AIBU to set firmer boundaries with an overly familiar neighbour?

I find the best way to deal with someone constantly messaging is just don’t read them. Leave them on ‘unread’ till the next day or whatever then a very short answer ‘yes thanks’ or similar. When she sees you aren’t reading them she’ll realise she’s not your priority.
when you pass her house, be in a hurry and shout ‘can’t stop, In a rush!’ If she starts talking.
Or pretend to be on the phone and just wave distractedly at her.
Stop giving her so much attention and she will get the hint.

I've just read the updates, and agree she is manipulative, 'fainting' up the wall or starting to cry! I also don't like the comment she made about the married neighbour, and slagging an old man off, not to mention the autism comment!! She sounds like trouble, and I would definitely try to be a bit blunter with her without upsetting her if possible (as you still have to live on the same street). Can't stand clingy people like this OP, I'd be feeling overwhelmed as well. I like the suggestion that you provide the cafe staff's social media profiles - just because you're a healthcare professional, it doesn't mean you're there to babysit for complete randoms, or invite them into your home. I bet if you did ask her round for takeaway, you'd be footing the bill as well!

I’d go with what @Awkwardisfunny and @AnonyMumAuDHD said. Be firm and try not to worry about hurting her feelings given how much she’s bothered yours!

My advice is to leave her messages unread. Just disengage. No need for a confrontation or drama. Every time you see her - you're late for an appointment.

Of course being assertive but truthful is best. But if she is mentally unwell it might not work or end up badly.

What about making it ankward for her? When she slagged off that old man say something like “ he is such a lovely old man, I cannot believe you’d say that!” And the same about autism “that’s such an awful comment!”. It’s all true anyway, you’d just stop being polite about it.

Sometimes making other people decide by themselves it’s them who have become disinterested in pursuing a relationship with you works best with unhinged individuals.

Personally I wouldnt advise getting into any back and forth but just to " grey rock"
Someone like this women will thrive on getting into arguments and creating drama

She’s a Julia from Motherland. Be a Marian and keep upholding your boundaries.

Firstly I’d never go to that cafe again - the staff are probably done with her overfamiliar behaviour too, but that doesn’t make it ok to push her onto you by giving out your details.

Remove her from SM, block her and find a pair of visible headphones to put on whenever you have to walk past her.

She’s struggling for friends because her behaviour is poor, it’s not your job to correct that. Sadly she probably lacks the ability to reflect and adjust so won’t change.

I think you need to be honest and control your own narrative, but not rude.

I would briefly explain to your friends in the street, the young lady in question and the ladies in the shop that you work a 45 hour week, have children and a busy life. When you get back home or go for a walk you need some peace and quiet on your own and with your children. You do not wish to be unfriendly but you simply need some space and do not have the time or energy to babysit, talk through problems, go for meals or receive constant messages. Unfortunately, you don't have time to give her the help or support that she needs. Say you are just too busy to be messaging all of the time, you feel a bit overwhelmed, then block her.

In this way, you are controlling your narrative and pre-emptying any nastiness, gossip and speculation that will come of you, 'Being rude, walking on the other side of the street, constantly rushing off and not replying to messages.'

Wave and say hello as you walk past, be determined. Stop to chat once in a while, if you feel like it.

What you are going through is too much, she is making you feel guilty, overwhelmed and harassed in your own home, when all you want is to unwind and have a bit of peace and quiet.

That’s an interesting angle - I always see Julia as poorly organised and a bit of a piss taker with childcare favours. But I don’t see her as bitchy about other people, manipulative, lying to get attention, or intrusive. She doesn’t sound much like this needy neighbour to me.

"I'm sorry but I feel I must let you know that we really don't have a lot in common and now my children are older I really value my downtime. I find your constant messaging and questioning quite invasive and to be blunt would prefer it if you just left me alone. I appreciate you might feel I am being rude but I have tried to be subtle and you are not taking the hint"

Result: neighbor feels defensive and attacked, reacts with hostility making things even more unpleasant and uncomfortable for OP.

Exactly no big confrontation, just avoid constantly, dont engage. She eventually has to get it.

Who cares, op doesn't want to be her friend and is unhappy with the current situation.

The neighbour is one of those thicked skinned people who isn't picking up on the subtle hints or is possibly (most likely) a bit of a bully who has already registered op's discomfort and desire not to offend and is happy to persist in exploiting it for her own benefit. Why be a people pleaser at your own expense.

The OP doesn’t want a relationship with this nut. Not a friendly one and not a hostile one. She wants less drama. Offending the woman will create more.

