AIBU to set firmer boundaries with an overly familiar neighbour?

I give it a couple of weeks and she'll try and drop her kids on your doorstep for some kind of "emergency". You really need to put a stop to this.

I think quite honestly OP, that you're going to have to be harsh with her to make her back off, as she obviously doesn't pick up on your signals. I think the above idea is pretty good.

Is there no way that you can avoid going past her house? Maybe a diagram showing the situation would be useful.

I agree with this poster, but you seem very sensitive, so you might want to add a sort of excuse / lie - for instance, that you have recently taken on an additional responsibility or commitment (re work / a course) or have additional issues to deal with (a concern that you don't want to disclose that you're supporting a friend or relative with) so that it's slightly less blunt and also gives a concrete reason for your lack of availability.

Just read this, and it's awful.
I understand your fear- she sounds like a manipulative/cluster B type who can flip on someone and make their life hell when they don't give them what they want.
Would suggest you grey rock.
Shame on the café staff... They don't want to deal with her so they send her your way- I get the vibe that both them an her envy your inner peace and confidence. She may have an unstable sense of self.
Agree with previous posters about not getting into back-and-forths with her. Yes it's wrong of her to insult the elderly neighbour etc., but she will enjoy any conflict and use it as a reason to keep some sort of relationship with you.
I'm not sure what the best strategy is... Say no constantly? Tell her the café staff are raving about how wonderful she is and how they can't wait to get to know her better? Allude to mysterious dramatic personal situation you've just invented that means you literally have no time to speak to her?
The big headphones plus sunglasses sounds like a good idea.
Wishing you all the best!

Just in case things escalate would it be an idea to have everything documented with Work or even the police, especially with your profession being what it is. The last thing you want is her spreading lies or badmouthing you professionally if she won't take no for an answer.

Also see if a neighbour would let you use their garden as a cut through so you can avoid walking past her house 😜

Tell the cafe staff that you don't want them to give out contact details I anyone. You have all the friends you need

Don't reply to her straight away. Leave it a day or two

If she suggests meeting say "honestly , I really enjoy my alone time, as I have lots of friends so when I'm not with them I just like to stay at home and read a book ". Don't say watch TV as she will come and join you

Repeat ... "Sorry I'm enjoying my alone time"

Repeat

She is an energy vampire who is feeding off you. She sees your politeness as a weakness. Be cold and firm towards her. Grey rocking and set strong boundaries with her.

This character is very emotionally and socially illiterate but at the same time highly manipulative.

So normal rules don’t apply. So no need to be polite. Don’t use JADE (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining) as every word / piece of info you utter she will weaponise and use as a bullet to shoot you with.

Actions not words.

Headphones, walking forward, no eye contact. Brief wave. Ignore her manipulative faints.

Ignore all her messages. Don’t open or read them. If she comes to your door. Don’t open it.

She is a pest. Most people will have swerved her in life - but you are tolerating too much and she is latching on. She won’t be upset if you swerve her (if she is it’s performance and manipulative) because she will have experienced this many more times before and will many more times in the future.

Don’t worry about her slagging you to neighbours - they either have already swerved her or have the measure of her.

Grey rock. Info diet. No emotional energy. Indifference and distance. She will probably invent a crisis or drama to elicit your reaction - don’t give it. Tell her you can’t help - call an ambulance, her GP, her MIL etc.

Rinse and repeat one or two phrases every time she pushes:

No that doesn’t work for me.
As I said no that doesnt work for me.
Then say nothing further.

Don’t respond to any of her messages even a thumbs up. Don’t give her the reaction and attention she’s demanding.

Headphones and sunglasses and swift move on way to work - change your times / routine. Don’t ever stop.

’Cant stop I’m busy’
’As I said I can’t stop I’m busy’

You are feeling over responsible for her and a need to be polite to someone who is a boundary pusher, CF, with manipulative gossip.

You need to feel she is dangerous so that you go on to protect yourself physically and emotionally.

You have a great life OP and are doing a wonderful job with your two DCs. It’s tough but you’ve worked hard to strike a fulfilling and productive balance. Don’t let this needy, manipulative, gossipy, drama lama derail that. See her for what she is and be assertive and blunt with your body and actions. Words are just feeding the beast. Also teach your DCs to not speak to her.

Get a ring doorbell.

It's the "auntie" bit that gets me. Not content with being overly familiar herself, she wants her children to do the same.

I wouldn’t block on instagram I would just use it less.

How cheeky of the cafe staff. I wonder if they have picked up that you're kind.

As she's your neighbour, I'd tread a little carefully. I've had all kinds.

Be kind but firm. I definitely wouldn't say 'I dont need any more friends'.

But its okay to say you're too busy for anything social.

I’d have to be more assertive and kind of brutal with her to be honest. I can’t believe some people have such low emotional intelligence they don’t recognise when they’re being this overbearing. The fact she looked out for your lights to come on then messaged to ask how your trip had been is completely unhinged. She’s lonely, sure but it’s her responsibility to leave the house and meet people.

I’d be inclined to block on Instagram entirely. Sure it will cause friction but honestly, I’d prefer this to her essentially stalking you. If/when she came out of the house I’d just be clear that the interactions got too much for you and you’re a very busy woman then walk away. If she continues to harass you as you walk past, I’d put earphones in with music on loud and just don’t look at her.

😱

Over the years, I’ve had people latch on, a neighbour, a parent from school, a colleague. I’ve just moved areas and my sil, with whom I’ve had nothing to do because she was hours away, is now very nearby, as is a friend’s sister. The latter shares an interest. I’m very wary of having someone again latch on. I value my peace, I don’t want anybody trying to be close like the neighbour in the OP! We’ve been told about various social events and been invited to join in and I’m really reluctant to commit.

