AIBU to say my mum cannot choose carers by gender?

Can I ask what kind of profession this is?

I don't think your Mother is unreasonable to request female carers for ' personal care,' ie toilet, washing and dressing. However I can't see what the issue is with preparing meals and giving medication. A lot of male carers are great at their jobs and goodness knows after working for 30 years in the sector I know we need to recruit and retain more staff regardless of gender. If your Mother was in hospital there would be no choice, but I can understand why this would be different in her own home. It is less usual for men to express preference for same sex carers for personal care, because it is seen as more traditional to have women in caring/ nursing roles. If I were an elderly lady I would not be happy being assisted to shower by a male carer, ( though I might change my mind if I had build up a good relationship and rapport with a male carer before hand, and the personal care gradually became an extension of the other support provided) but some ladies don't give a hoot and don't mind showering assistance from a man from the start.

You are being totally unreasonable. Your mum has every right to prefer a female carer.

The carers would have all gone through police disclosure checks. All the male carers I have worked with are respectful, compassionate gentleman who take things at the clients pace as much as they can.

It's SEX not gender and yes she can.

Op's mum still has a right to choose. Of course most are fine but predators can be good at hiding, I would personally not want to be cared for as an elderly woman by a man.

'If your Mother was in hospital there would be no choice'

• is that really true?

Yes isn't this against the Equality Act? As per that you can request a particular sex person if you have a legitimate reason: and intimate care is certainly that.

The EA allows single-sex service exceptions based on privacy and decency, but absolute guarantees aren’t automatic. Emergencies, staff shortages, or lack of appropriate staff can all limit a care agency's ability to honour same-sex preferences on any given day.

Courts have ruled that local authorities don’t have a blanket legal duty to provide same-sex intimate care via written policy under a combined reading of the Care Act 2014, the Equality Act 2010, or the Human Rights Act 1998, but that under regulations 2014 of the Health and Social Care Act 2008 CQC-registered providers must make every effort to respect an individual's choices, and plan support regarding intimate or personal care around their preferences wherever possible.

I think the message here is that exercising that right to choose may result in someone being left without care on occasion if the provider is unable to comply with their preference.

It’s her choice , being elderly doesn’t change her decision on what gender helps her with her personal care.

She has the right to choose who is in her home washing her!! Would you be comfortable with me sending a random man you don't know or want to wash your genitals this morning?

Dont see why age erases autonomy!!!

She has the right to choose, but the care agency doesn’t have a statutory duty to comply with her choice. She can register a preference, but in certain situations, if the provider can’t meet that preference, sticking to her guns may mean she goes without care on any given day.

My mum had dementia and was hospitalised for a UTI. She was never asked whether she would prefer a male or female carer - it was whoever was available to help at the time care was needed.

This horrific abuse happened in New Zealand but would offer caution against trusting male caregivers in rest homes.

Patients - especially vulnerable ones - should have every right to request same sex carers.

www.rnz.co.nz/news/crime-and-justice/680064/caregiver-who-was-jailed-for-raping-elderly-woman-and-sexually-assaulting-another-named

She absolutely can choose to have women carers only

I had to involve the police with one of my relative's male carers so I always stipulate female carers only.
You can too.

My mum hated it too, she was the most independent, houseproud and private woman ever. My dad has Alzheimer's too unfortunately so they have 2 carers 4 times a day and usually an on call alert team in about 3pm. We genuinely love some of our regulars like family now. My mum looks forward to seeing them too now after all. I really dont know what we would do without them as i don't live in same area and my sister runs a business but we muddle by. I hope your mum gets used to it too, they really are a lifeline to staying in your own home when you need help as an elderly person. It is tough for everyone involved. ❤️

It's not entirely random, is it? They are a carer, employed by the carer agency.

And the person is expecting someone. So your hyperbolic response about "sending a random man to wash you today" makes no sense.

They are also NOT washing her. I'd be perfectly happy if a random man turned up, made my lunch and tidied it away!

Civil service. It's usually because they have PTSD or other trauma because of a man.

Agree. It is well known that predators will go to huge lengths to present as "nice gentlemen" while quietly biding their time and carefully grooming the victim and their family before acting . Its a no from me, always. Female sex only.

Yes, I've got a DBS certificate an' all. Can we please not oversell the significance of one? All it means is I have no charges or criminal convictions, which could just mean that I'm clever at my crimes and I haven't been caught yet. It's not a certification of canonisation!

Let's get real here. How often do we read reports of sexual predators being convicted for historic offences from decades before? Don't you think rather a lot of those perpetrators would have had clean DBS checks up until the first victim came forward? Sexual offences are well-known to be under-reported by their victims in the UK. Now consider how the care sector is heavily dependent on staff from overseas countries where being a rape victim is stigmatised and victims are even less likely to report the crime to the police, and the police don't have the best women's rights record.

For example, back in 2015, a Nigerian human rights lawyer apparently claimed that there had only ever been 18 successful rape convictions in Nigeria. I don't know a single Nigerian woman who would agree that there had only been 18 rapes committed in the country's history.

How much trust should we really place in clean DBS checks?