She needs a path that makes the woman almost forget she’s there. This woman is fairly unhinged and isn’t going to take anything about herself on board.

Maybe she should become super religious. Or ask to borrow money every time she sees her.

Stop liking the messages, ignore them completely. When the staff in the cafe told you what they had said, what was your response? That was the time to tell them that they shouldn't have done it and the reasons why. They are probably still reinforcing the message with her, if they thought you didn't object. I would also say to her that the cafe staff told you what they had said, and even though they meant well, you have a lot of things on at the moment etc. I feel a bit sorry for her because if she's trying to make friends and has been told by people who would know, that you are the person to befriend (obvs assume that you wouldn't mind), she's effectively getting knocked back each time and won't understand why. There's a difference between being cold and unfriendly (like the others you have described) and maintaining your peace and space.

At the point she was slagging off your neighbour I would have said "I really don't like gossip" and would have been distant after that.

Stop 'liking' her messages, that is still engaging with her.

It sounds suffocating, stop replying to her messages straight away and just say can’t stop when you walk past and keep walking. For goodness sake don’t sit in your house with no lights on, it’s your home not a prison. And I’d be telling the cafe not to give your details out to people, they’ve put you in a real awkward position.

@Mirandaforever

Blimey - having read all your updates, I think you’ve been a saint to put up with it all & have clearly tried to be kind & subtle but she sounds genuinely bat shit crazy & now I think you should just be blunt! Tell her to back off & then block her - electronically & in person. She sounds unhinged & utterly exhausting!

Heaven forbid anyone gives the impression of having their shit together and being a nice person at the same time - there’s always someone who wants to latch on and take what they can. I agree, the cafe people were totally out of order. I’ve had similar with a neighbour. I feel sorry for her but we haven’t anything in common. When she started stopping me on the road, messaging me etc I was full into menopause , my own family both children and older members, working full time, needing time alone etc but my DH and kids say I give an impression of being calm and helpful so people latch on to me. What I did was to match her complaints with my own e.g. “ I could do with someone to babysit” I would say something like “I know what you mean I hardly ever go out myself if you find someone good let me know ” totally not taking the hint. Or when she started slagging off a neighbour I would say “ I don’t notice I’ve got so much on with work, kids, family I haven’t got time to get involved with neighbour drama, I’m knackered, stressed, worn out don’t notice other people” … basically anything to assuage the impression that I’m someone who has any energy to do anything for anyone else. She eventually moved on to someone else then got a boyfriend so doesn’t bother me anymore.

‘Hey, this has been weighing on me a while but I think it’s important to be honest. I have a lot going on in my life and I don’t have the space for the friendship you need. I understand the cafe staff were trying to help (and it’s not personal) but I do not have the space to provide that kind of friendship and I think finding some friends your own age in a similar stage of life will do you the world of good. I really don’t want to fall out, happy to wave over the fence and have the odd chat but I can’t reply to any more Instagram messages and I do need my space with my family and time to myself to decompress. I hope you understand’

'I am just to enter a very busy time professionally, so if I don't reply you will know why. Have a great run up to Christmas, all the best'

Then do not reply or like a single message on any platform. Start driving for a while until the weather has completely changed and they won't be in the garden anymore. A quick wave. If you run into her, tell you can't stop and hope she is keeping well. On repeat for six months and by then she will have latched on to someone else. Do not give in. Even if there are several ambulances outside her house do not approach her for anything.

You have to nip this in the bud. Cold turkey.

So how do you manage your boundaries with people in a ‘professional’ setting?

I don’t think you've said yet.

Did you have any learning around ‘professional boundaries’ when you were doing your Masters? They really should have covered this on a mental health Masters AND on a level 4 working within neurodivergence diploma.

Can you modify some of those skills? Or can we help you modify those ‘professional skills’ to a ‘non professional/neighbour’ setting?

edit - staying upstairs and closing your curtains because the kid is in your garden - we should be able to brainstorm some coping ideas for you and you could mix them up with your professional qualifications.

I have come back to say that this woman is going to need you to be very direct.

You should also tell her that she is not your client or your friend and you need to protect your privacy and peace. If she needs a psychologist then she should speak to her GP for a referral. If she needs to make friends, she needs to go to a mother & baby group and find some her own age.
I would also make it very clear that you have documented the comment about the married neighbour and will not tolerate being slandered. You have kept screenshots of her messages (please do this asap) and can show a pattern of unwelcome contact, unreasonable expectations and have more than enough to have her charged with harrassment.