I’m anti-social and would not cope with the neighbour’s level of contact. Having to hide upstairs and close the curtains is awful!

Sorry, but I do wonder how people on Mum‘s not get into these scrapes. Stop replying to her, reply maybe once a week, if she asks why you’re not replying say that you’re trying to cut down and you’re scrolling up an Instagram, so I’ve deleted the app from your phone temporarily!

Don’t apologise ever for not messaging, never explain never apologise. Just push any questions off. Honestly, OP, the power is in your hands.

You could try pretending to be on your phone every time you walk past. If she tries to stop you just point at the phone and keep waking.

She sounds like my worst nightmare, she's obviously a bit unhinged! I also love peace, quiet & my own company at times

I think she sounds like she could be dangerous. I would try to extricate myself without giving her any ammunition or any hope that you may have more time in the future.

She doesn't care about you, only about how useful you can be to her.

Every time you pass her home you can just say "can't stop" and keep walking. Don't get drawn in. As a pp said, offer an ambulance if she tries any fake fainting.

You can ignore her messages and ignore her followup messages. It might not feel natural but you can do it. Or have a couple of stock responses "that sounds difficult I'm sure you'll think of something" etc.

Good luck

I'd have a talk with the cafe manager about your info being given to another customer by their staff. That's a big overstep.

When you walk by her place, have your headphones on and walk like you're in NYC. That means fast. Don't acknowledge her. Just book.

I'd tell her your sex life is none of her business and her speculation was rude. Lightheaded? Call the emergency number. Oh, not that lightheaded? Call your husband or go eat something.

Lock up your property. Tell her her child is not allowed in your back. She's going to leave the kid there if you don't the lock up because she's looking for free childcare and therapy.

If she doesn't stop, be frank. You like your privacy and her overwhelming clingon daily contact has become way too much. You have a job and kids and you're busy with that. You won't be watching her kids or spending time with her.

Expecting an instant response from a busy working person with kids is really entitled.

I agree with not stopping to speak but some suggestions on here are too long winded. I’d just say “no, sorry “ as I rushed passed looking at my watch (not at phone). Shrugs to suggestions with “no thank you” and serious face or “Sorry I really don’t have the time”. I wouldn’t get involved with the nastiness about the old man or tackle her about starting false rumours.
Block her. Shrug and say you’ve changed your phone. She maybe is ND so won’t’read’ subtlety, and be prepared for her to get quite nasty towards you, she’ll read it as rejection and react.

I’m anxious and hopping mad after reading this thread through.
I ‘d block her on Instagram or whatever it is you are engaging with, and get off hers too so you don’t fall into liking any more of her posts!

It’d be handy if her boy came into your garden without permission and caused a problem, such as uprooting your prize dahlias.
You need a solid pretext, ideally, as a launchpad for The Final Engagement, in which you put her straight and make it clear she is not going to impose on you any more. But you really have to do this, and asap.
I think you should consider those Ring camera things, as this woman is probably going to react without the acceptance and resignation one expects from an adult.
( I would also make a point of bringing the elderly gent a handsome fruitcake, perhaps, for his afternoon tea. Poor old sausage, being traduced by that really quite nasty wagon next door.)

That café has pretty much ruined the place for you. Outrageous behaviour there; quite incredibly out of order! I couldn't patronise the café after that betrayal.

Good luck OP. I’m very sorry you find yourself in such straits; it’s really unacceptable behaviour. (She sounds like a woman who makes her OH’s life a living Hell, in her performative inadequacy)
It seems we are all, these days, mere actors in other people’s autobiographical plays.

Gosh, that sounds awful. I think the cafe people have made a very big jump here and thought you would take her under your wing. How dare they! Id want peace. I like my life just the way it is. I like my comings and goings to be on my terms. Id block her number and on social media and when she would stop me to speak, I'd say we are not friends and the messages are too much. She doesn't seem to be getting the indirect hint does she. I feel for you but the questions about your sex life would be the final straw and I'd say do not speak to me.

@Mirandaforever I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds as if it's 57 varieties of debilitating. Your neighbour is a consummate pest, but if it's possible, I think I'd be even angrier with the café staff than her. Maybe someone should ask them how they'd like to clock off from work then after cooking and cleaning up at home, start again with random needy people who've been told that "Pam at the café makes a lovely cheese toastie and she's such a good listener. Here's her SM details...I'm sure she won't mind!" That's effectively what's being demanded of you, with the add-on of malicious gossip, both to and about you. You've had some good advice about how to deal with Ms Five-Doors-Down, but I'd also really consider making a complaint to the café, because their behaviour is disgusting. Are they independently owned, a franchise or part of a chain? Whichever it is affects how you'd go about making a complaint.

Honestly, if she does the fainting thing again I'd call her bluff and say "I'm calling an ambulance. This is happening too often and you are obviously unwell." If she let's you go through with it, then maybe she really is unwell and will get some help. If she stops you and miraculously recovers, she looks silly and it is known that she is trying to manipulate you. Sorry you're going through this OP. I hope you get a good resolution to this situation!

Given that she's scared of heavy rain, next time rush off muttering that you need to work harder on your rain dance

Better to be thought the village nutter and live in peace

Who are these maniacs in the cafe who gave out your details. Id go mad if anyone did that. You need to put a hard stop to this. I had a "friend" who latched heself onto me like this. She'd just turn up day and night and once I got home to find her in my house!!! She'd climbed in through a window.