect her to be looked after by a man?

@Vaxtable not true. I work for social care this is not allowed as it’s discriminatory tgere has to be a very good reason for only female staff. May be different if self funding but not council funded care.

@Cakes1982 exactly I also work in social care and it’s discriminatory to choose unless there is a very specific need for female only.

From experience.

Im very sorry, but yes you are (unknowingly perhaps) being unreasonable. You are also wrong, your mum can refuse male carers.

Phone the care company and say that your mum only wants female carers. If she is distressed by the prospect of male carers turning up, then tell them that too. They have to take her wishes into account. The care system is fully aware that women born in the 1930s (my mum) and 40s are of a completely different upbringing and mindset than may be expected these days.

Your mum's care company should have a care plan in place, which they should have discussed with your mum (and potentially your mum's advocate, I was my mum's advocate. She would often tell people she wouldn't talk to them, they had to talk to me). Mun's care plan was a ring binder with over 30 pages in it, detailing precisely her visit times, exactly what was to be provided and when, and background information to allow carers to be able to know a bit about her, etc. This preference for same sex carers should be documented in her care plan.

The care company has to agree to your mum's preferences, but there is a "but". In certain circumstances (usually if the rota'd carer is off sick) and no replacement same sex carer is available, then they will have to send a male carer. We agreed on the condition we were warned in advance, and I would go over to "chaperone". If memory serves this happened about 3 times in 2 years.

If your mum has memory problems and confusion, she needs an advocate. Someone to protect her and stand up for her, as well as guide her through this part of her life. This can be an individual, or family as a whole. The carers can deal with her everyday needs. If you haven't already, I would get power of attorney for both health and welfare, and for finance. You will need it, and you need it sorted before she is no longer compos mentis, otherwise you'll need to go to court.

I know this is an awful lot to take on board. I've been there. It will be hard at times. Make sure you have support of your own, and that your family is on the same page.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your family. Take care.

She can try, but she needs to understand it probably won't be possible all the time. As a rule client's wishes for their care are prioritised as long as they are reasonable and not detrimental, but they have to be balanced against what the service can offer. Your mum has my sympathies💐

Yes of course she can and she should. I would request the same. I don't want a random man i don't know in my home at any age.

You're not serious, surely? Your Mum has the right to request female only carers. My Mum did and I ensured it was adhered to. She felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea of male carers. Already probably scared by current confusion and ill health you should be ensuring you adhere as much as possible to your Mum's wishes.

There's an exception in law if you need personal care. She can choose women only if she wants.

So a poor woman isn't entitled to the same power over who comes into her home where she is vulnerable, provides food, medication or her personal intimate care as a wealthy one? Because that would be discriminating against the male she doesn't want seeing her naked and cleaning her?

The good reason for only having female carers is that the person only wants female carers. End of. No need to beg and disclose previous sexual assaults, no need to beg and point out religious membership, no need to beg and try to make up something that won't be snorted at derisively by the admin staff.

You can choose, my mum preferred male carers, she thought they were more qualified for some reason.

It's about her comfort level and she's uncomfortable with a strange male in her home. Why would you have a problem with that?

Yeah, you’re completely out of order. Your mum has every right to make requests in line with what makes her feel comfortable and safe. As she actually has capacity, you should be encouraging her to do so and advocating for her. It doesn’t matter what type of care it is. A lot of women, of all ages have trauma/and or fear involving men (and vice versa). Even if she doesn’t, her request is not unreasonable. I assume most services involving care use a trauma informed approach and are person centred. This will not be new to them. Listen to what your mum is telling you.

She can ask, but she might get no care as a result. If there are not enough female carers - and it is a backbreaking job, she won’t get care.
It is her choice though.

Rubbish. It is not 'discriminatory' for a woman to refuse consent for a male to provide her care. Women don't have to prove why they want/need it.

This uses 'gender' 🙄but explains the basis, and that the CQC expects this request to be accommodated:

https://kells-care.com/carer-gender-preference/amp/#what-cqc-the-equality-act-and-the-care-act-say-about-carer-gender-preference

If having female carers makes your mum feel safer and happier when she is older and more vulnerable in her own home then I would definitely be calling them to make the request. Im sure the male carers are lovely but she may feel like this is one of the last few decisions she has control of so give it to her.

You can certainly ask but there is no guarantee that it will be provided based on staff availability.

The OP posted yesterday at 16:35 that the company has agreed to provide only women to care from her mother